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New Rules – Dua Lipa

I heard this song at dance fit and I’ve not been able to get it out of my head. I’ve sent it to my friend Freya as she keeps repeating the cycle of ending it, never going back, cutting him out of communication to only then cave and repeat the conversation. Can you hear that pot calling the kettle black? I’m just as bad so I’m going to practise what I preach. It should be easy as Harvey is now away with his family & parents. I’ll hear very little as he’s in the middle of nowhere and even if he had connection it wouldn’t be safe to. I plan to enjoy the peace.

Heres the clip to it on YouTube if you want to listen and sing along!

New Rules – Dua Lipa

 

I will never learn!

I have very strict rules and protocol about my role as a mental health first aider.

I only ever approach someone if I think they need my help, I would never reach out to someone without assessing whether speaking to them would be appropriate. Since earlier in the week I watched Tom struggle but I didn’t  intervene. Tom is the guy from 6 years ago when my marriage broke down last time. We had a relationship but it was doomed to failure for far more reasons that I need to explore right now that’s for sure. Things didn’t end well and although now we can be civil and chit chat without too much acrimony it’s a difficult friendship.

Yesterday I had to speak to him regarding a team event in September and it’s going to be amazing fun. He tentatively accepted it but we need confirmed numbers as it’s quite expensive. I went across to ask him if he could give us a firm answer. He told me that he isn’t in a great place mentally and that although he wants to go and enjoy himself he can’t commit to it right now. I asked him if he had spoken to someone, his GP or anyone else about how he was feeling. He said he hadn’t and that there was no point as there’s nothing anyone can do or say to change anything. I told him that I’d mark him as coming and if he felt he couldn’t attend then that would be fine. I reminded him that if he needed someone to talk to that I was available. I also reminded him that we have an employee assistance programme that he could contact in confidence.

A little while later he messaged me and asked if he could have a chat so I checked we had a room available and told him that I’d meet him there. He arrived and sat opposite me on the other side of the table facing me. He alternated from wringing his hands together, rubbing his eyes and clasping them behind his head. I asked him what was on his mind and we talked at length about different things going on. His wife has an injury that’s preventing her from doing anything around the house, his son has finally been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome after many years of difficult behaviour but not before he failed his A levels sadly, he has a million things to do at home so his home life is pretty full on and chaotic. Work is ok but he’s not being fully engaged in projects and he’s only getting bits of stuff to do and he’s frustrated.

I asked him if he was sleeping and he said no, he can’t switch off and he struggles. He knows he’s overweight but he can’t get motivated to do anything about it. We discussed each topic in turn and debated various helpful techniques and coping strategies to assist. I suggested first off that he needs to see his GP. He flatly refused and said there was no point as they’d just up his meds so he might as well do that himself. I told him I thought that wasn’t a great idea as he’s not got a PhD or doctorate in medicine and to leave it with the experts. I asked him to give thought to seeing his GP and he said he would think about it. He told me that he appreciated my concern and thanked me for listening. He said he was surprised I’d asked him as he knows he really fucked things up when our relationship ended but he’s glad I don’t hate him. I told him there’s no room in my heart for hate, life is too short for that. I will always be professional and care about what happens to him. He said he noticed that I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring and how’s things at home? I couldn’t very well lie to him, because I have no reason to, plus news is slowly making its way round and he’s bound to find out eventually.

I told him I was moving on with my life and hoping to move out soon when joy returns from her holiday. He said he was sorry to hear that my marriage was over and he couldn’t understand why Dick didn’t find me attractive as he thinks I’m beautiful. I thanked him and told him that I was fine and that it wasn’t something that I really wanted to discuss. He said he misses me, the friendship and how close we were, that he’s never had anything as close as what we had ever. He thinks about me all the time and misses the sex. At this point I started laughing, not out of cruelty but at the sheer bloody cheek of him, he hears I’m single and turns on the “oh please take pity on me”. I told him we needed to leave the conversation there as dragging up ancient history isn’t going to be helpful.

He agreed at least to give thought to seeing his GP and he did say that talking to me helped. I felt that I’d done the right thing in offering my ear. I got up to leave and he grabbed me in a hug, although I was shocked I hugged him back and told him that I hope he starts to feel brighter and then he tried to kiss me. I told him to stop and he did immediately. I was shaking and told him he’d crossed a line and he apologised. He said he wanted to give me a friendly hug to thank me but got carried away in the moment. I told him that he needed to recognise how wrong that is and ask himself why he thought that was appropriate, apparently the fact I hugged him back suggested I wanted it to happen! Furious, I told him that I’d asked him out of concern only and that the reason we’d been so estranged is because of stuff like this. So angry at myself for getting pulled in.

