I had a very busy Saturday following on from all the drama of Friday. I met up with my friend for some retail therapy and had a few emails from Harvey. I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from him after we emailed on Saturday but I did.
I had a lazy Sunday morning and decided that I’d sit in the garden and soak up the sun while we had the opportunity and he emailed me in the afternoon.
H: Jobs finished might take sons car for a spin as it’s not been run for four or five weeks, you should be nicely pink by now 😎
A: Car trip out sounds fab! Wife will no doubt appreciate getting out, maybe a trip to coast to blow away some cobwebs! Hope you have fun wherever you end up x
Feeling more than a little sorry for myself I opened a bottle of corona and sat outside in the sun. Because I’m a bitch I sent Harvey a photo of my long legs whilst holding the bottle. (I know, destructive & very selfish!) regretted it as soon as I did it. I also sent it to Freya to say I needed to let off some steam and that I’d be ok and have no more.
H: Nice legs enjoy the cheeky beer don’t fall to hard xxxxx
A: Just had the one. Now on orange squash rock n roll!
What you been up to? Xxxx
H: Managed to get some shopping then dropped the car off to pick the inlaws up, went for an ice cream at the local lake and managed to get the Mrs and both inlaws to use an electric scooter! Back now for an BBQ at the neighbours xxxxx
I’m at site in the morning I’ll call for a chat if that’s ok
A: Sounds like a good day is being had by all.
Enjoy the BBQ xxx
I posted an update Saga
And I received a comment from Ryan over at A patient man. He’s been in a similar situation to Harvey in that he has had an affair with a coworker. You can find his blog https://apatientman.wordpress.com/ here
I read his comment on my blog and I have to say initially it pissed me off. (Sorry Ryan if you’re reading this) I screen shot the email and sent it to Harvey to say that I wasn’t impressed as it seemed he was winning. Now with the benefit of hindsight I can be objective and see that Ryan’s comments were insightful. He understands completely where Harvey is coming from and sees that he’s sorry. I read it totally from the angry perspective of how dare you feel sorry for that man, he’s a bastard and doesn’t deserve me!! But of course from the outsider looking in it does appear I threw my teddy out over something trivial, when to me it was pretty massive! Any hoo if you are reading this Ryan thank you. It helps me to know your viewpoint as you come at it from Harvey’s perspective so thank you for that it certainly helps me.
Harvey replied a little later.
H: Damn I wish I’d thought of posting that….
Please forgive xxxxx
A: I don’t plan to mention it again. It never happened, much like the last 8 months!
We’re still friends. I forgive you, but it won’t happen again as my guards are back up now.
Happy to chat tomorrow if you’re free, friends do that xx
H: Look forward to it xxxx
A: Enjoy the rest of the weekend xx
H: Will do, how’s the white bits?
A: I look like a drumstick lolly!
(I included a photo of my neck and top of my chest, you couldn’t see anything other than a white line across my cleavage, not too much on display)
H: Laughing, I would certainly give it a lick xxxx
A: Well you won’t, so get used to it lol xx
Speak later xx
I caught up with Freya via messages and assured her I was ok after my little blip and the rest of the night passed uneventfully.
I thought Monday would be difficult, I dreaded going in to the office knowing that Harvey was going to call. Caught up with the girls and filled in their missing memories as they were completely shit faced on Friday! Harvey called and we chatted for 20 minutes. I found a quiet conference room so we could talk without being overheard. I was more worried I was going to cry than get angry. He apologised sincerely and I accepted his apology. He doesn’t know why he said or acted as he did, he can only put it down to being terrified that someone will find out about us, so he puts up a show but goes too far. He did a good job of convincing me that he finds me very attractive, my figure is perfect yada yada yada but I told him the damage is done. I could hear in his voice that he’s sorry, I know he regrets it and that’s enough. I told him we must put the friendship first and he wholeheartedly agreed. We talked about how he feels about me and told me that we said we’d be honest and that’s him being honest. I told him that it was the first rule after no risks, don’t fall in love with me. He just laughed. I told him I’ll see him briefly on Wednesday but then I’m away so hopefully the break will help everything settle down. We finished the conversation by agreeing that we had something amazing and that yes I’d miss the sex and I thanked him for that because I’d experienced something I never thought I would. He said he was away tonight and that he’d think of me and we ended the call laughing. I felt so much better for talking to him.
Our emails crossed.
H: Also for the record, I can control my feelings but in the spirit of honesty I didn’t want to hide anything, note I said falling and not fallen!
The reset bar and 2 weeks of absence can only be a good thing, friendship first and last xx
Have a good day and I’ll call you later x
A: Thank you for calling to apologise, I appreciate that it wouldn’t have been easy to do.
I am devastated, please don’t think I took this decision lightly because I didn’t. I have to look out for myself and my mental health and well being. It would be so easy to say ok let’s forget it and pick up where we left off but now I know you’re starting to feel the way you do, it had to end. It can only end badly with one or both us hurt and neither of us deserve that. I care about you too much to put you through that, that being said though I will miss what we had. Thank you, I meant what I said about enjoying what we’ve had because it’s been amazing!
