What the hell happened?
After a day that started on such a high with a fast, furious, orgasmic sex session in one of the conference rooms that ended with my affair with Harvey blown to pieces, me crying, feeling like shit and generally wishing I’d never even gone out in the first place.
It’s definitely over. There’s no coming back from this, I just can’t.
I’d got up for work on Friday and as I was getting dressed I thought, I’ll give Harvey a treat (and myself!) I chose my clothes carefully. Black bra, pants, hold up stockings, blouse and skirt. I knew he had a room booked for a conference and that he’d said we could talk today. Restraint has gradually been worn away, the pull between us is really strong. We were off out with colleagues tonight and I figured if I did something to relieve the sexual frustration between us it would make tonight easier.
I got to work and he came to my desk to ask if I could go through some information with him. I told him I’d be 5 minutes and I’d see him there. I took a quick photo of my stocking top and sent it to him.
I got to the room and the blinds were down. I told him to check his email and while he was logging on I removed my knickers. He locked the door and came over, got to his knees and immediately got me off with his fingers and tongue. Once I’d thoroughly enjoyed that I returned the favour by getting on my knees and removed his cock from his trousers and sucked and stroked until he was moaning that he was so close. I stood up and bent over the cupboard in the corner and told him to fuck me. From behind he thrust into me until we both came. Hot, heavy & very definitely worth it! We caught our breath back, unlocked the door and sat at the desk and worked while our skin returned to its normal shade. I left him to his teleconference and returned to my desk. I didn’t see him again until we were out.
With work finished I went home to get ready for the night out. Joy kindly curled my hair for me and said she wanted to do my make up. She did an amazing job! She’s so talented, all her friend love her doing their make up as she has a real eye for it. I felt really pretty (which if you’re a regular reader of this blog you’ll know is not the norm!) I’m quite plain and the make up really made the most of my eye colour and cheek bones. Thank the sweet baby Jesus for contour & highlighter! I knew that the risks would be too high to try anything with Harvey so I wore skinny jeans, loose blouse & high heels.
Met up with the girls for food and drink before meeting the rest of the team.
We had a fantastic time, good laugh and plenty of drunken friends enjoying themselves. Big positive for me was I wasn’t even tempted to drink. I was worried that this would be the biggest risk to my sobriety but I was ok, I didn’t feel I needed to.
I did follow him to the toilet for a cheeky kiss and cuddle but missed him. Fuck knows how but it never happened. We were talking at the table and I stroked his arm with my finger nail where no one could see. He told me that he was struggling and that it was a constant thought to stop himself reaching to touch me.
One of our colleagues mentioned that myself & Emma had a similar top on with a choker round the neckline and said something about how alike we were. I commented that he hadn’t better be thinking mother & daughter (to be fair she’s 25 so it’s totally possible!) but Harvey said no more like grandmother and that I’m a GiLF! Hilarious, I told him he was dead to me and everyone laughed. A short time later we left to get the last trains to our respective homes. There was 5 of us walking together, Freya & Emma were on the train with me as Emma’s boyfriend was meeting her at my destination to take her home and Dick was picking up me & Freya and we were dropping her home. Jack was getting a taxi from the station and Harvey was on a different train. Whilst walking down to the station Jack held Emma’s arm as she was unsteady, Freya was texting on her phone and I walking with Harvey. I reached for his arm as I figured given I was wearing heels it would be completely understandable why I was holding his arm. This is where the shit hits the fan.
He was making the weirdest noise, like a low whine as if he was in pain. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes and kept suggesting things he’d like to do to me but all the time he was moving my hand off his arm. I realised he wasn’t comfortable with me holding him so I said if it’s a problem don’t worry I’ll walk unaided. He said I want to kiss you by that advertising hoarding, you walk that way round it. At this point Jack stopped to see where we were (luckily before we had chance to stop and kiss) I told Jack that we were slow because I had ridiculous heels on and that Harvey’s fear of being touched meant that I couldn’t hold his arm. Jack told Harvey to just help me and he said he couldn’t. I mentioned that he’d rather see me fall and if I did even then he wouldn’t touch me. We were laughing, it was all good. And then he said no he’d call 999 then green peace. Not funny at all, so Harvey thinks me falling down is the equivalent of a beached whale. Devastated and so upset. We all carried on to the station but the damage was done, a simple thoughtless comment completely ruined my night. Harvey knows about my issues regarding weight, he knows I’m an ex-anorexic and that although I make jokes about myself it’s never ok for other people to do that. I went to get the tickets from the machine and he told me he wanted to fuck me, I told him to fuck off and not speak to me. He said have I upset you? And I told him that yes he was a cruel, nasty drunk and that he’d gone too far.
