I decided to have an early night and attempt sleep, I used the headspace app on my iPhone and slowed my breathing. I stowed away all my technology and closed my eyes. Thanks to my Fitbit I can see it was successful!
I did wake a few times but I went back off and slept soundly. I’ve spent this morning reading various “thoughts of the day” and it lead my to a Facebook page called A conscious rethink.
I’ve realised I can’t share the page here as a screenshot as it shows my profile photo! #rookieerrorava – so just type it in to Facebook and you should find it.
I’ve picked some of the ones that resonated with me the most to share here.
Pictures speak a thousand words better than my brain can right now.
I’ve realised my current state of mind stems from how very little I value myself. I make out I’m this very together woman and project that image to the world that I’m strong and fearless, when in reality I’m a very damaged individual that seems to jump from one disaster to another, usually of my own making. I reread yesterday’s blog post and I seem very angry with Harvey, I’m not at all, I’m angry at myself, for feeling pathetic and upset with him for not being able to read my mind, for expecting him to understand how I needed him to be there for me. How the fuck, and more importantly, why the fuck would he? He’s not a mind reader and at the end of the day we’re friends. Not soul mates, not significant others just friends with benefits. I think I forgot that yesterday. I think in my grief and sadness at the anniversary of losing my mom all sense and reasoning went out the window. I’m so very hurt and I need someone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be ok, it’s going to get easier, but it’s not. Ultimately I’m not going to see or speak to her ever again and there’s nothing anyone can do about that, and certainly nothing some random man at work I’m shagging can do about it. I’ve probably fucked that up good and proper now, it’s a real shame. I’ll miss him, I’ll miss the sex that’s for damn sure. He will too no doubt, I think I was a nice distraction for him but after these last few days he’s probably grateful he’s out of it. No amount of great sex is worth this level of crazy!
I need to address my behaviour properly, I understand completely why I do what I do, the drinking, the impulsive need to buy things, the need for attention from Harvey, all of it. I now need to find a way to stop it, from repeating it. I think I’m more than a little fucked in the head, I really think I have a split personality, I think I detach myself from all the shit going on in and around me by being someone else. Ava is fun I’d choose her, without my original identity because she rocks, Ava is funny, sexy, ballsy & has the most fun. But my true self, shes no fun at all, but she is ultimately who I am, mother of 2 amazing kids whom I love with all my heart, wife to Dick, whom I love despite his apparent lack of love and care for me. (He doesn’t deserve me either, but it’s too late to do anything about that!). I need to bring Ava into my own life, maybe that’s the solution, I need to bring her fun, exciting, brave persona into my everyday. Who knows? It could work.
I don’t know what to do about Harvey. He made it clear in his response yesterday that the ball is firmly in my court:
H: Let’s talk next week, I’d love to continue but your in charge so I’ll follow your lead…
Try and chill this weekend and I’ll catch you on monday xxxx
From that response I read that he’ll leave me to it, he wants it to continue and he’ll speak to me next week. The dots suggest he’s not expecting to continue. There’s no pressure on me at all. I’m grateful for that.
I won’t hear from him this weekend at all, there’s no point me explaining myself or my thoughts, he won’t get it. He’s had a lucky escape is probably what he’ll think. I could email him but then I’d get pissed off that he didn’t read it, then angry that he doesn’t feel the need to check I’m ok after my epic meltdown then I’ll go full circle and remember he’s just someone that’s fucking me. He’s not invested in this relationship, it’s not a relationship it’s friends with benefits. My thought process in a nutshell right there. Like I say, lucky escape!
I’m going to see if he bothers to check in, that could be a good indicator if he’s still interested I guess. We will see. I’m going to go out, have a walk in the fresh air. It’s a beautiful day here so I’ll make the best of it. I feel a million percent better for emptying my head!