I’m away on our next vacation and I’m in the best head space I’ve been in for a long while. I’m having a good time with the girls, Dick is behaving and functioning like a normal human being and I’m having lots of time to myself to read & relax. I needed a time out I think to get my head on straight.
I realised sat on the shore of Lake Garda over a week ago that I’d fallen in love with Harvey. What an absolute bombshell that was, I didn’t see it coming and I’m so embarrassed at myself. I’m not a stupid teenager and I’m well aware of fucking idiotic that sounds.
I know I will never change my situation with Dick and that Harvey will never leave his wife, not that I want him to. I never want to be the reason for someone else’s pain and I know I’ll never be anyone’s step mum. My situation with Dick isn’t ideal but he’s my kids father and although he’s an absolute fucking nightmare to live with, I do love him and I know he loves me.
After I got back to the uk and before I came here I had so little communication from Harvey that I got upset and pissed off at the situation. The longer it went without contact the easier I figured it would be to call it a day for both our sakes.
I reached out via email to tell him I was free for a chat as I felt I needed to do it verbally but that communication didn’t come off. He has emailed since he got back but I had to finish it and get it off my mind so I took the cowards way out and did it by email. He’s very graciously accepted it (to be fair he doesn’t have much choice lol!) but he could’ve been a complete arsehole about it but he hasn’t. He insists our friendship comes first and I’m hopeful it will. I haven’t told him I love him, there would be no point. I’ve told him it’s the lack of communication which is the truth. I’ll post the emails in a different post so I have them for posterity. I know we’ve ended it before and always rekindled it but not this time, I know we’re done.
My heart hurts but I know it’ll all fade eventually.