12th April

Absolutely felt like death. Aching everywhere and spent most of the night coughing so my chest felt tight. Too much to do before I break up for my holiday on Thursday to ring in sick. I didn’t look that bad I just felt it. I got into work and ploughed on through my jobs. Harvey was due in too and I really wasn’t looking forward to seeing him. I was quite apprehensive at how that would go. Yes we’d chatted on the phone and emailed but not actually seen each other.
I took a phone call away from my desk and as my call finished he appeared. I’m not sure if it was a coincidence but we were alone. He apologised for Friday again and told me he never meant to make me upset or angry. I accepted his apology and said we needed to draw a line under it and move on. He stroked my hand as we talked as if he needed me to know he could do it. It was strange though, because all it did was make me feel sad. We have such a huge pull to each other that even that small touch was hard. He had a meeting at a nearby hotel later that day and asked me over for a coffee once it finished for a catch up so we could talk properly and at least have a hug. I said I’d think about it. Went back to my desk and carried on and the morning disappeared. I sent him a note on the instant message system to say I declined his kind invite as it was too risky given that I’d have to leave work plus I was full of cold and felt crap. I figured we’d manage something in the office. I met my friend for lunch so I went to the pub. She’s well aware of my sobriety so it wasn’t an issue as she wouldn’t let me drink if I wanted to. We had a fab catch up over lovely food. I got back to my desk and Harvey hadn’t acknowledged my message so I wasn’t sure if he’d seen it or not. I realised that I wouldn’t see him now until mid may and that made me sad. All I actually wanted was a hug and to know we’d be ok. I sent him an email.
A: We didn’t get a hug but I guess it’s for the best. Know that I will miss you but I’ll be available on email if you feel the need
H: Never say never, the days nor over yet xxxxx
A: Very true xxxx
H: Just finishing up now, just need to make sure everyone leaves I’ll keep in touch
A: I think not!! Did you you miss the message on lync?
I sent him a screenshot of the conversation we’d had
A: It’s too risky
H: Ok if you are sure, this room will be empty in 5mins, if not I’m on my way soon would you like a quick chat and a hug in a CF?

I called him while I looked for a room. I found a room and booked it and told him where I’d be. He said he’d be 10 minutes so I went and got my paperwork and got sorted in there.

H: On my way

Next thing I know he messaged me to say he’s in a different room. Our “usual” room. This isn’t great because we all know what happens in this room!! The room I had meant we could chat without being seen entering or leaving plus had limited view for a hug but nothing more. His room was where all the fun could be had plus I’d be seen. Determined that I would not be drawn into things getting out of hand I went in. He was sat at the table (with the blinds down, which is fair enough as we were going to hug!) I stood at the table and asked him why he came into this room and not mine. He laughed and said this one was free. He came over and hugged me, gave me a kiss and just held me. I stroked his face and told him that I felt better. We sat at the table and chatted. I don’t know why we have this attraction/chemistry, it scares the hell out of me. He kissed me again, his hand up my blouse tweaking my nipple, he lifted my top, took my breast from my bra and sucked and bit my nipple, all the time he did that I’m stroking his cock through his trousers, he was so hard. It would’ve been so easy to go further but I came to my senses and stopped it. He asked me to go to the corner and I said no, no more risks, restraint had to happen. We settled down and talked about if we’d still do what we planned while his wife was away and we agreed we would. We’re going to have a cheeky afternoon early evening in a nearby hotel on the Friday and then a night in a nice hotel the week after, friends with benefits. I know. I can’t help it, he’s a good friend, a safe pair of arms and as long as we remember it’s not forever it’s ok.
He kissed me goodbye, properly, and I told him we’d do lunch or something when we’re both back. He goes away as I return.
I returned to my desk to finish my work feeling much better, calmer.
I left for the day and sent him an email

