I think I just needed a snickers.
Sometimes I get out of sorts and don’t understand why until I start to empty my head in here. It all then makes sense once I press send and read it back, I don’t need a therapist I just need to empty my head and eat a snickers.
The world is fucked up, terrorists are creating mayhem and its devastating lives. I sat there for the last four days and was so distressed at it all, the fact that life is short and we should embrace every opportunity and go out and live our lives to the fullest. Which is the best defence to the situation, to not bow to the terrorists and keep calm and carry on.
Great in theory but fucking useless in practice isn’t it? I’m stuck between two men, who I care about enormously despite their lack of thought for me. Yes they both care in their own way, and they bring different things to the table that aren’t mutually exclusive, but I’m pretty disposable for Harvey, and Dick doesn’t even have a clue about what’s going on as he’s so enamoured with his new bike. I’m hurt because I care about both of them far more than they do for me. Which in Dick’s case is unforgivable but in Harvey’s perfectly understandable. I threw major shade at him for his comment of falling for me, I pushed him so far away he’ll never return properly. He arrived back in the U.K. last night and he’s exhausted. He messaged to say he’ll see me Tuesday. That pretty much means I’ll hear nothing from him until then. I hope he gets some rest. I will leave him to it, after all he has a family that will have missed him far more than I have.
Maybe, just a scary, strange idea I should just concentrate on myself. Remind myself that I don’t need either of them, for anything, I can do it all myself.
Liberating this not giving a shit. Long may it continue!
I’ve not been emptying my head because it’s all a little complicated and I’m not sure how I’m feeling.
Dick is completely wrapped up in his bike and the freedom it gives him. He has no time or interest in anything else. I’m a little annoyed, but on the plus side, he’s out of the house and not under my feet being miserable. I feel neglected and that never ends well. It would appear my recent reservations about how long this happy period could last were well founded. He’s not interested in the slightest in Joy or exam schedule. He has asked her how it’s going but other than that he has interest. He’s very busy doing stuff in the garage, to the new bike or generally being on it than he’s not involved in the house or the running of it. Once again that’s left to me and I’m bored shitless of it. In fact I’m currently on strike as I just need to see how long it’ll be before someone steps in or says something.
Harvey is the other side of the world away with work. He’s tired and very busy doing what he’s paid to do. He’s taken his eye off the ball on a few things regarding his team and they have little or no respect for the way he’s handled a few things before his departure and I feel like that’s his main motivation for keeping me on his side, because he knows I’m good at what I do. I’m tired of being his main supporter and mouth piece. Yes it has added advantages like all the sex chat and fantasy, but I feel like I’m wasting my time. I get so little back from what I put in that I’m starting to resent it. I miss him and I’ve lost all perspective again so I need to step back.
I think I’ve discovered I’m quite high maintenance and it’s surprised me. I’m not sure what I want if I’m honest. I know relationships can’t be all singing and dancing all the time, but I feel like my life is too sedate. I need a little excitement and neither of these guys are providing enough of that. Yes I’ve had emails, Harvey has even sent me a few interesting photos as I refused to send him anything else as it was too one sided, and the odd conversation but it’s not enough. I think after yesterday I was so very upset with the world and so very tired after a difficult night, that I had no one to off load to. It’s indicative of how little interest Harvey has in my life that he didn’t even ask. Admittedly though he was hammered so I doubt he even remembers talking to me. Once I got home last night I deleted his inbox. I’d sent him some pretty explicit photos and I got such a lukewarm reaction to them it made me wish I hadn’t bothered. They’re gone now so I hope he enjoyed them at the time. I’ll not be sending anymore. Again there was a load of emails he hadn’t read which didn’t help improve my mindset. I think I feel under appreciated and that I have no one to share any of thoughts with and that make me sad.
There’s been a terrorist attack at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester. A concert that Joy wanted to attend, but I said no, it’s in the middle of her exams and it would be too much of a distraction. It’s not local so it would be too late for getting home.
So my baby girl is safe in her bed and I’m so relieved but my heart hurts so much. So many of her friends went and I know at least 2 are safe, I’m praying the rest are ok. I have to wake my baby up in 5 minutes and lie to her, tell her everything is ok and she needs to carry on and not let terrorists win. That what they want, chaos and misery. But I can’t tell her how fucking horrible this world is. That you can’t even go out and have fun because it’s not safe.
