Exhausted, upset & hurt.

So much to catch up on but I just don’t have the energy. Long story short my overnight with Harvey was a partial success, but then went pear shaped. No one to blame but myself. I should never have gone. I knew that I’d be upset & out of sorts as it’s the one year anniversary of losing my mom. I foolishly thought that the distraction would be a good idea but no it was anything but. I’ve been out of sorts for weeks now and I was looking forward to this overnight so much but I think it was just masking my utter sadness.
It got off to rocky start when I spent over an hour in my room in my underwear waiting for him to arrive. In his defence he was on a teleconference but still, it wasn’t great. I put my clothes back on I was so cold/ bored.

H: Any neighbours? I’m still on TC

A: Not that I’m aware of. You, * & * have executive rooms and I have a suite! You need to head past the courtyard to the suite and I’m number 54 up a flight of stairs

H: I’m still on the phone! I’ll message before I set off

A: Ok see you later all being well.
Shall we just meet up after dinner?

H: On my way

A: Door is on the latch. I think I’m in an annex outside.

He then called me as he couldn’t find my room and arrived shortly afterwards and we had fun. A good time was had by both but I’m so utterly fucked off now I can’t even be bothered to type it up. We had to get ready for meeting the others for dinner so he went back to his room to change while I got showered & ready.
Dinner was just about bearable thanks to a vodka & lemonade I got at the bar. Everyone was seated so I ordered it knowing no one would notice or be suspicious. I was sat next to a colleague I get on with it and he did make me laugh, he was completely hammered. He’s complete inappropriate most of the time but he went too far. The waiter came round asking for our drink order and I asked for a lemonade and the waiter said do you want vodka in this one too? I replied no thank you I’m teetotal, but my colleague made some comment about me being a horrible alcoholic. I felt the need to retaliate and said I’d rather be a horrible drunk than a fat, bald ugly drunk. (I know, it was uncalled for!) I was so pissed off. Shortly after I made my excuses and was back in my room for 9.20! Harvey planned to come back so I emailed him to say please don’t arrive before 10 as I need a bath and some peace. He agreed then I realised he had a key card anyway so I told him to arrive whenever I’d either be done or still in the bath.
He arrived just as I was putting my face cream on, my hair in a towel turban and wearing a bath robe. He kissed me as he undressed as we got on with part 2 of the evenings entertainment. It was going really well, until his wife called. He said he needed to take it so I offered to put my headphones on and go in the bathroom but he got dressed and said he needed to go to his room as she had no doubt called there already and that he’d return.
I checked that Joy had returned home and checked my messages etc. My brother had sent me a massive message about how he was thinking about me and that he hoped I was ok, he reminded me that my mom was really pleased that I stopped drinking and he hoped I’d be ok as I was away with work. I replied and basically lied that I wouldn’t drink and that I was ok and back in my room and was going to sleep. I was more than a little ashamed of myself if I’m honest. I’ve become almost everything she accused me of being 30 years ago. A drug taking, alcoholic, prostitute. Well no drugs and I’m not a prostitute as I don’t charge!
Harvey returned as I was drying my hair and said he had to be back in 30 minutes as she’d probably call back. We lay on the bed and I just wasn’t feeling it, I was pissed off and for the first time since we started this I was ashamed of myself. Not just at what I was doing to Dick and Harvey’s wife, but I felt cheap. I was going to be granted 30 more minutes, well how very fucking benevolent of him. It made me really angry, I told him that I was sorry but I wasn’t feeling it and he apologised and said he’d go. I tidied the room while he got dressed and he kissed me and left. He emailed me after he left.

H: Night babe xxxxx hope you get some sleep xxxx sorry I had to leave xxxxxx

A: Night babe. Don’t apologise it is what it is. Like you say it’s not real life. I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you the happy ending you expected, it’s one thing to know that it’s not real, but it’s upsetting to think I’m capable of doing what I’m doing. I really should know better.
Sleep well, see you tomorrow xxx

H: Night babe, we’re both adults and we should both no better… I wouldn’t change a thing. I selfishly need the intimacy and your touch xxxx night night xxxx

A: Me too. I’ll take what I can get. Thanks for tonight. Sleep well xxx

I cried for about 3 hours afterwards at the sheer fucking stupidity of it all. I’m angry and ashamed of myself for so many reasons. Not only that I reacted the way I did by drinking, the fact I made it clear to Harvey how pissed off I was instead of just seeing it for what it is. He by now thinks I’m some unstable, crazy hot mess and he’s not wrong. But what’s the point, like he said that’s real life and this isn’t, the fact I realised this morning he’d left my key card meant he wasn’t coming back. We met in the corridor briefly during our meeting and we were alone and he kissed me but I was too angry/upset/pissed off to reciprocate it. He said he was sorry he didn’t realise it was my moms anniversary but that just made me more mad because I told him. I should be grateful that he just sees me as an easy fuck but I think I’d convinced myself that our friendship was important, but it seems it is only to me and that hurts way more than it should. It could have been easier but it’s not, I could’ve maybe stayed in his room and we could’ve both enjoyed more time together but that’s not what he wants, he needs to keep things separate which is his way of dealing with things, he could’ve come back this morning but he didn’t, he didn’t even think about it. I’m not important enough, our friendship doesn’t mean anything, to him it’s just sex, end of!
I emailed him when I got back.

A: I’m struggling big time. I don’t actually know what to do about it either.
I’m torn between wanting to continue what we have and calling it a day. I know at the moment I have so much in my head that I can’t think straight, I could’ve done without the interruption last night but I appreciate that’s unavoidable. That’s always going to be in the background and it shouldn’t bother me (and it doesn’t at all) it’s just the justification in my head that bothers me. I think I see these times as ‘our’ time, and yes it’s real life, but I look forward to the distraction and then there’s a distraction to the distraction and then I feel like shit! I think maybe I should’ve just not come to the away day but I was so desperate to spend some time with you that I didn’t think about it rationally. Which then makes me question why exactly I feel that way. Vicious circle.
I’m home now and going to have a bath and a damn good cry. See you next week if you’re around. Xxxxx

H: Let’s talk next week, I’d love to continue but your in charge so I’ll follow your lead…
Try and chill this weekend and I’ll catch you on monday xxxx

A: Thank you. Have a good weekend, hope you’ve sorted Mother’s Day out xxxx

I doubt I’ll hear anything now so we will see what happens Monday.

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