Losing my mind but finding myself!

In yesterdays post I said I hadn’t seen Harvey in 7 weeks. I’m an idiot because it’s only been 3 as I saw him before Christmas for a cheeky hotel hook-up. My memory is shocking. It was only as I was cleaning up my own emails that I remembered. It just feels longer.

I’m all torn up about everything. I can’t seem to get my head out of my sadness. I’m actually sick of going round and round in circles. Feeling sorry for myself, giving myself a pep talk to snap me out of it. Listening to music hoping it distracts me. It’s so tiring and if the truth be told all I need is a good fuck. That would definitely put a smile on my face. I want to be wanted, desired, paid attention to. Is that too much to ask?? Yes it is. Obviously.

I’m mad at Harvey and that’s not fair. I’ve kept him at arms length as that’s what we agreed, and he’s stuck to that, of course he has, it’s a piece of piss for him because I’m a convenient place to visit when he finds himself bored and lonely. Which is after all what this is supposed to be, so why am I mad at him??? I don’t know. I know that he doesn’t contact me as often as he did, I know he’s had opportunities to but not thought about doing it. Because I don’t cross his mind, that makes so sad I can’t think straight. What’s wrong with me?? I don’t love him or particularly want him more than I’ve said I just want the attention. I think the final straw yesterday was when we were in the same place alone and there was absolutely  nothing. It’s a shame but hopefully it means we can return to our friendship, we will see.

He’s obviously got enough on with his own stuff so I’ll leave him to it. Maybe we’ll hook up if the opportunity arises for work purposes but I’m certainly not going to send salacious emails & photos. His loss definitely, I’m not gorgeous but I’m not bad looking either, fairly fit, flexible, willing and more than up for it. Seems I need a man that appreciates that and all I have to offer.

Can I be arsed though given my current mood? Probably not, but I know I can’t be bothered trying harder at my marriage either. That ship is sailing and I will wave that off from the shore.

I’ve had Spotify on in the background and decided on the independent ladies playlist. It’s empowering, I don’t need a man. Well I do, but only part of him………………………..!

Rant over, mind emptied and moving on.

 

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