I pointed out where his platform was and left him to it. Me and the girls got the train.
Freya & Emma were on their phones so I emailed Harvey.
A: Drunk Idiot. I hope when you remember what you said to me in the morning you’re thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
H: If it’s the GiLF remark then it was timed to perfection, of it offended you the it was a perfect smokescreen if it wasn’t the grandma remark then in lost….
A: Green peace to pick me up if I fell.
H: That wasn’t mine! And if it was it was obviously a piss take, I wanted to touch and hold you so tight but I couldn’t xxxxx
A: You’re denying that when it was less than 30 minutes ago and I’m sober and have a photographic memory?
Note to future self don’t take the piss about my weight. Ever. I’m so upset I can’t even tell you. Nasty.
H: Wooooooow I mentioned age not weight and I mentioned that in jest…….
A: Not arguing with you it’s pointless. I know exactly what you said and it was you’d ring 999 and call green peace if I fell.
At the end of the day you can’t change that, hell you can’t even admit it or apologise.
Such a shame, I hope you’re proud of yourself.
H: Wow, anything I said was to divert attention from us… if I said that then I need shooting and you can pull the trigger…
It’s never my intention to hurt you.. you are better then me and that xxxxx
And anything I’ve said or any body language is down to the fact that I don’t want people to know I’ve fallen for you xxxx
Sooooorrrrrry if I have upset you it’s never my intention xxxxxx
A: Too upset right now.
You’ve fallen for me??? Just how drunk are you?
You hardly know me. I’m just a bit of fun remember. I genuinely hope it’s the drink talking because you’ll definitely regret that tomorrow more than the green peace comment.
Sleep it off. Hope you have a good weekend, despite how hurt and upset I am I can still wish you that.
H: The green peace comment wasn’t mine… if it was then it’s the standard school boy stuff but I don’t remember saying it
I’m as close to falling for you as is possible…
But I. Still a realist xxxxx
A: You’re such an idiot. I’m too upset to deal with you tonight plus no doubt you’re pushing your luck messaging me when you should be home and know better.
Don’t fall for me, it won’t end well.
Train arrived and Emma was picked up by her boyfriend and Dick picked up Freya and myself. We dropped Freya off and I got home and wrote the post drunken arse hole
I went to bed but didn’t sleep. I saw a response from Harvey
H: I’m in sons room! I am an idiot that’s not in dispute. Ok I’m not falling for you … so no issue their then!!! Night night see you on Wednesday xxxxx
I didn’t reply, there was nothing I could say really.
So after a horrible night of being upset and having zero sleep, yesterday I went shopping with one of my best friends. It’s been planned for weeks and there was no way I was going to cancel as I love spending time with her, and I figured I needed the distraction. She doesn’t know about Harvey, I know that makes it sound like we’re not that close but trust me we are.
I emailed Harvey before I left the house. I needed him to know how hurt and angry I was. There was also the possibility that he was so drunk he’d actually forget we’d even had a fall out.
A: Upset doesn’t even start to cover how hurt I am this morning.
I need to tell you this because if I don’t I’ll carry it around in my head and that’s dangerous.
You were not nice last night, you ruined a perfectly good day by being horrible. Whether you remember what you said, didn’t mean what you said or if you thought it was a smokescreen it doesn’t change what was behind it. That you think I’m fat. You made a complete show out of me trying to hold your arm on the way to the station, I thought that was a joke until I realised this morning it wasn’t anything to do with a smoke screen, you just didn’t want to be seen with me. Nothing would’ve sparked any drama or rumour as Jack held Emma’s arm to keep her safe. Thank you for that, it’s hurtful to know that all the times you’ve told me I look amazing, that I have nothing to worry about and that I’m hot etc was all lies. Don’t even get me started on the whole “I don’t want people to know I’ve fallen for you” bullshit because you couldn’t take that back quick enough.