Bastards. I’m so angry and my heart hurts.
I will wake my baby, give her the worlds biggest hug and tell her I love her. Because some parents/children can’t do that today because of a fucking idiot with no humanity decided that terrorism was a good idea.
I hope the person responsible burns in hell for eternity.
Be safe people and vigilant.
Was a very strange, out of sorts day!
It started off ok, everyone up & out of the house fairly easily. I had a very busy day at work, in fact so busy I bought my laptop home and worked when I got in!!
My evening unravelled thanks to Dick not returning home at his usual time, Frank was late too. I asked Frank where his dad was and he told me he’d gone to drop his motorbike off and that he was going to pick him up in 90 minutes. To say I was pissed off would be an understatement. At no point did he think to call me and tell me. He’s had the damn thing delivered today and already I’m not even an afterthought. Thank god I decided against cooking dinner tonight it would’ve been ruined by the time he got home.
I’m such an idiot though, because instead of channeling my anger/disappointment on something constructive I reverted to classic Ava and called Harvey. He’s in a hotel tonight away from home, so I knew he was safe. I called him but got no reply. You’d think that would put an end to that but no, I decided to run the bath, take a pretty photo of my breasts and send it to him with the subject header “your loss” and tell him he’d missed out on an epic FaceTime session as I was home alone!
Once I was out the bath I checked my emails and he’d replied to say he was free so like the desperate whore I am I face timed him. Wrapped in a towel I chatted to him while I dried myself with the towel. My hand everywhere until I decided I’d give him a show by fingering myself on camera. It soon got both of us hot under the collar and while he told me what he’d do if he was here, and directing me what he wanted me to do to myself, he joined in his end!! A happy ending was soon enjoyed by us both! Practically at the same time too. Definitely cheered me up and put a smile on my face. I love the fact that what we have is so easy. I feel no embarrassment or shame, I don’t even care that he sees me with my tummy wobbling, he makes me feel amazing about myself and I’m grateful for that. We’re both on the same page and I’m sure he’s just as appreciative of me as I am of him. It is what it is!
Dick returned and proceeded to make his tea, he didn’t ask if I’d eaten or if I wanted anything. I sat with Joy as she returned literally 10 minutes after her Dad got home, and talked about her day. She’s quite animated and looking forward to starting her GCSE’s tomorrow. She’s totally not stressing thankfully. When I went into the kitchen I made myself some toast, Dick asked me why I hadn’t eaten. I explained that I waited for him to come home as I planned to eat together. He just made some derisory comment about how I can kiss all that goodbye now his bike has arrived. Now I know he’s joking, not even he is that cruel & nasty, but it really upset me. I should’ve just laughed or ignored him but as I’m a little hurt I decided to explode and told him that I realised that already when he didn’t have the common courtesy to tell me he would be late or have the decency to ask if I’d eaten & offer to cook me something! His face was a mixture of stunned & shock. I came into the lounge and ate my toast. He followed me apologising that he was sorry for the comment. I told him he should be sorry for not telling me he was going to be late! And so it starts. He went to bed 2 hours ago, I’m too angry to sleep. I knew the fragile peace couldn’t last. But on a plus side I did get an epic orgasm earlier. Every cloud has a silver lining!
I saw this on Facebook and sent it to Harvey with the subject heading “So you’re good with knots”.
I hope he’s somewhere private when he reads it. He’ll probably shoot his load right there!!
I’m in a dirty, playful mood today. Shame there’s no one here to do something about it. I’ll crack on with my perusal of the internet and see where it leads me……..!
I’m sat here reflecting on the last few weeks since I returned from holiday. Things have been remarkably different in the house, there’s a sense of calm and the whole house is peaceful. I can only attribute the sense of peace to the fact that Dick and I are getting on, there’s no air of anger and the kids aren’t having to react to it. Is it everything I wanted and dreamed of? No not really. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice not to be arguing and I’m grateful we’re getting along, but it’s very flat. I might go insane as there’s very little conversation and no hint of sex. I know, some people would love to have this idyllic sounding relationship, but I’m bored shitless. I’ve often put our lack of conversation down to the fact that one of us is usually angry at the other, but it turns out we just don’t have enough in common. All this week with not being able to go to the gym, (long story, new trainer is a sadist and I managed to injure myself) we’ve spent our evenings in front of the tv watching mindless programmes. I’ve either read a book or done my nails. It’s not the stuff of romance novels is it? It could however be a lot worse. I’m thankful at least we’re ok and getting on.
