Today I received a message through the contact page of this blog. I’ve been chatting to a few of you that have reached out regarding various things and kept them confidential as it’s not my place to share such things. Today I got a message from one of you (you know who you are!) that made me realise I don’t always make things very clear. I either rant away or go off on a wild tangent. Here’s the original email & my response to the questions. I hope it fills in any blanks that any of you had. I’m always happy to answer questions as long as they don’t compromise my anonymity!
Hope you are getting better from your cold.
I wanted to ask you something, as long as you did not mind me doing so. What exactly is the problem between you and your husband? Obviously my perspective of Mr. Ava is only through your words, so I do not really know how bad a person you think he is – and that in turn is because you have never gone out and put him down entirely in fine detail. It might be because at the bottom of your heart you do not think he deserves it, or you might be insulating the rest of the world from your deepest hatred for your husband. Either way, I would like to know if you would like to share.
Now, I have been reading your posts for a few months now and this is what I am basing the above the question. As I have told you before, I am a guy too and thus I come with all shortcomings of one. So if I did not read enough or missed some obvious signs, please forgive me.
The reason why I ask this is, I felt sorry for him every time you described him, even in the last episode where he was saying he was worried about your cold (which aspect of it was unclear to me) and the way you had interpreted it (apparently one of the aspects that was not obvious in your writing).
Please note that I am not and shall never judge you. I am not in a relationship, which should prove that I am not trying to take a side which I believe is similar to mine – if anything, I was Harvey (not really, very kind of) in the only real love relationship I had in my life 🙂
My response below:
Thank you for your mail. I do not mind answering your questions at all. In answer to your first question, I’m feeling much better thank you. I think because I’ve rested 2 days it’s made a massive difference.
In answer to your second question, I’m not sure how long you’ve been a reader but Dick is very off and on with his feelings, he’s also quite selfish & single minded so not the best foundation on which to build a loving & consistent relationship. The slightest thing can alter his mood with no warning. We’re currently in a good spell and long may it continue. In this period he is attentive, kind, loving & caring. Nothing is too much trouble and he’s a pleasure to be around. He’s also very clever though, so this could be a massive game to keep me onside so that I go to Italy with his family. He knows I’m not at all interested in this, and knows also that if he doesn’t play along I’ll not go. That being said it’s booked now so we will see what happens. He works very hard and he has a demanding and very stressful job, this doesn’t help. We’re now on leave so he is usually always in better frame of mind.
At his worst he’s horrible. He’s a nasty, angry man with little or no thought for anyone but himself. He hides this well from the rest of the world by being very generous so people tend not to notice. He can fly into a rage and say the most hurtful things and he’s a big fan of slamming doors. I find it wearing all the time because I never know what mood Dick will be in, he’s never violent towards us though. He’s never laid a hand on me or the children, that’s a definite deal breaker and I would leave without a moments hesitation.
Sex is a big issue. He rarely makes the first move as it doesn’t seem to interest him. When we do though it’s always good. We both enjoy it (as far as I can tell he does, anyway) but it’s not high on his list of things to do or initiate. If I make a play for him it usually ends with disappointment as he’ll push me away and make me feel like shit so I rarely bother now. I do have hope though that things are improving. He seems more interested lately and little bits of communication make me believe it’s something we can work on.
In answer to your question regarding the conversation about my cold I realise I didn’t elaborate that very well. I suffer from chronic kidney disease and have limited liver function from an earlier part of my life when I suffered from anorexia and then alcoholism. I have a compromised immune system so any illness wipes me out and I have to be really careful. He is worried about my cold because although it’s “just a cold” it knocks me for six. There’s every chance my doctor could decline to give me a fit to fly certificate for our upcoming holiday. This will either mean I’ll have to cancel it or I’ll go against medical advice and therefore be uninsured. My doctor is a reasonable person and will hopefully see that a holiday is exactly what I need right now so I can’t see it being an issue.
I hope this answers your questions for you. I realise completely that this is entirely one sided as I’m sure Dick sees things very differently to me.
I might post this response on my blog. Would you be ok with that? I’m happy to keep your name & the personal bits out if you’d be ok with that? I’m also equally happy to post it all. I’ll leave it up to you.
Thank you for reaching out and asking me these questions, it’s given me plenty to think about!