Blog

Wave of Light for Amy

IMG_6016

Advertisements

Work in progress

I’m back from our trip and I’m relaxed and relatively happy. Things with Dick are good, the conversations we’ve had since my last post have been positive. We’re both going to try to salvage this marriage if we can. I’ve asked him what he needs and what he wants moving forward so we don’t get in the mess again. He said there’s a few things he needs, he needs me to leave him alone and understand if he has a bad day as me asking him if ok winds him up, he needs time to himself when he gets in to unwind after work. He hates coming in to a chaotic house and being everyone’s taxi service. He would like to spend more time together doing things for fun instead of spending time separate doing our own thing. Once we actually spend time together, like we have done on holiday, it all works. I agreed with most of it, he has a high stress job and doesn’t cope well, but so do I damn it! I get he needs space but I literally come in the house and hit the ground running, getting everything ready, dinner on, washer on, gym to name just a few things. I’d love the liberty of just thinking I can sit down and do fuck all. So I said fine I can understand how he needs that but it has to be reciprocated, I too have a demanding job. We need to work out a plan so we can both get the time we need to chill, get the chores done and still have time to spend with each other. We’re currently working on that and so far, so good.
He asked me what I needed and wanted. I told him I wanted honesty about how he was feeling as a bare fucking minimum! He said he would do that. I told him that I’m having issues with my hormones and he needs to understand that sometimes when I’m losing my shit, I’m not even aware of it until later so he’s best to come up with a plan of how to deal with that. Along with that I seem to have the sex drive of a teenager and unless he’s going to be at my beck and call for sex 24/7 we’d better go shopping for some toys. It’s all very well being married forever but I need more than what we have/do currently. I didn’t tell him I’d seek it elsewhere as I’m sure he’d get suspicious and I’m fairly sure he doesn’t think I’d do such a thing! He said he was looking forward to losing some weight and being in a better position for throwing me round the bedroom. We discussed somethings we’d like to try (like I haven’t done all of this already with Harvey, but what the eyes don’t know the heart can’t grieve about!) and he said he’s willing to explore anything that doesn’t hurt me (I’m going to work on that!) we’re going to book a spa break and go shopping and on the way there to see what catches our eye. This week has gone quickly since we returned, busy with work and various things going on. It’s been a good week and although there’s been no sex, there has been affection & time spent together. It’s all positive, although I’m reluctant to jump for joy just yet because we have been here time after time.
Harvey is fine, we’ve had emails & phone conversations and I saw him yesterday for the first time since I got back. Yes it’s going to be hard, we met at lunch by accident (yeah right) and we kissed in the car. It was good to see him but so much for no contact!!
We had a night out planned for someone’s leaving do and I went to say my goodbyes, I met Harvey at the station and we walked together, but not before he asked me how brave I was feeling, so I asked him how brave he was feeling and he grabbed me in a hug and kissed me, in full view of the concourse without a care in the world. It felt really good but we didn’t get carried away. He told me I looked stunning and very hot! We walked into the pub together and no one batted an eyelid! We behaved impeccably all night although he was hammered. I did receive a few random texts asking for impossible things. Meet me outside for a kiss in 2 mins, I’m upstairs waiting for you, etc.
Dick picked me up and I waved to Harvey as I got in the car. I got home, got changed and before I got downstairs Dick was asleep on the sofa. I woke him and he went to bed. I finished putting on my face cream and came downstairs to chill. I called Harvey to check he’d got his train but he’d decided on an über. We’re away next week for 2 nights and I’m already making plans in my head to spend time with him. I need to keep my distance but I can’t, I’ll try and minimise my engagement with him but the plan is to now take the emotion out of it, see him as purely a recreational activity, I told him I planned to use him only for sex, he suggested that maybe I should pay him, it lead me to suggest he starts a blog of his own, the secret life of the ginger gigalo 😂
I’m not proud of myself and I know that’s not exactly giving my marriage the best chance either.
I’m still very much a work in progress!

Still no clarity

Shortly after I posted yesterday’s It starts with goodbye I went into the bedroom to get ready for dinner.