A: Bye xxxxx
H: Xxxx for the record I get huge amounts of pleasure playing with your tits and I could spend hours touching stroking tweaking licking pulling biting caressing massaging before I turn my attention to your clit and wet slit…..
A: And now you’re hard at your desk again aren’t you? 😂😂
For the record I could let you……
So the afternoon of 2nd June will soon be here! Xxxxxx
H: So glad we practised restraint xxxxx I’ll use 4 restraints on the 2nd June
A: I’m going home afterwards so I suggest you keep those for the week after……!
I’m off to sort myself out after you got me nice & wet earlier….. thinking of you xxxxx
H: I have a week for the marks to go …..
A: Good we’ll use the restraints on you then!
H: Bring it on be gentle-ish LOL kiss kiss kiss
A: But you’ve got a week for the bruises to heal!
Get that anal hook ordered you’ll love it 😂😂😂😂

I’m aware typing this now there’s a whole load of communication missing from a few weeks ago. I couldn’t be bothered/arsed/inspired to type up what had happened because I was so sad at the situation after the overnight got ruined that I lost the will. But we had had a pretty hilarious exchange of email about next steps and he suggested an anal hook! It involved me googling it and being pretty fucking terrified if I’m honest and looked like a trip to a&e waiting to happen!

We’ve reset the bar and scaled everything back as we were too close, too connected. This way we still have contact and the 3 week break should help with that. I know I won’t go back to what we had, it was too stressful, too upsetting but this way we keep the flirting, the emails, the occasional connection and that’s good. My friend Walker (amfeelingright ) over at
commented on a recent post that its addiction, and he’s right it is. Going cold turkey just makes the need more intense, more emergent. This way a little Harvey “fix” should keep me sane. I get the attention I’m so desperately lacking at home and he gets an “Ava” fix to keep him smiling. We both are on the same page again I believe.

I had a relatively quiet night as I felt dreadful. Joy was returning from her stay at her aunts and we were all going to the in laws to discuss a short break in Italy we’re planning. They returned and it was lovely to have her back. I decided not to go with them though as I was feeling too ill, plus if I’m honest, planning a holiday with his family isn’t high on my things to do list. I didn’t do anything like that with my family and it makes me sad. I had a bath and chilled out, enjoying the peace.
When they returned it was all sorted. Flights booked, travel insurance sorted for his mum & stepdad that covers him as he’s only recently had 2 heart attacks. They plan to sort routes, car hire and hotels etc this weekend. It gives us something else to focus on and it’ll be a nice treat for Joy after prom.
Once his sister left we went to bed. Dick told me that he was surprised I wasn’t getting more involved with the planning of the holiday. I told him that I wasn’t feeling well so I thought it was best I didn’t pass it on. I had told them before they went round that if it was an issue for cars etc with it being 6 people I’d be more than happy to stay here, but they wouldn’t hear of it.
I think the penny dropped though because out of nowhere Dick said he was sorry that he hadn’t realised that this must’ve been hard for me bearing in mind I’ve not long lost my mum. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too but he needed to back away so he didn’t get his germs back and he laughed. He said he’d risk it and started stroking my back and his hand came round to my breast. Before I knew it we were having sex and all thoughts of feeling ill went out the window. It was pretty good if I’m honest, he’s so good at getting me off, plenty of foreplay before the actual event so I always cum. It’s just a shame it’s so few and far between, plus I don’t have the confidence to tell him what I want like I do Harvey. Typing this up though I feel like such a bitch now though. Why can’t I have this kind of attention and affection all the time? I wouldn’t need Harvey if I did! They both have their uses, maybe if I find the courage to show Dick a little of ‘Ava’ he’ll love it and want to do this more. Maybe the reason he doesn’t want to is because he feels it’s a lot of effort. I have tried talking to him, asking if there’s anything else he wants and he always says no! Who knows. I know I’m not proud of myself.


2 thoughts on “12th April

  1. I never have the nerve to have this chat with my husband either. I often wonder if he’s even attracted to me anymore, he seldom acts like it. I know he loves me and we genuinely like one another. But that desperate need for one another left a long time ago. It makes me sad. I wish I wasn’t such a pussy and I’d tell him what I need.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s hard to believe isn’t it? We’ve shared our lives with these men all this time and we can’t talk about our needs. I keep saying I’m going to try harder, what’s the worst that could happen?? But I always stop myself. Is it just routine to them, are they so busy in the head from the day to day that they just don’t connect?? All these questions. They should be grateful that they have women like us that like sex and actually participate, they don’t want to be treated like some delicate flower!! I hope you find the courage to give voice to your needs & desires!

      Liked by 1 person

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