Harvey is still very much a feature of my life. We’ve been in constant contact via email while he was on his holiday and that has continued upon his return to work Monday. We managed a brief conversation Monday morning getting up to date with work stuff, that ended with a hug and a kiss. It didn’t get out of hand and it was so good to have him back. I missed him far more than I should. He was away Tuesday and Wednesday so we chatted via email & phone. We’ve still got a very definite connection that neither of are fighting. It’s ok though, because our expectations are managed now we both know how we feel about each other. It helps that we have this almost chemical attraction to each other. Thursday things got out of hand again. We were on a teleconference in our usual room and when it was over we were soon back in familiar territory, hands everywhere, kissing, touching and generally one step away from getting it on. He took a call from our boss and the for the entire conversation I stroked him through his trousers, I unzipped him and got busy with my hand. His other hand that wasn’t holding the telephone was in my blouse squeezing my breasts and tweaking my nipples. As soon as that phone went down I was on my knees giving him the relief he needed. We got our breath back and was sat at he table as an maintenance engineer came in to say there would be a break in the power. Good job he hadn’t done that 5 minutes earlier! A valuable lesson as in our haste we hadn’t locked the door. We now have a definite agreement that we will not do this again. Yes, we can hug and kiss but that’s it. No more getting out of hand. We have made a plan to spend an afternoon together in a hotel and the week after an overnight. Hopefully this will give us both something to look forward to.
I know, I’m ashamed of myself.
I had my music on shuffle and Defying Gravity came on, I love the song and I listened to the words and thought they were rather apt for how I’m feeling right now.
So onto the holiday, I’ve eluded in earlier posts that it was amazing, and it was. It was everything we needed. It started off on the right foot, we’d already had conversations about our relationship and we’d agreed to be more open and honest following on from the death of our friend. More about that here:
A brief look back to the past!
We’d agreed that we really needed to put every thing behind us if we’re going to make the best of it!
And to be fair things have been pretty good. No Xbox, no arguments, no taking the piss or nasty comments. Soon it was time to go away.
I packed our things and Dick helped which made a change. I usually tell him it’s easier to just do it myself. He made a valid point that I never give him the opportunity to help as I’m so independent, and that he feels like I don’t value his help and it makes him feel shit. I then stress myself out packing and he feels it’s my own fault!
Fucking hell, that was quite an eye opener I’ll be honest. Not only did he offer to help, he explained that he wants to help and that’s why he no longer offers. Turns out communication really works when it goes both ways!
Woke up day of departure, said goodbye to the kids, dropped Joy off at school and set off! Dropped off the car and arrived at the airport. Had breakfast, did some shopping in duty free and it was the most stress free travel day we’d ever had.
Arrived at the resort and it was beautiful, everything you could possibly want spread out over a gorgeous resort. Dick had really done his homework for this one. We had a week of great laughs, amazing food, plenty of rest, quality time and thankfully a few decent sex sessions too!
We spent most days having breakfast then either exploring the locale or spending it by the pool. Lots of reading & relaxing. Within a few days we were well rested and until my unfortunate sun cream allergic reaction we were well on for quite the tan. Luckily we found a pharmacy that could give me a cream to use to alleviate it so it wasn’t the end of the world. It did mean though that most afternoons we had to go back to the room to reapply it and usually that meant sexual adventures!!