Dick & I had probably the most productive chat of our marriage last night. It started with me getting dressed for dinner and him telling me that I looked beautiful. I laughed at him and told him not to have anything else to drink! He told me it wasn’t drink, he really means it. I look amazing with a tan and it emphasises my beauty. I shot him a look and shushed him, he told me not to shush him. He’s been a complete fucking idiot, he admitted he’s depressed and has been struggling and that’s the reason he hit out about not finding me attractive and not loving me anymore. He thought that by pushing me away It’d make it easier to leave him. I told him that things must’ve got so bad that he couldn’t be honest with me and tell me that he was struggling. He said he was embarrassed and that he didn’t want me to stay out of pity. He lost his sex drive as he feels so unattractive and fat. I was honest and said that what he had said to me was so hurtful and that not having the best self confidence when it comes to my looks and body image, was the worst thing he’s ever done. He told me he wouldn’t blame me if I found someone else, there’s loads of men out there that would appreciate everything I have to offer. I told him not to be stupid, I have no interest in anyone else. I’m so fat now I’d hate anyone to see me naked. (If only he knew!!). He came over and hugged me and I kissed him, I stroked him through his trousers and told him that I still wanted him. It was a massive risk actually because I think if he’d have pushed me away at that point that would’ve been it, marriage over. He kissed me and put his hands on my dress and lowered the straps to remove it. I stood there in my heels and pants (I was already bra less as the dress has a built in bra) he looked at me and told me to climb on the bed. I told him no, I sat on the sofa and released him from his trousers and gave him a blow job where he stood. Decided fuck it it’s now or never, fingered myself through my knickers while he watched. His eyes nearly popped out of his head, I asked him what did he think I’d been doing all this time to get myself off? Surely he’s had to have a wank too to relieve the pressure? He said how often do you masturbate, I told him at least once a day, usually once he’s left for work. He pushed me on the bed and buried his head between my legs, licking and fingering me. I got his hands and bought them to my chest and told him to pinch my nipples. I gripped his hair as I came on his tongue. I stroked him as I sucked and told him he could either come in my mouth or he could fuck me the choice was his.
He decided to fuck me so with my legs over his shoulders off he went like a man demented until he came.
And it was good but I want that heart stopping, can’t breathe amazing orgasms that I get from Harvey. Yes I came but it’s over before we begin, there’s no pre-amble, no lengthening of build up it’s just yay jackhammer away once he’s got me off with his fingers until he comes and collapses in a heap. Hardly the stuff of the adventures I have with Harvey.

I keep turning my thoughts to Harvey, I know it’s futile and future less but we have such a good chemistry and no one has ever been so compatible with me sexually. I miss him massively. I don’t think he will ever know or understand the depth of feeling I have for him. Yes it’s flattering I’m sure to know he’s the best I’ve ever had and the things we’ve done he’s only been able to dream of, but he doesn’t miss ME, he misses the sexual animal that I am when I’m with him. I tested that theory today, I sent him a photo of my white bits, my complete naked body minus my head of course. I wanted to gauge how he’d react and he didn’t disappoint.
A: white bits for you xx
H: Wow looking good babe, that’s made me as twitchy as hell xxxxx mmmmmmm I’d love to scrub your back then Soap your boobs whilst kissing your neck and seeking your sex …..
A: Thought you might appreciate it. Give you some hope that not all is lost!
I’d like that too xxx
H: I could get lost in that for hours xxxxx
A: Right now I’d love nothing more xxxx

And it’s true I would love him to be here now, fingering, kissing, licking, squeezing and teasing me. Am I being unfair though? After all Harvey was just going to be a quick fuck, something simple and animalistic that we could just get it out of our system, dirtbag, filthy sex with a friend, never to be forgotten or repeated. I can’t pin point when things changed, when it stopped being just about the sex for me and that’s why I’m struggling. I love Harvey, I’m in love with him but it’s not real, it’s all my frustration at the lack of sex in my marriage and the fact I don’t feel loved by Dick. I think I’ve stupidly manifested all that unspent emotion on Harvey. He says he’s loves me but I don’t think he does, I think his marriage is as bad as mine and like me, he needed a distraction, a focus. We’re just really badly timed. It’s interesting that I’ve told Harvey that I love him 3 times, yet since his initial email declaration, he’s not repeated it.
He’s gone with the flow of email and can’t express how he feels either because he doesn’t know how or he doesn’t feel it. And that speaks volumes to me.

