Feeling sorry for myself

I’ve not been emptying my head because it’s all a little complicated and I’m not sure how I’m feeling.

Dick is completely wrapped up in his bike and the freedom it gives him. He has no time or interest in anything else. I’m a little annoyed, but on the plus side, he’s out of the house and not under my feet being miserable. I feel neglected and that never ends well. It would appear my recent reservations about how long this happy period could last were well founded. He’s not interested in the slightest in Joy or exam schedule. He has asked her how it’s going but other than that he has interest. He’s very busy doing stuff in the garage, to the new bike or generally being on it than he’s not involved in the house or the running of it. Once again that’s left to me and I’m bored shitless of it. In fact I’m currently on strike as I just need to see how long it’ll be before someone steps in or says something.

Harvey is the other side of the world away with work. He’s tired and very busy doing what he’s paid to do. He’s taken his eye off the ball on a few things regarding his team and they have little or no respect for the way he’s handled a few things before his departure and I feel like that’s his main motivation for keeping me on his side, because he knows I’m good at what I do. I’m tired of being his main supporter and mouth piece. Yes it has added advantages like all the sex chat and fantasy, but I feel like I’m wasting my time. I get so little back from what I put in that I’m starting to resent it. I miss him and I’ve lost all perspective again so I need to step back.

I think I’ve discovered I’m quite high maintenance and it’s surprised me. I’m not sure what I want if I’m honest. I know relationships can’t be all singing and dancing all the time, but I feel like my life is too sedate. I need a little excitement and neither of these guys are providing enough of that. Yes I’ve had emails, Harvey has even sent me a few interesting photos as I refused to send him anything else as it was too one sided, and the odd conversation but it’s not enough. I think after yesterday I was so very upset with the world and so very tired after a difficult night, that I had no one to off load to. It’s indicative of how little interest Harvey has in my life that he didn’t even ask. Admittedly though he was hammered so I doubt he even remembers talking to me. Once I got home last night I deleted his inbox. I’d sent him some pretty explicit photos and I got such a lukewarm reaction to them it made me wish I hadn’t bothered. They’re gone now so I hope he enjoyed them at the time. I’ll not be sending anymore. Again there was a load of emails he hadn’t read which didn’t help improve my mindset. I think I feel under appreciated and that I have no one to share any of thoughts with and that make me sad.

 

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