I’m not one for showing my body in public, in fact I don’t even go topless abroad. I’m not a prude and I don’t have a problem with other people doing it, I just don’t have the confidence. The rash on my chest was irritating me so in the lift we were alone so I removed my bikini top. I was wearing a sheer cover all with a deep v neck down to the navel so you couldn’t see anything if anyone else joined us the lift. Dick pulled my cover all up and said he was checking I still had my knickers on. He was laughing as he said he knew I had as he knows I’d never do it, but he was surprised I’d removed my top so he was just checking. I decided to call his bluff and step out of them in the lift. I took his hand and put it on my breasts and told him if he was good I’d reward him in the room. He immediately got busy with his fingers much to my delight and surprise. Lift arrived at our floor and he left the lift first. I was a little out of breath and dropped my knickers, as I bent down to get them I gave the lift on the opposite side a full view of my bare arse 🙈 the shame of it. We got the giggles and practically ran to the room whereby he finished what he’d started in the lift, but that wasn’t without incident either! In our rush to get it on I put the do not disturb sign on the door and off we went. Dick was sat on the sofa and I sat riding him facing the door as in walked the guy to refresh our mini bar! So embarrassed but I just winked at him and carried on 🙈 he left rather quickly and I didn’t break stroke I just carried on. Too funny!! Afterwards we sat and laughed and Dick told me that he couldn’t believe we’d done that, it was like he had a whole new wife. I told him that life is too short and that we need to enjoy ourselves, if nothing else it was certainly memorable. After that afternoon we took advantage of having no kids and had sex as often as possible. Every time was something different, new positions, new things to try. I lied slightly and said I’d picked up these ideas in books like 50 shades and that I’d been curious. To be fair I had a few pangs of guilt thinking I’d done most of them already with Harvey but what the eyes don’t see the heart can’t grieve about! I finally feel able to express myself sexually with Dick, it’s ridiculous I haven’t before now. He’s not totally onboard with all my ideas but he might come round to them. Spanking & anal are two definite no’s which surprised me, I thought that might intrigue him but the thought of hurting me stops him from wanting to try. As far as I’m concern we’ve had the conversation and that’s the end of it. If he decides to change his mind that’s up to him. I’m sad because I really enjoy that, but he doesn’t know that as he doesn’t know I’ve already done both!!!
Since we’ve been back we’ve been ok, he’s more relaxed and he’s taken on board what I’ve said about bringing work home with him. He’s made a concerted effort to keep things light and I’ve only once had to remind him. He snapped at me on Monday and I told him straight away to stop and he did, he apologised immediately. We’ve had sex once since we got back, once in two weeks. This is an improvement providing I don’t have to wait another two weeks for the next instalment! I appreciate though that he hugs me every night and he kisses me before he leaves for work, it can’t be sex all the time when you have a demanding house and the kids around.
We’re ok I think.
It doesn’t stop me thinking about, emailing or wanting Harvey though……….!
H: I know, it’s just wishful thinking, hope the prickly heat has faded and you are now comfy xxxxxx
A: Babe you’re really missing me aren’t you?
Either that are you’re doing a kick ass job of making me think so and making me feel wanted. Either way it’s appreciated xxx
Sat in the sun, rash has faded so hoping it doesn’t come back!
Enjoy site hope you’re ok xxxx
H: Not missing you at all ….xxxx you are however wanted, appreciated and desired xxxx
A: Sweet! Spoken like a man that’s desperate for a blow job when we return 😂
Miss you xxx
H: Touché xxx
A: I’m sat by the pool listening to music. Halestorm has come on and I’m smiling to myself thinking of how much fun we’ve had to this soundtrack.
Babe I can honestly say if it ends tomorrow I’ll be gutted but I’ll always have a smile on my face every time I hear one of these tracks!
It’s no coincidence that I immediately get wet too. That’s some legacy right there babe xxxxxx
H: Xxxx were so on the same page xxxx
A: I’ve never been this comfortable with anyone ever. That medication is amazing 😂😂 xx
H: And you should take that medicine orally as often as possible with the odd suppository xxxxx
A: I meant the amyltriptilene 😂😂
Your ego knows no bounds! You do make me laugh though babe.
Hope today has been ok xxxx
H: laughing like mad xxxx productive day but boring just home (nearly) from site.
A: Whoops! (I included a photo of my extremely white boobs with the contrast of the red sunburn!)
H: Xxxx I have some special cream I can rub into your chest xxxxx
A: I don’t doubt it 😂 xx
H: #babyoiltitwank xxxx
A: Typical selfish man 😂
H: Me selfish… I’m the one giving you a pearl necklace xxxxxxxx
You are such a fan of 70s porn aren’t you?
My initials are ** for ******** not ************* 😂😂
Pressed send and thought shit. That has my actual real first & second name on it. So much for the anonymous email for fuck sake.