Why can’t Dick fuck me like Harvey? Why can’t I forget about what I’ve had with Harvey & let him go? Why won’t Harvey tell me how he feels honestly??

Aaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!

It starts with goodbye

Once again I’m minding my own business and out of nowhere comes a song I’ve never heard that resonates so very much.

I heard it in the bar in the hotel this afternoon and I’ve not been able to get it out of my head.

I’ve attached the lyric video if you’ve not heard this before,

It’s beautiful – I only wish I knew if it meant Dick or Harvey.

The universe speaks through my masseuse

Today has been a pretty weird one to be honest. Dick booked a couples massage at the hotel we’re staying in. I wasn’t completely overjoyed at the thought as I hate people touching me but I thought I must try. He’s trying so hard to make it right but I just can’t feel it. My heart is heavy with it all.
I’ve heard from Harvey as I messaged him out of sheer frustration.

A: Question. Are you giving me space because you feel I need it, space because you need it, are you just busy and can’t reply or are you sulking?
A reply of 1, 2, 3 or 4 or all of the above would be helpful.
Xxxxx
H: Because I feel you need it, I was waiting for you to email so I could reply without guilt of not giving you space.
I don’t need space
Not too busy
I’m definitely not sulking
How’s your day progressing? Are you chilled and reading plenty?
Xxxxx
How’s you?
A: Thank you. Too much time to think isn’t great for me.
I’m painting my nails, reading lots (3 books already!) and I’m off for a full body massage in an hour. You know I’m a big fan of being touched so as you can imagine I’m looking forward to it 😔
It’ll be fine I’m sure.
How’s you, what’s happening there? Xxxx
H: Usual Friday bacon butties the loads of email and a few 1 to 1’s.
In laws 80th birthday tonight …. deep joy
Enjoy the massage, you could always ask for a happy ending xxxxx
A: Try and enjoy tonight you could have a beer and let your hair down!
I’ll give myself a happy ending when I return! I’m going to think about the time I tied you up and gave you a very happy ending 😂
At least you could still sit down afterwards xxxx
H: Hard thinking about it xxxx
A: I’m glad I still have an effect without being there 😜 xxx
Miss you xxxx
H: Miss you too xxxx