I went for a walk to get some air really angry at myself. I know I’m not to blame in anyway at all, I tried to help but he’s too much intertwined in my story for me to be objective.

I got back as Harvey called me, he’d been to a funeral and was feeling a little reflective. He asked about my day and I told him I’d spoken to Tom about his mental health. (I didn’t mention the hug or the fact he tried to kiss me, he doesn’t need to know that. He’s Tom’s boss for a start and he is a little jealous if I’m honest. This would be quite funny if it wasn’t so fucking tragic though!).

He told me to be careful and that Tom can be very manipulative and he knows that he struggles but I’m not to let myself get sucked in. I told him I wouldn’t and that I plan to keep my distance, I’ve done what I needed to, I’ve made sure he’s safe and that he’s thinking about seeing his GP. I have done my bit!

I returned to my desk and Tom had text me:

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I had to speak to another colleague that sits on the next desk to Tom about an invoice we were paying on his credit card. He had given me the numbers only so I walked across and said visa or MasterCard? And before he had to chance to answer Tom shouted oh you take cards now do you Ava? Laughing loudly like the fucking clown that he his. I replied not personally no but it didn’t surprise me that he had to pay for it! The guys laughed and I walked back to my desk.

I got home and he’d also messaged me on Facebook:

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I refuse to get sucked back in. He needs to understand that he won’t be worming his way back into my life. I’m sad that he’s unhappy but I can’t be involved in his recovery. I’m certain that in his logical head he would never do this and he’ll be horrified that he’s fucked it up again. I just don’t want this to be another stick to beat himself with.

I didn’t really get a great deal of sleep last night as I can’t settle. I have a million thoughts fighting for space with no outlet to manage anything of it. I plan to keep myself busy as Joy is away now.

I’m currently on the train across the country today to meet my friend Rachael. I’m looking forward to hugs, cake, coffee and great conversation. I’m wearing my wedding rings today as I don’t want to alert her to how bad things are. I plan to tell her today but I want her to share her news first.

I’m going to adult the fuck out of today! Starting with this journey in the train.

My brain hurts, but not as much as my heart!

I know I have made the right decision for me. It makes a change to put myself first. My whole life I’ve put everyone else’s needs before my own. I know I cannot carry on in this house knowing that my husband doesn’t love me, it’s not fair. I know he doesn’t find me attractive and I can live with that, it explains his lack of need for sex with me. I know how ridiculous it sounds that I can be upset that my husband doesn’t love me when I’ve spent the last year fucking a man I work with. The two things are completely separate but equally interesting. Did I fall for Harvey because Dick didn’t love me? I don’t think so, but I know I definitely had sex with Harvey because Dick didn’t want me. The irony being I end up with neither, sad, miserable and very lonely.

Then on top of that I’m really worried about Joy and the effect this is having on her. I foolishly thought she was ok and coping but she’s not. She got so upset she was sobbing telling me that she doesn’t want to choose between her dad and her mum. I told her that that isn’t whats happening, she still has us both and is free to spend her time between us that best suits her needs. My house will be nearer to my work, her college and friends. It doesn’t automatically mean she will spend every night with me away from her dad, she can decide. Neither of us want her to feel like she’s having to choose between us. Dick has told her he will still pick her up and drop her off whenever she needs him. He has however thrown into the mix the fact she can start to learn to drive shortly, so it makes sense that once that happens and he buys her a car, that she drives herself with him so the car stays there rather than with her. I’ve seen straight through that bullshit and I hope she does too. She’s a clever girl and no doubt she’ll make it work in her favour when the time comes. For now I’m not making any hasty plans. She goes away very soon and I’ve told her nothing will change without involving her so all house viewings are on hold for the time being. Things are civil in the house which is a bonus.

I’ll see Harvey tomorrow for the first time since we (I) called it a day (again). I’m not looking forward to that because I have this unconscious pull toward him, and I must resist. We’ve spoken the last two days via telephone and we’ve been ok but I feel different now, I find myself not saying what’s on my mind because I don’t want him to know how terribly broken I am. He knows I’m struggling and I’ve told him I made this decision for the good of my mental health and he respects that however he thinks it’s my home situation, he doesn’t know, think or believe it’s anything at all relating to him. I’m that good an actress, he has no idea how I feel and I’m grateful for that at least, he doesn’t need to know.

My head and my heart are both telling me I need a fresh start, I need to be free for the right things to happen, for the right person to find me that’s free to love me completely but right now I can’t think straight and I hope by rambling and emptying my head into here I get some peace and some sleep. I really hope so because tomorrow I’ve got to go to work and give the oscar worthy performance of someone that’s got this, total control.