H: I’m devastated too, but as I’ve always said I will follow your lead, I have had an amazing time and experienced things I could only dream of, hopefully the memories will be the last to fade as dementia kicks in.
Friends till the end xxxx
A: Always xxxx
H: Agreed, xxxxx are you available for a chat or are you flat out?
A: I’m just at lunch, shall I let you know when I’m back? Xx
H: Lovely, this clown has just sent an email to your work from my personal account! If possible could you delete and I’ll just have to style it out with the others.
A: Idiot I’ll sort when I’m back in the office.
At least you didn’t send it from this one 😂
(This one being a strange nickname and it appears to come from someone else!!!)
A: Deleted xx
H: Thank you for clearing up my mistakes and having my back
A: It’s what I do best!
I’m still Donna xx
Straight after work I hit the gym. It was my usual legs, bums & tums class but I got there to find the room set out differently. Bar bells and steps arranged. Holy shit it would appear the new trainer is a sadist. I worked my arse off (legs & tums too) and felt like I’d been in car crash when it finished!
On the walk home I tried to get my head straight about everything going on. I find the energy I expend at the gym helps focus my brain a little. I realised that I’d been really selfish by not being honest with Harvey about how I felt. I do feel more for him than I’ve let on, it’s the reason I’ve let him go if I’m honest. The last few weeks since our overnight have been really hard. I got home and emailed him while I ran the bath.
A: Last word on the subject but I feel I need to be honest with you. I’ve pushed you away because I too could fall really easily so it’s for the best. I think you know this already but it’s not fair for me to make out that this separation of our relationship is all down to you. You know I’ve been struggling for weeks with how close we’ve become so it’s only fair I make my feelings clear. Yes I can control them too, and neither of us will or want to change our current status but it doesn’t stop me wanting more of your time and attention. I think the problem is we’re both getting exactly what we needed from being together (not just the sex either!) that it clouds our judgement. I will completely miss the physical side of us along with the emotional too. Luckily we have a great friendship so we will survive this. I wanted you to know that it’s not just you. I care about you more than I should and way more than either of our partners would like me too.
Big hugs babe xxxxxxxxxx
H: How can reading that mail make me hard!!! God knows but it did!!
You have summed up how we both feel, you have always been far more eloquent than me (and everyone else).
The enforced break will do us both good.
You can be honest it’s my athletic body you will miss the most, LOL (shot putter)!!!
Big hugs back to you babe.
I’m home alone in the hilton tonight, I can’t promise I won’t crack open that bottle of lube and wank my self silly thinking of our previous exploits.
A: You do make me laugh babe, one of the things you’re very good at and why I love you lol!
Enjoy the peace, solitude, that lube, your left hand and your memories xxxxx
H: Wise words xxx
A: Yes I’m very sage lol xx
I did an hour of this earlier. Please don’t attend my funeral 😂😂
(I sent him a photo of the class layout with all the equipment we’d used)
H: Lol, I would attend I’m not missing the chance of a day off from work…
Just landed, what’s on telly?
A: Fuck knows. I’m listening to Michael Nyman and painting my nails 😂
H: QI it is then, although I might Spotify Michael Nyman and see if he’s any good
A: It’s piano, you’d die of boredom sadly.
H: Not if I imagine you sat naked playing it xxxx
A: I can play ‘the heart asks pleasure first’
Seems (in)appropriate 😂
A: Not in the *redacted* when I last played it. #truestory
H: You never fail to amaze xxxx
I sent him a link to you tube so he knew what I meant.
Sleep well xxx
H: lol if that’s you you have hairy arms xxx
A: You’ve seen my arms. They’re hair free like my lady garden 😂😂
H: Hard at the memory, if I close my eyes I can taste your sex xxxx
A: Do friends chat like this????
Yes lol xxx
H: That’s why I like this friendship xxx
A: This and the fact I’m your right hand woman and you’d be fucking lost without me!
H: Lost/sacked I sopose it’s the same thing, but yes I would be both without you
A: You wouldn’t, but you’d miss my help more than our relationship lol xx
H: You missed my deliberate sopose
A: I ignored it as you spelt it wrong twice lol. Does your phone not have spell check??
H: Yes it does but you know I like it when you correct me :….
You kill me babe xxx
H: Like wise xxxx, I’ve saved the lube for a special occasion, let me know if you never say never and I’ll crack it open with you xxxxx
A: Babe. Serious question time, when have we ever needed lube???
H: With you never! But in my youth a hand full of baby lotion worked well….
I have a suggestion, why don’t we both get on the friendship wagon, that way we can occasionally fall off it xxxxx
A: Great idea xxxx
I think we’ll be fine, the friendship is still there, we still have a level of banter (which occasionally will be too much) but I feel better for knowing we can survive this.