With that sent we went to the spa. Turns out there was a miscommunication because although we were both getting massages they’re not in the same room, in fact the other room is on a whole different area of the spa so Dick went off with his masseur and I stayed with mine.
I got comfy on my front and she started at my feet and worked up. The spa music relaxed me while she worked and out of nowhere I started sobbing. Like a five year old. I apologised and told her to carry on and that I had no idea where that had come from. She said it’s because you’re carrying a lot of pain in your heart, you’re grieving and you need to let it go. I was a little shocked but said ok, but I’m here for a massage not a clairvoyant session and she told me that sometimes you get both. She told me that I’m carrying a lot of negative energy & emotion around me and it’s like a dark cloud. She told me to relax and she would talk to me about what was going on. She didn’t want me to reply or nod my head just to relax. I thought she was a fucking crackpot if I’m honest and I thought I can’t believe Dick’s booked this!!
Well she shocked the life out of me! She told me that the death of our daughter changed me forever and only the death of my mother made me grieve properly for her. I gasped with shock and she said “I know everything”. I thought Christ I hope you don’t and she said “yes, even that!”. She told me to close my eyes while she massaged and that she would clear my aura of all the negativity. She asked me if I was curious about her gift and if I wanted to know what she knew so of course I said yes, tell me.
She told me my husband loves me, that I am everything to him but he doesn’t know how to show it and it’s why I’m in the situation I’m in.
She told me that the man I love (she was quick to point out this man is not my husband, but my friend) loves me too, in his own way which is with his heart but not his head. We will always have a connection but he’s not my destiny! He has his own demons and I’ve no idea who he is really. You know him, but don’t really know him is what she said- weird!
She told me that my best friend, the one I work with closely is struggling and that I’m a good friend to her but I need to pay more attention as she’s not doing as great as she’s letting on. I can only surmise that this is Freya so I’ve dropped her a text to see how’s she’s doing. I hope she’s ok but I also know she’s a good friend and wouldn’t tell me while I’m away for fear of me worrying about her!!
She said my kids are fine, well adjusted adults and I’m to let go of the apron strings. They will always need their mum I don’t need to remind them.
She said the last thing I’m going to tell you is that you will survive this dark period. Relax, breathe and let go of everything and see what happens. You need a leap of faith. I took a deep breath and actually felt lighter. She said she was done talking and that she wouldn’t mention this conversation again.
Life is stranger than fiction. I’ve heard that saying many times and believe it to be true. Once the massage finished I thanked her and she hugged me, I didn’t even flinch, it seemed very genuine, and she said work on your marriage and I starting laughing!! I’m really hoping that’s not the message the universe is trying to tell me after all that!!
Once I’d gone back to the room to chill with Dick (I’ve told him nothing) we sat and chatted. He said that he’d thought about everything going on whilst he had peace. He wants this to work so badly as he knows it’s the worst we’ve ever been. I told him we would see how it goes and that I would try. I didn’t plan to try hard though because the first chance I got I emailed Harvey!
A: Massage was ok but very weird, she said I was carrying a lot pain in my heart so I started laughing, she told me I was grieving and I needed to let it all go. I told her I wanted a massage not a clairvoyant session and she said sometimes you get both. Other stuff was said which has unnerved me a little, especially stuff about you, Dick, Amy & even Freya!!! Weird as fuck I’m not going to lie. I’m now sat in the sun cooking all these essential oils into my skin, I’ll probably fry to be fair.
Crispy fried Ava 😂
Hope you have a great time tonight despite your reservations and a good weekend. Thanks for staying in touch I really appreciate it xxxx
I’ve been sat on this sunbed typing this whilst Dick had a nap and I’ve felt peaceful. It’s the first time in ages I can breathe and think straight. I don’t think it’s a coincidence either.

Reflections in the sun

I’ve re-read this blog from start to finish and do you know what I’ve learnt??
I’m a fucking idiot, I have the lowest self esteem of any woman on this earth and I don’t deserve to give these lame arse men another minute of my mind space.
How fucking miserable is this blog?? It’s either a shag fest of filth riddled adventures with a married man that has little or no interest in me unless he’s fucking me, or me bitching about how awful my marriage is. It’s not the stuff of mills and boons is it? Maybe I just need to work on myself and buy some decent sex toys! Maybe I also need to book myself in to see my GP and get some anti depressants, I might be great at listening and recognising the signs in people I speak to about mental illness but I’m shit at realising I need help myself. My hormones are all over the place and I’m currently under investigation for that. I had several scans a few weeks ago, and blood tests. My results are now all back and when I return from my holiday I have an appointment to go see the consultant. The radiographer said there was nothing on the scans that would suggest there’s anything of concern, my horrific periods & blood loss must just be down to my hormones. The joys of getting old and being pre menopausal I guess. Maybe if I get that sorted everything else will settle down and my mind will settle also. Sleep would be good too!! Get this holiday out of the way then work on myself. I’ve totally got this I feel now. I went in earlier and signed out of Harvey’s email. There’s nothing in there I need to worry about, no racy photos or salacious emails, it’s up to him to clear them. We have had communication and he’s respecting my space in the best way he knows I think. He’s pretty hard to read. Here’s the conversation since I last saw him.