Wish me luck!

 

 

Update

Things aren’t great at home, I’m trying to keep things civil since Dick dropped the Bombshell  and once the initial upset wore off I started to make plans.
I’m moving out and Joy is coming with me, it’s not immediate but there’s a plan in place. Frank wants to stay with his dad which makes sense. I’m not upset about his choice, he’s nearly 20 and he’s a grown up. He’s close to his dad and it isn’t about choosing a side, he knows there will be a home for him at the new place. Dick has been a different person since he said what he said. He’s apologised and said he didn’t mean it but you can’t take that back. I don’t care how hurt, angry and upset you are you don’t tell someone you don’t love them anymore. The not being attracted to me doesn’t hurt one bit, this is not news. He rarely touches me so it explains that. It’s certainly not nice to hear but I know I’m not that bad. He’s been lucky to have me, that’s not me being conceited it’s a fact. He’s punched above his weight for a while. It’s only now my eyes are open that I can see that.

Hardly any one knows yet. I’ve told my close friends & work colleagues. I’ve told Harvey too. He was supportive but I think the fact I’ll be single has changed things for him. He said not, but it’s irrelevant in the great scheme of things. I’ve let him go for his own sake but mainly for mine, especially my mental health. I haven’t coped very well at all the last few weeks and he’s been very distant & distracted with his own things. We’ve spoke about it and agreed friends first but we will see. I don’t think the friendship will last long once there’s no benefit for him. I can’t keep him around when everything is up in the air and I feel the way I do. I had quite the meltdown last weekend about it all.
He’s been great but as usual I caved and we flirted, went to lunch, had sex in the car in a farmers field like you do, then returned to work like nothing happened. That was absolutely amazing but since then nothing. I got little or no communication from him. I’ll post that later though. A conversation for another day maybe!

My best friend freya told me about the film bad moms and said I should watch it. There’s a character in there that’s just like me according to her. That was months ago and I never really got round to it until today.
I’ve had such a busy few months with being away, working, kids etc that I literally haven’t had much if any, time to myself.
So I watched it this afternoon and it’s super funny. I knew immediately that Freya identified the character Carla as being like me. I should be offended really, she’s foul mouthed & quite obnoxious but says what she thinks and takes no shit. I’m actually proud that Freya sees me that way, if only she knew the truth though. She’d know that’s not me at all. There’s a bit in the film where the husband & wife go to see a councellor and I laughed so hard I started crying. I totally identify with most of the film. I’m going to rock the shit out of being a single mom I’m sure. It’s not like my kids are babies now.
So that’s where I am right now. I’m still around just got nothing to say as I can’t get my head straight but I think I’m getting there.
Be kind to one another!

Happy adjusting Ava

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I’ve given up trying to save my marriage. I have neither the patience or compulsion to try. I have however made appointments to look at houses for myself & Joy. He can stay in the family home, after all his beloved motorbike & garage are there!

I’m ok, I’ll be fine.

 

Bombshell

It’s been another spectacular week here at Ava Towers!

Dick decided to drop the truth bomb on me Friday evening that he no longer finds me attractive and doesn’t love me.

And if that wasn’t enough he decided to get quite mean about it too. Apparently if I spent as much time on my face as I did my nails I wouldn’t have any wrinkles. I told him that if he gave me something to do with my hands, I wouldn’t need to spend my time doing my nails. His response was that if I wasn’t so demanding he’d be more interested.

WTF? I’m demanding??? So I’d asked to explore our sex life and he seemed keen, but no it would appear he prefers to bounce on top of me for 4 minutes until he’s finished and that’s all he wants.

Well no, fuck you! (Or not as the case might be!) I deserve so much better.

Harvey continues to be a good friend in dark times, I’m surprised he’s still around if I’m honest. He seems to genuinely care for me and told me that I’m very much wanted, needed & desired. He’s also offered me the use of his genitalia whenever I want it. What a guy! He makes me laugh and I’m grateful for that. We will remain good friends. Dick on the other hand not so much. Right now I’d like to deep freeze his stone cold body and put it through a wood chipper that’s next to a pig farm. I’ll sort it all as soon as my heart stops breaking and I can stop thinking about it all without crying.

Biggest problem I have with it all is that it’s so uncalled for. I’m a good wife and mother (and yes the irony of my situation with Harvey withstanding) and I don’t deserve his nastiness. There’s no way he can take back what he’s said and I wish it didn’t hurt as much as it does. I’d wished he’d just ended it, or had an affair or even could justify it by saying he knows about myself and Harvey,  it he doesn’t. He’s just a horrible man that doesn’t deserve my tears.

