A brief look back to the past!

The holiday was just what we both needed. We had a week together before we went away due to the Easter holiday. We had a few days getting last minute things we needed and spent time with the kids. We had heard some bad news about losing one of our friends which I think gave us both food for thought. Our friendship circle is small so to lose one of them suddenly with no warning is devastating. It does make you realise life is too short, I learned that last year when I lost my mom and made some changes about my own life. I’ve realised that however desperately unhappy I am, in the one responsible for it and how I choose to deal with it. After hearing the news about Ian’s death we both sat and talked for hours, reminiscing about fun times we’d had with them and the wider circle of friends, how different we are now to back then and tried to pin point when things changed. It was the first time in a really long time we talked about anything serious, of substance.
One of the topics we discussed was losing our daughter and how we both dealt with that. Dick told me that every day since we lost her he blames himself. The background to this is that the day we lost her Dick was ill, he had a high temperature and felt like he was starting with a cold. We had an appointment with the bank to go sign for our new mortgage as we were moving and I’d suggested we cancel it. He said no and that he was fine, it wouldn’t take long and that he felt ok. I was pregnant and he felt we needed to get this finalised!
We set off in the car and half way there he blacked out in the car while joining the traffic and we crashed into another car, luckily not at a massive speed as it would’ve been a lot worse than it turned out. A very long story short, I was fine, Dick was transferred to hospital, the driver of the other car was fine it was just damage to both cars. At the hospital I was asked if I was ok and I said yes because I was fine, I wasn’t hurt at all I was just very worried about Dick. Turns out he had septic tonsillitis and that he was quite ill. They kept him in for 2 days while he had IV antibiotics. The day he came home we went to bed and in the early hours I went into premature labour. Our daughter was born but her organs weren’t developed enough to survive. No one knows if the stress of the crash caused it, it could just be a horrible coincidence. We will never know but I don’t blame Dick I never have and I never will. I still can’t believe that no one checked me over at the hospital as it was obvious that I was quite well along in my pregnancy but I can’t dwell on that. I’m sad that he carries this guilt with him all the time and I’ve told him to get help but I don’t think he will. I think he wears his guilt like a coat of armour and that he thinks it saves him from feeling anything else. He keeps everything in and rarely lets anything out. This conversation in itself is a massive step forward for him.
We have been through so much shit and sadness together I genuinely don’t know how we’ve survived. We both agreed that we must truly love each other as other couples wouldn’t have survived what we’ve been through. I pointed out that we’ve barely survived! We both have had our moments where we’ve said enough. I’ve filed for divorce twice!! We sat and laughed about it. He said his affair with Angela in 2004 was the worst thing he’s ever done and he hates himself for that. He knows it was wrong and knows how much that hurt me. He wasn’t surprised when I threw him out and that my relationship with Steve is the only time in his life he was terrified. It’s interesting that our friend Ian is the one that took him to one side and asked him what the fuck he was doing! I never knew this until we had this chat. They both liked a drink (in fact Dick was drinking quite heavily at the time which is a story for another time!) and they’d gone on a boys trip to the cricket. Apparently while he was there Angela was texting him & ringing him the whole time and Ian threatened to put his phone in the toilet. He asked him if she was worth losing his entire family for and that he was really surprised he’d done it. He was the only person to call him out on it I’ve discovered. What an amazing friend he was. Dick told me that initially he told him that it wasn’t any of his business and things were frosty for a while, but Ian was the kind of friend that said what he wanted then it was forgotten about. We will miss him so much! I love that he spoke to Dick and called him out for it. True friendship is rare. It’s indicative of Dick’s family that they had met Angela with no qualms at all. This was while we were still living together I might add!! I won’t ever forgive them for that. I found that out when his brother threw a Halloween party and we had been invited as a family as there were games & fun planned for the kids. Our kids were 8 and 5 at the time. I was getting ready in one of the bedrooms when his brother walked in. I’d gone as Elvira (nothing says look at what you’re missing like a nice full cleavage and split to the thigh dress!) he just happened to walk in as my leg is up n the ottoman as I’m fastening my stockings to my suspenders. His face was a lovely shade of red as he apologised. He then shook his head and said “how he can prefer her to you, I’ll never know”. I replied “so you’ve met her then?” and he said yes they’d been at his house when Dick bought her over on the motorbike! I think my face betrayed me as he came over and said sorry he shouldn’t have told me. I told him it was fine and that it’s good that the family will accept things have changed. I told him I was grateful that we’d been invited to the party as I need to know my kids will always be included and he told me that the kids will always come first. He’s their godfather and he truly cares about them. I told him I needed to finish getting ready and that I wouldn’t tell his wife he got an eyeful of my stockings. He told her himself though because she came straight upstairs and checked on me, she then told me the whole family had been out for a drink and Dick had bought Angela and that it made her uncomfortable and she didn’t know what to do or say. I told her it was fine, because honestly it was. I was devastated that my marriage was over but I knew it was for the best. Looking back it’s no coincidence that happened 30th October 2004 and that my first date with Steve was 9th November!!
All stories I’ll probably catch up to at some point as this journal progresses.

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7 thoughts on “A brief look back to the past!

  1. Ohhh Ava! I still haven’t caught up on your earlier posts and I know you’ve touched on losing your daughter before, but gosh you are quite a woman! Much respect to you, lady. I’m glad to know you a little, albeit virtually x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ava, that was quite a few things you had to recount on. It is great that the two of you have managed to stay together (even if only barely) through all this. I wish sometimes that a magical love between you and Mr. Ava blossoms again and brings you back (with selective amnesia to all bad things that have happened) – like in a fairy tale. Yes, that is quite immature of me to think that, given all that you have been through. But then I have been like that of late.

    In any case, hope you are getting back on track after your dear friend’s passing. God bless his soul.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Walker I’ve realised you’re quite the romantic aren’t you? It’s a lovely quality you’re not immature at all. Thank you for the thoughts on the loss of my friend.

      Liked by 2 people

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