H: Morning babe how’s you? What time do you fly and where from? I couldn’t spell chaise so I went with settee.. but you are right I would put that as the sexiest image I have ever seen, you in exquisite underwear Basque suspenders stockings heels waiting to be fucked senseless xxxxxx
A: Flying at 3.35 so leaving after breakfast!
Thank you that’s quite the compliment 😘
Happy times, never to be forgotten!
Have a good day xxxxxx
H: Enjoy the flight will I make it into the virtual mile high club?
A: Unlikely but I guarantee I’ll be thinking of you when I get chance to relieve the travel stress 😘
Some things will never change xxxx
H: Safe flying babe xxxx
A: Thank you!
Hope your mouth is ok today!
Take care xxxxx

I arrived and emailed him to let him know.
A: Waiting for cases. Will check in as and when I can xxx
H: Morning Babe, hope you got some rest last night and I hope the sun is shining so you can top up the tan xxx
A: 😘
You were much on my mind as I relieved the travel stress in the shower this morning.
Thank you xxxx
H: I must have checked this account 20 times since your email this morning! Desperately trying to give you space xxxx
Glad the stress is relieved happy to help any time xxxx
A: Babe what’s going on?? I’m a little concerned as usually you struggle to read, let alone reply to email. Is everything ok?? I’m fine, I’m switching off my head and chilling out. You’re very much on my mind and I appreciate the space. I’ve been for a walk and I’m knackered now so I’m off to chill. I’m here in email if you need me if something is bothering you or you want to vent. Miss you (but I really wish I didn’t)
Xxx
Ps our readers think this is a pause not a full stop. God bless them and their optimism for a happy ending xxx
H: Evening Babe,
Nothing going on, just missing you, office isn’t the same when your on Holiday, glad your fine and you’ve switched off, I’ll leave you in peace tonight and catch you tomorrow xxx, ask the readers if I should book a hotel for the 13th xxxxxx night babe xxxxxx
A: I’ve reread your email and realised you meant you’ve been going to reply but didn’t as you were respecting my space. Clarity now I’ve had a little nap!
The readers no doubt will have a sweepstake on how fast I’ll accept your kind offer, and I wouldn’t blame them given how often I’ve caved previously, however they aren’t aware how very broken I am right now and how it would be the last thing I need. I need to keep my distance physically because it’ll just keep going round in circles and only make matters worse. I’m still here and I still love you but can’t be with you and that’s a massive problem until I get past that and get my head right. Have a good evening and catch up tomorrow xxxxxx
H: Morning Babe, fully understand xxxx enjoy the rays and chill xxxxx
A: Thank you.
How was the curry night?
Xxxxx

Decided that he really can’t have an in depth conversation so I’ll keep it to the facts and just not bare my soul so much. I don’t know if he’s telling me what I want to hear or if he genuinely doesn’t care at all that this is really hard. I’ll never know so maybe I just need to not bother going in to that email account, it brings me no peace. Just once I’d like him to be honest and tell me how he feels, because right now I feel like he doesn’t care at all. And maybe that’s the truth and once I accept that fact the easier it will be to let him go.

Dick is a whole other blog post to come. I don’t know what to do about him either, especially as I’ve realised that loving someone and being in love with someone is a whole other story. Post to follow!

Goodbye from Harvey

Today has been hard, we’ve not been able to look at each other. It’s harder than I thought it would be. I thought I could paint on a happy smile and it would be fine, but I couldn’t. I saw him walk in and held my breath, I could feel myself getting upset so I walked the other way until I got a grip of myself. Pathetic!!

He messaged me a practically straight away on the work communicator.

H: Morning, how was the weekend? Did you get some R&R?

A: Morning. Hope you had a good one. I’m still not packed

H: lol, hope your not flying with Monarch

A: No, luckily. How was your weekend?

H: too short, saturday messing with the car, then Sunday decorating son’s bed room (in between F1 Touring Cars and football)

A: sounds like a good weekend.

H; it was, Although I kept reflecting on Friday’s mail, I’m looking forward to best case scenario… no sulking but I am here if you need a sounding board

A: Glad to hear you’re not sulking. Thank you for the offer. For what it’s worth I’m really upset and I didn’t take that decision lightly. This time of year is always hard for me, and this year is no exception. I’ve too much going on and I can’t think or see clearly. There’s so much I want to say to you but I just can’t. Maybe next month when I’m past all this.