At the end of the day it shouldn’t hurt me as much as it has, I think because of our friendship I didn’t think you’d ever say anything as hurtful as you have. To you, it was a throw away comment, but to me it’s the one thing that I’m sensitive about. Also the way you see me is important to me and to know that actually it’s all a load of bollocks really upsets me and makes me question my judgment. I’m your biggest supporter and I’ve only ever told you you’re wrong when you’ve commented on your own negative image of yourself.
I realised this morning after zero sleep that I’m the only one bothered by it. You’ll wake up today thinking everything is ok and nothing has changed, but it has, massively.
I already have someone in my life that makes me feel badly about myself. I don’t need another. I really thought you were different.
I went shopping and had a fab day with my friend, she commented that I didn’t seem my same bubbly self but I told her I was tired from the night before and that I was fine. It was the kick up the arse I needed so I switched on my bright happy smile and enjoyed my day. Once on the train home I checked my emails and I’d received 3 from Harvey.
H: Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
You know I’m no word smith so I thought I’d start with Sorry, please believe me I am sorry .you didn’t deserve to be treated like that it wasn’t intentional just miss judged, but it’s evident the final result was still the same, and for that I sincerely apologise.
I struggled last night to find a level of interaction that wouldn’t give the game away. I just wanted to hold you and touch you as we talked, time went no where and then it was home time.
You are beautiful sexy and highly intelligent please erase last nights comments because they had no substance other than a smokescreen from a pissed ginger short fat bastard.
I’d be honoured to be seen with you you looked amazing as you always do
how can I make it up to you?
You can kick me in the bollocks on monday if that helps……
It won’t happen again, lesson learnt at this end xxxx
Sending lots of hugs and kisses xxxxxxxx
H: For the record I am falling for you but you said it won’t end well so I retracted the words as I don’t want to lose your friendship
H: I’m an idiot and I’m at your mercy xxxxx
Enjoy shopping and don’t get too burnt xxxx
A: Thank you for the apology. It doesn’t change anything though unfortunately, I’m still really upset and hurt. A real shame. Hope you have a good weekend. See you next week when you’re back. It won’t be awkward, we’ll still be friends.
H: The Friendship is first and paramount. Please try and erase my comments, have a good weekend and see you on Wednesday.
I had a busy night planned as we were taking Joy and her friend Mary over to Dick’s sisters house as they’re staying there until Wednesday night to keep her company. Also she lives in the middle of nowhere so they can revise for the upcoming exams with no distraction of friends asking them out etc. She lives an hour away so we went across there for a late supper.
On the way back in the car it was just Dick & myself, he asked me if I was ok as I’ve been really quiet. I just told him I was tired after the night before and all the walking I’d done shopping. We had a quiet journey back listening to the radio.
I had time to process my thoughts about everything, I accept that my fling with Harvey is over. I need to get past it so we can at least keep the friendship. I know I have to accept that it’s my issue about how I see Harvey’s comments and that ultimately it seems such a trivial thing to him but for me it’s not. I’m not prepared to let it slide because I’ve done that so many times in my life, and every time you let someone do that, you give them the power to do it again. I refuse to be in the position with Harvey that I am with Dick. I’m worth more than that. I was torn between ignoring his email and replying. I need to salvage/keep/protect the friendship so I sent a simple response.
A: See you Wednesday x
H: Night night, I’m in sons room again so I should sleep and make it up for the F1, it’s recorded so 8am start tomorrow.
I did some penance today and managed 22 miles on the bike. I’m so sorry I hurt you on Friday and it’s all I’ve been thinking about I’ll be a better person for the feedback.
Night babe xxxx
It’s interesting that he’s in his sons room again. I presumed he was hiding in their the previous night to respond to me but this suggests it’s where he’s sleeping. Looks like I’m not the only one he’s in the dog house with!
H: Morning Babe, enjoy the vitamin D xxx
A: I plan to. Good race hope you enjoyed it!
Have a good Sunday xx
And that’s it. Back to being friends and forgetting the last 8 months happened all being well.