I need to process it all probably, my heads a jumbled mess and it’s not giving me the clarity I need to sort out what I’m going to do. Luckily Joy is away so that helps that she’s not here to see it. I’m going to hibernate a bit I think until the mist settles.

19th & 20th July

Wednesday 19th

Today was the first day I’d see Harvey in 4 weeks. I wasn’t looking forward to it given how I feel about him. I cracked on with work. He arrived but went into a meeting, he told me he needed a catch up so we said we’d do that after the meeting. We discussed going to pick up lunch depending on how the meeting went. Lunch wasn’t an option though but we did manage to talk.

H: Not  sure what time we are breaking for lunch on the basis he’s just had a comfort stop!
A: Thanks for the heads up.
H: No problem, were still deep in discussion!
A: Hopefully we’ll get coffee later but no worries if not.
H: Hope so I have a small token I purchased to celebrate the 12 month anniversary, as a friend I would still like you to have it, xxx

I read that and my heart sank, it made me sad to think that he’d obviously cared enough to get something for me, then my heart raced when I realised he’s not the sentimental type and it was probably toy related!!

A: That’s incredibly kind of you. I’m intrigued.
Can you fit a rose glass butt plug in a frame in your pocket? 😂
Xxx
H: 😂😂😂 you know me too well, but you are right to be intrigued xxxxx
A: You always make me smile thank you.

His meeting finished as I was having coffee with another colleague, he & the other manager joined us and we chatted as a group. As I left to go back to my desk I checked my email.

H: It’s on your desk in a Buff Jiffy bag, open with care, wear with pride xxxx

I got to my desk to find the package as he’d said.
It was sealed so I put it on my lap under the desk and opened it. I’m glad there was no one around as I gasped with shock at the present!

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I’m sure it needs no explanation but it was a clit clip 😳 (with hearts attached, nice touch Harvey, very romantic 😂)
I’m not sure stunned or shock would cover my actual feelings but the fact he left it on my desk was hilarious. Thank god for plain packaging (and also it’s a good job I checked my email first too! I have so many packages arrive I’d have looked like a right clown trying to explain that one 😂)

Just as I had composed myself Harvey arrived back and I couldn’t look at him, I got the giggles like a naughty school girl and felt like I was going to burst out laughing. I walked to the ladies and literally pissed myself! I emailed him to thank him.

A: Thank you. I’ll keep it safe in case #neversaynever happens xxx
H: Worst case it will make Freya piss her self if she ever has to clear your bottom drawer xxxx
A: I’m trying not to piss myself laughing.
I liked the heart symbols, that was a nice touch 😘 xx
H: In my perverted mind you are trying it for size just about now…. photo please xxxx
A: Sorry babe no photos or toy. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it had had an effect 🙌🏼
Thank you xxx

I returned to my desk and carried on with my work, careful not to look at him! We needed to go through some stuff for work so he messaged me to say he was in the CR and go through.
I walked in and one blind was down. He was sat at the table with his laptop with a massive smile on his face. I laughed and sat next to him, he reached over, took my hand and stroked it. We chatted about the gift and the friendship and the whole time we had our arms crossed over our chests. We both knew we wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. He said he’d pulled the one blind down and waited to see if I pulled the other one! I told him that I was happy to have a hug so I pulled the blind and we held each other, he kissed me and I kissed him back, told him that we’d always have the friendship and that had to come first. He stroked my leg and admired my tan so I decided to show him my white bits! Told him to have a good look as it needed to last him. We kissed and said goodbye. He laughed that I’d got him hard and he joked about lifting my dress and fucking me over the cabinet. I told him that we’d been lucky not to get discovered and he agreed. Neither of us needed to lose our jobs & pensions! Not to mention our partners. I said goodbye and went home.
I felt sad but I still don’t know why. I know it’s the right decision for both of us, especially me. Feeling the way I do is a recipe for disaster, one or both of us will get hurt and the reaction we have to each other is out of control. It’s only a matter of time before someone notices. It had to end. I got home and emailed him.

A: You have no idea the sheer force of will power I had to use in that room. I think that’s the reason I crossed my arms, it would’ve been so easy to let my guard down and allow you access to everything. I hope you appreciated my white bits, you are the only man I’ve ever felt truly comfortable with to allow myself to be seen in such a way. Thank you for making me feel wanted & desired, I’m grateful that we can keep the friendship.
I already miss you & your touch. Sad but true. What we had was something pretty special and something I’ll remember with a smile on my face always xxxx
#neversaynever 😘
H: Evening Babe,
I understand the force of will power needed, hence my sweat and folded arms, it will get easier, and you will be safe in the knowledge you will always be wanted and desired.
Friendship 1st but never say never and with abstinence we might even better February one day xxxxx😘😘😘 you are a top 🍌 xxx

(The top banana comment made absolutely no sense but it made me smile)

A: 😘
Still laughing at top 🍌😂 xxx

Thursday 20th

Walked into work and this was on my desk:

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Mystery solved lol!