H: I am out of here soon for 4 fillings, deep joy

A: Enjoy

Ok, great outpouring of emotion from me followed by I’m off to the dentist. Cheers Harvey, you obviously have no idea how to respond so you just change the subject, more evidence of your great communication skills there mate!!

A little later he left for the dentist. I wanted to call him to tell him how bad his communications skill are and that he’d really pissed me off with his dismissive message but what would be the point??? I decided to let it go as it’s not worth my mental health. I carried on with my work and 15 minutes after he left he called me. I walked away from the desk and we had a conversation.

He asked me if I was ok and I was honest, I said I was struggling, I told him that I’d poured my heart out and just got a “well I’m off to the dentist and I’m worse off” and he laughed and said he didn’t know what to do for the best. He doesn’t know what to do regarding communication now about what level of contact to have. I told him that I want to protect the friendship above everything else. I’ll be devastated if we lose that too and he agreed. Friends first always. I told him I was sorry that I’d had to come to this decision and he said he understood, he said he’d do whatever I wanted and would make it easy for me. So pressure or demands, he just wants me to be ok. He said the problem was that we’d fallen for each other when neither of us expected to. I agreed we had sailed pretty close to the wind and we were lucky that we’d got away with what we had. No one found out and we never got caught misbehaving at work, we were really lucky. He said he’d leave contact to me and that he’d reply if messaged and I said that would, I want to keep what we had, the communication and the friendship. He made it so easy to say we could do this, part way but stay friends. I believe him too.

I emailed this afternoon when I had a little wobble.

A: I don’t think this will be easy by the way.
I miss you already. Pathetic need to get a grip xxxxx

H: I agree, but we will get through this one way or another xxxxxx

A: Thank you. How’s the mouth? Hopefully the dentist wasn’t too brutal xxx

H: Painful but I had plenty of memories from (the hotel we stayed in February) to keep my mind occupied it’s now numb but getting better xxxxx

A: Is that from when you went there for your wedding anniversary 😂😂
I joke, happy memories never to be forgotten!
Glad you’re feeling better xxxx

H: Funny but not true xxxxxx I had the image of you in full basque and suspenders on the settee xxxxxx

A: We will always have humour and always have memories. You pretty much rocked my whole world that night! Surprised myself along with you I think. If you ever forget what happened you can always check out that night on the blog!
Usual blog address into google, go to calendar at the bottom, back to February and it’s 8/9th Feb & that was worth the wait 😍
Your face as you saw me on that chaise fastening my shoes!
Xxxxxxxxx

I’ve spent the night packing for my holiday, I feel a little brighter knowing we’re going to be ok. I’m sure it’ll get easier as I see him. I hope so anyway!

Too good at goodbyes!

Sat at home this morning, watching the formula one whilst eating breakfast. Hamilton lost the lead and the first thing I thought after shouting at screen at his lack of aggression was I bet Harvey’s not happy. I wondered if he was sat there thinking the same. Then I literally smacked myself round the head and got a grip and watched the rest of the race. I can guarantee that I’ve not crossed his mind once actually. He has that ability to compartmentalise that I now lack.

Once the Grand Prix finished I caught up on the radio one live lounge session with Sam Smith. He did a fab set and finished with his new single “too good at goodbyes” I hadn’t heard the song before but I’m certain I was meant to hear it today. The lyrics are here;

“You must think that I’m stupid
You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this
But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

Every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

Every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No way that you’ll see me cry
(No way that you’ll see me cry)

I’m way too good at goodbyes
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No
No, no, no, no, no
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
No, no, no, no
No, no, no
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)
(No way that you’ll see me cry)
(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes”

The link to the Sam Smith video is on YouTube here

I love his voice and the song is so resonant but this is now going to be one of those songs I hear that chokes me up.

This too will pass!