Immediately emailed him.
A: I’m an idiot. Delete your entire inbox & sent. I used my actual fucking name in that last one 😳
After 30 minutes I hadn’t had a reply and luckily Dick was on the patio reading while I was on the bed resting. I decided to log into his email account and delete it myself.
A: Deleted them myself as paranoia set in.
You’re crap at deleting email and so many that are unread too!
H: Doing it now xxxx
I think I’d just clicked mark as unread as I was trying to delete them, or have I missed some communications? Xxxxx
A: Loads I’d sent that had never been read! I knew this after last time which is why I rarely message more than once now.
I learned a long time ago never to bother telling you anything important/heartfelt on email as it rarely gets read!
H: Confused as I’ve not seen them to read?
A: It’s usually when I’ve replied to you on a previous thread then started a new one. They’re probably still in your trash actually as I forgot to clear it. Like I said nothing in there mind blowing or devastating anymore as I’ve learned.
Please delete your trash as I forgot xx
H: Trash deleted xxxxx has the sunburn calmed down a bit yet? What’s this evenings entertainment?
By now we’d gone back out to the pool as it’d cooled slightly but I still needed to be in the shade. In response to his email I sent him a photo of my legs on the sun bed.,
A: In the shade.
H: Long and silky smooth…… looking good babe xxxx
A: What would you give to have those wrapped round your waist, shoulders or face right now?? Xxxxxx
H: Anything and everything xxxx
A: Even your cars???
Luckily you’ll very soon have access to my legs and everything else again 😘 xx
H: Yes I can always start a new collection xxxxx
A: Liar 😂
H: LOL, it’s my pension I’m trying to keep xxxx
A: Good luck with that! I’m only still married because he gets half of mine and I’m worth more 😂😂😂 xxx
H: I know that feeling 😘😘😘
A: 😘😘😘 xxxx
H: Sweet dreams xxxx
A: Night babe xxxx
H: Morning Babe,
Busy day ahead?
A: Packing and check out for 12. Off shopping then airport at 5!
Arrive back 12 uk time, home bed & funeral tomorrow afternoon.
Probably won’t be around much. Hope you’re getting sorted for your holiday!
H: Times fast running out,
As we fly early Saturday so I have tonight and Friday to sort everything,
Safe journey back and I’ll see you soon xxxx
A: Take care and have fun xxxxx
About to leave the hotel. Hope you get everything sorted for your trip away. Thanks for keeping me amused while I’ve been away.
See you when you return xxxxx
A: Arrived back. What a long arsed day that was.
Now to travel back home!
H: Morning Babe, hope this doesn’t wake you, just thought I’d say hi,
What’s your lunch plans?
A: I’ve had 2 hours sleep! Didn’t get back until 3.30!!
Hope you’re not flying ******** motorway closed on the way back due to overnight closures, fucking nightmare 😏
Funeral today so no lunch for me xxxx
H: Sorry I forgot about the funeral, never a good day.
******* for me flying tomorrow morning.
A: Thank you.
At least you won’t have traffic nightmare.
Have a great time and safe flight xx
H: Appreciating it’s the last thing in your mind today but I have cr booked out all day for 1 to 1’s on the 8th I’m at ****** on the 10th (overnight in the 9th) cr booked all day on the 12th and site on the 16th (overnight on the 15th)
2nd June hotel TBC from 15.00 to ????
7th June overnight for the event
As you can tell I’m not missing you 😘 in the slightest xxxx
A: Thank you that made me smile xxx
I didn’t miss you either 😂 xx
H: Night babe xxxx
I’ll call you at your desk on Monday as I may need you to log onto my laptop (it’s on your desk) look forward to hearing your voice on Monday xxxxx
A: You’ll have a job babe it’s bank holiday Monday and I’m not in until Tuesday 😂
H: Grrrrr I’ll manage another 24 hrs xxxx
A: What’s so urgent that it can’t wait?
What needs doing?? Xx
H: Nothing the grrr was because I’ll have to wait till Tuesday to hear your voice xxxx it’s nothing urgent just something needs uploading by the 5th as I ran out of time today xxxxx
A: Smooth! 🙌🏼
Email them across and I’ll upload them when I get chance. I’ll need your password xxxx