H: How was your top banana? Xxxxx how are you today? The weekend is nearly here xxxx
A: Really made me laugh, thank you for that. It was delicious even though it’d been violated 😂

He called me before I left work and we chatted about work and our evening plans etc. In the course of conversation about various subjects his breathing changed and I asked him if he was hard he said yes! He can’t understand how a simple conversation has that affect, he thinks it’s teenage hormones 😂
He joked he was having a mid life crisis and needed to buy a Porsche, I told him he’d already had the affair so it made sense. He said that we’d discussed this and decided it wasn’t an affair, and I told him that we would call it what we wanted but to anyone else, especially our spouses, I’m sure they’d say it was an affair. We agreed friends with the occasional benefit. I almost told him about how I felt but luckily common sense kicked in before it got very messy. In one way if he knew it might help, he might back off and not engage at the risk of me boiling his bunny! That would never happen though and I’m sure he knows that. We’ll keep the banter and the fun. No sex, no risks just a wonderful friendship hopefully.

Tomorrow will mark a year since we embarked on this adventure. How quickly that has gone!

Friendship will prevail

Monday 17th July

I had read a post from Samantha – here and she’d referenced a guy called Harvey so I was compelled to send it to him.

A: Appears someone likes our work and elaborated:

H: Harvey liked it so much he’s just stroked one out on the train to London xxxxx impressive as it only set off at 12.28 that’s how hot and hard it made me, and I haven’t even read part 2 yet xxxxx
How’s the Tan? Are you ok?
Xxxx
A: You’re welcome!
I’m ok, last few hours of sun bathing before flight home tonight.
I felt sure you were in London on Wednesday not Tuesday.
I’m back in the office Wednesday so will see you for coffee at some point to catch up if you’re around at all.
Safe journey xx
H: Afternoon Babe,
I’m back in on Wednesday as it’s team meeting, I look forward to a catch up.
Xxxxx
A: Oh yes I’ve lost or gained a day somewhere!
See you then. Enjoy your night in London x
H: Haha 😂 hope your making the most of it xxxxx
A: They’re all in the pool so I’m reading and generally psyching myself up for the journey home.
Hope everything is ok with you and that blog post lead to you finding other reading material 🙌🏼😘 xx
H: It will but Mike is sat opposite me so it will have to wait xxxx what do you suggest?
A: Was he there for the first wank 😂
If you read Sams it’ll lead to others at the bottom of the page. Go from there! Xx
H: No 😂
Lol, can friends reenact her words?
A: Best not. But you can’t blame a guy for asking I guess 😂
H: You certainly can’t, however I intend to be the perfect friend and a gentleman so I won’t try anything on or pressure you in any way for intimacy, I will however follow your lead and respond if the need arises xxx
A: I know you wouldn’t. You’re not that guy and it’s one of the many reasons I feel the way I do about you.
Thanks babe xxxx

I was sat in the airport lounge and found my post from February and sent him that to read!

A: I thought reading this would make you smile xxx

https://privateava.wordpress.com/2017/02/09/well-that-was-well-worth-the-wait/
Happy memories which no one can ever take away!
Enjoy xx
H: I will read it when I land back in the hotel, just sat in the bar having a beer! 😘😘😘
Wow, the best night of my life xxxxxx I have just re lived every moment but while wanking my self silly, I came as I fucked you from behind, face down butt plug inside you as I smacked your arse, as friends go I think we are pretty close xxxxx
A: Mine too xx

Tuesday 18th July

I received this from him:

H:

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A: Morning! Great view.
Such a charmer 😘 xx

H: Afternoon, I’m back from London in an hour, are you back in the uk? Looking forward to tomorrow xxx
A: I’m currently getting through the washing mountain & waiting for the boiler engineer. Appointment was between 12 & 5 and not here yet!!
Safe journey back babe. See you tomorrow xx
H: Lol, holiday a distant memory? See you tomorrow, night night xxxx
A: Kind of lol!
See you then hope you’re ok.
Coffee maybe if you’re free at some point?
Xxx

I saw him yesterday and it was ok. I’m still processing everything so I’ll empty my head about that later.

Importantly the friendship is ok and right now that’s my only concern.