Broken record part 2

We’d returned to work after our conversation and he’d gone off to a meeting with all the other managers. I cracked on with my work and kept my head down. I’d missed a call from him on my personal phone as I keep it on silent, I walked away from my desk and called him back. His meeting had finished and he’d left for the day, he wanted to tell me that he hopes my cold shoulder warms up. I told him not to hold his breath on that one and he laughed. You can’t blame a guy for trying I suppose! We chatted about what we had planned etc and it wasn’t uncomfortable, I told him I hoped he had a good weekend and I’d see him Monday if he was in. I told him nothing will change, he will still get the same help he gets now but from a distance, as being near him is too difficult. He thanked me and said we’d be fine.
I logged on to my email to see he’d messaged me earlier but I hadn’t seen it.

H: If you would like me to warm that cold shoulder, I’m in CR, just wait until you see the others come back, I’m leaving about 15.15 ish
A: Only just seen this plus I think your meeting ran on. Thanks for the call, have a good weekend. I know you weren’t expecting that bombshell but right now I have to look after myself. I know you understand and I appreciate the support. Hopefully I can switch everything off I don’t want to feel and I can come back a little warmer but from a distance. I love you but I can’t cope with that right now, I don’t think I ever will to be honest though. Best case scenario is I get past this and get to where we were before my feelings changed.
Thanks for being a decent human being and not sulking.
Xxxxx

And that’s it. I’m not expecting a reply but if I do I’ll at least know he’s read it and I’ll go in and delete his emails.
I’ve got a busy weekend as I go away on Tuesday with Dick (I know, like my life isn’t complicated enough!) so I need to get everything in order for that. Shopping, packing & making sure the kids are sorted before I leave. I will be kept very busy and hopefully that will help.

Broken record part 1

I have had the conversation with Harvey. He had picked up on my very cold shoulder after a meeting we had earlier today. He offered to buy me lunch and I told him I couldn’t be arsed and walked off like a petulant child. He asked me if I was ok and I told him that no I wasn’t. He was going out to lunch so I said I’d go with him to pick mine up and we could chat. We set off and he reached across to me but I pulled away. He said he couldn’t help but pick up on my cold shoulder and I told him that he was very perceptive. He asked me what the matter was so I told him the truth, that it was inconsequential and minor in the great scheme things but it was unfortunately the straw that broke the camels back. I told him that I was very professional and even long before we went down this road I’ve always looked out for him and gave him my best attention to detail. He agreed and said that wasn’t in any doubt, I told him that yesterday I knew he was busy and I wasn’t expecting any contact and that I got that completely, however I had contacted him for work reasons and he hadn’t replied. I told him that I’d thought maybe he was in an area with no signal and fair enough but that the final straw was finding out he’d replied to a request for bacon sandwiches but not me that I’d realised how little value I hold. He said he was sorry and that it got lost in the plethora of texts he’d had and went to show me his phone. I told him I didn’t need to see it, it’s bad enough that he doesn’t have time for me when he’s time to himself, and now it appears he doesn’t have time for me for work purposes either. He started laughing, I’m fairly sure he thought I was joking. I started laughing too after all its just so fucking unbelievable isn’t it? A simple text that can cause such utter devastation. It’s too hard, feeling the way I do and feeling so very unloved, under appreciated and invisible. I told him I was hormonal and that probably wasn’t helping either but it’s for the best. He stroked my hand and told me that it wouldn’t stop him from wanting contact with me, and he reminded me that I could have access to his genitals whenever the need arose. He said never say never. He probably thinks that this is just the cycle and that tomorrow I’ll reach out or cave but I know I won’t this time. I deserve peace of mind and I won’t get that from him. He has enough on.

I’ve known this man for over ten years and been sleeping with him for just over a year and in that time I’ve gone from losing my mind and engaging in very daring, dangerous exciting sex to falling head over fucking heels for him. And it’s completely debilitating. It’s best I end this for good right now. It will only get worse and frankly I can’t afford any more damage to my fragile heart. The broken record has played for the last time and has now been thrown out the window.