17th February

17th – Friday

I had a very unsettled night and couldn’t really sleep but I got everyone up and out of the house on time. I definitely overdid it again at the gym as I ached absolutely everywhere.  Got to work and the first order of the day was a call in for a bacon sandwich. This was honestly the highlight of my Friday I’m sorry to report. I’d just finished it as Harvey called me. Was a little surprised to hear from him, especially as he hadn’t emailed me beforehand, and I know he’s usually busy when he’s off.

He told me about the meal and catch up with the guys last night, I listened and engaged in the conversation where I could but I’m definitely not feeling it. I think I’ve realised that I’m enough of a distraction for him because he doesn’t have that much free time, but for me, with lots of free time on my hands, I need a bigger distraction so it’s not his fault, it’s mine. He said he discussed having a joint team thing the end of March and that would be an opportunity to do something. That’s 5 or 6 weeks away, and I’m a little disappointed that’s it’s not sooner but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get another date in the diary so we will see. He asked about my plans for the weekend so I told him what I had planned and he said he was having a quiet one. He said he’d call me later if he got chance and I said I was here until 4 so if he had chance/wanted to he knew where I was.

My day was ok, very busy so I cracked on and worked through lunch. I seem to have more and more things sent my way but it sure beats having nothing to do.

I finish early on Friday so once I was done with work, I called in for my check up with the GP. The appointment went ok, BP is still high but red cell count is improved so that’s a massive relief. No hospitalisation for me this weekend! Got home and decided to blast through the chores as I have plans both days of the weekend and wouldn’t get much chance.

Dick called from the car and as soon as I answered he was ranting about traffic and his day. I stopped him by telling him he’d gone into full rant and not even said hi, hello, how are you? I told him if he wanted someone/ something to rant at not to call me. Frankly I haven’t had the day for it. He apologised immediately and asked how my appointment went and I told him. Said I was making something simple for tea as I wanted to crack on with the chores. He said he’d have whatever I was having and that he’d help me with the chores. (Yes I did think he’d had a bang to the head!). He came home and we had tea. Just as I was letting dinner settle I logged on Facebook and was hit with a photo of my friend Vicky looking fabulous in a few mother of the bride outfits she was looking for opinions on. It hit me particularly hard because we were pregnant at the same time and her daughter Kara, was born on Amy’s actual due date. Kara’s milestones have always been Amy’s and each new one tears another hole in my heart and hits me like a tonne of bricks. I got very upset, sobbing and I’m so happy for them, of course I am, I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone, but it still hurts to think I will never be looking for mother of the bride outfits for Amy’s wedding! I take great comfort from the fact I still have two beautiful children whose weddings will bankrupt me no doubt, but it doesn’t stop me wishing I had a third! Dick asked me what was the matter and I told him. Usually he tells me not to be daft, or some equally infuriating comment that makes me feel angry, but he didn’t. He held me in his arms and let me get it out. He got a little upset too which isn’t like him at all. He said he’d never thought about walking her down the aisle, giving her away. He told me that he tries not to think about her at all as it’s too hard. He thinks by blocking the way he feels is easier but I disagreed, I wondered if his epic rage was a manifestation of all his pent up sadness about the situation, who knows? He said it’s made him think that’s for sure. After that neither of us had the motivation to do much. We grabbed a fleece blanket, cuddled up on the sofa and watched tv. Joy slept at a friends and Frank & Jayne were out so at least we got a night to ourselves with few distractions and managed a good conversation. Half way through the film Dick fell asleep. I’d commented on Vicky’s post to say she looked beautiful in them all but her first option was my favourite. She then messaged me to say sorry and that she should’ve given me a heads up, I told her not to worry and that I’m really happy for them all. She admitted she has the invite to send out but wanted to see me first as she knew it would probably upset me. I told her that she’s really thoughtful and thanked her. As luck would have it were on holiday on the date so we can’t make it anyway and I’m relieved, I don’t think I could’ve gone and shared in their joy, it would’ve been too hard! I told her we were away and I think she was relieved too, I’m struck that actually it must’ve been pretty hard for her being my friend, how easy would it have been to distance herself from my misery when she was so happy? I’ve made a date for a catch up over coffee so it’ll be good to see her and hear what they’ve been up to. I haven’t seen her since July last year, it’s shocking how easy it is to lose touch. I woke Dick up and came to bed.

Got into bed and usually Dick is straight out for the count. Tonight he cuddled up and wanted to know I was ok, I told him I’d chatted to Vicky and felt a little better. I told him I hoped I’d sleep at least. He rubbed my back in effort to relax me (this never happens btw it’s usually the other way around) and I realised he was hard. I turned round and he apologised and said it was inappropriate and I told him that actually it was probably what was needed. We kissed and had sex. It was pretty good too, we might not have sex very often but when we do it’s always good. Afterwards we had a conversation that gives me hope for the future. He said I should’ve gone to the hotel this week and he’d have joined me and tied me to the bed! I was stunned (obviously he wouldn’t have done as it was a work thing and I’d have been a bit busy with Harvey!) and it must’ve shown on my face. He said he knows I’d never allow it as I don’t like things round my wrists & ankles but he’s always wanted to! Well, well, well, it just shows that I know nothing. I told him I’d be willing to give it a go if we ever had access to a four poster but we’d need to be very careful. I then joked about him being a bit more fifty shades than I expected and has he’s not really up for sex very often it’s a surprise, he said he loves our sex life but he’s never in the mood, once he’s lost weight he hopes it comes back and that his job stresses don’t help, we always have lots of sex on holiday so it must be true.

So my day was quite the emotional roller coaster but it ended on a high and I actually slept!



4 thoughts on “17th February

  1. Made me feel good for you. I really hope Mr.Ava eventually lives up to your expectations and makes you completely happy again and enamored with him – I know it seems far fetched at this point in time, am just hoping, is all.

    Liked by 1 person

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