22nd – 28th December

The last few days have gone really quickly. Quite a whirlwind of activity following a shit storm of emotion & lethargy.

After the lovely afternoon with Harvey previously, I quickly realised all the excitement about that was masking how I was feeling. It really is a great distraction but it as soon as it was over and I was back in the real world I soon went downhill. Everything I had pushed out of my head came back with a vengeance, it was hard to engage with anyone really about anything. Dick was his usually unhelpful arrogant arsehole so I wasn’t in a great place at all.

22nd

Went to work and had plans with the girls to go out for coffee & cake as it was the last time I’d see Freya as she broke up today. She knew I was struggling as she’s a good friend and always knows when I’m not myself. I told her the truth that I wasn’t looking forward to Christmas and that Dick was being an utter cunt, and I really didn’t want to think about having everyone over on the day so I just wanted to wish the next few days would fast forward. She’s such a great friend, she has enough of her own shit on without listening to me waffle on about my pointless shit, I thanked her for listening and told her I felt better for getting it off my chest. I painted on my bright smile and carried on. Lunch was good, nice food in a lovely setting so we will definitely go back.

Finished work and went food shopping, got the last fresh bits we needed for Christmas dinner. Dick seemed in a better mood although he hates shopping I think he realised I was struggling so kept his mouth shut for a change.

23rd

Last working day of the year!

Got to my desk to find an enormous bouquet of flowers, a massive box of chocolates and a spa gift voucher! The team had kindly bought me and the girls a thank you gift for Christmas. I was really touched for two reasons, the first being that the girls normally get a gift but I don’t as I lead the team and secondly whereas the girls got a bottle of champagne, I got flowers as they know I can’t/don’t drink. How very thoughtful of them. We didn’t really do a great deal of work as after an hour we headed to a local restaurant for a full English breakfast, and when we returned from that after an hour we were told to go home!! I emailed Harvey before I left.

A: I’ve finished work and back on 3rd January. Hope you have a wonderful time with your family xxxxx

I needed to pick up some gifts I’d had delivered and nip to the supermarket to buy limes. I struggled though with a massive gift bag and all the shopping. Dick had told me to ring him when I needed picking up and he’d collect me.

He finished work after an hour so he’d had the whole morning to himself, he said he’d do various jobs before I got home as we needed to get the living room & kitchen sorted as we were going to have 9 people round for Christmas dinner. I walked in and the house looked like a fucking bomb had hit it. Not only had he not done a single job, he’d added to the mess by using every pot, pan,cup & utensil in the house. It’s safe to say I lost my temper and the shit hit the fan. I couldn’t believe he’d come home, made breakfast, left all that mess and spent three hours on the Xbox knowing how much needed to be done. Furious didn’t even start to cover my mood.

Apparently he lost track of time, he only planned to play one game while his breakfast settled. A similar excuse he uses all the time, it’s pathetic he’s nearly 50 for fucks sake. I went upstairs put the shopping away and cracked on with the jobs I needed to do. Too angry to speak to him, everytime I thought about how much I had to do I cried, I’m sick of doing everything all the time, it’s completely wearing and not fair. To his credit he did move all the stuff out of the kitchen that needed to go in the garage and tidied up his mess in the living room but I did everything else. I didn’t stop until 10.20pm. He ordered pizzas and asked me if I wanted any and I said no, I wasn’t hungry, which is true. I was too wound up to eat. I’d done all the upstairs at least.

24th

Spent most of today cleaning downstairs & various chores. Was quite out of sorts, kept bursting into tears and was quite overwhelmed with everything. I hadn’t slept very well so that, coupled with being wound up, wasn’t a great combination. I think Dick realised at lunchtime that I was in a bad way because he made me a sandwich and gave me 2 painkillers. He apologised for being a twat and said he doesn’t know what to do. I told him to leave me alone, I’d get through the next few days with his family but after that something needs to give and it’ll probably be me, either in a wooden box or out the door as I can’t live like this, it’s not fair. I’ve never been more unhappy. He was upset, he said he knows I’m unhappy and has put it down to the grief at losing my mom but realises that he’s not helping at all but can’t seem to help. I told him he was incapable of helping as he can’t see past his own problems and he needs to work on them and himself. We’re not a good fit anymore, there’s too much unhappiness. He actually broke down and told me he does love me and can’t imagine not having me in his life, he knows how lucky he is but can’t seem to shake off from being angry all the time, he doesn’t know where it comes from or how to stop. I told him he needs to find out before he loses everything. We had booked to go out to Christmas Eve dinner with his family as usual. I didn’t want to go at all but I told him I’d go as I didn’t want my kids to suspect anything. As I pulled into the car park I burst into tears, I couldn’t help it. All I could think of was how this family had been my life for 25 years and this is the last Christmas I’d have with them. I thought about my brother, how I should’ve spent it with him, he needs me more than these people do. Dick asked me what was the matter, luckily Joy had travelled in Frank’s car so I told him Christmas was just too hard, I should’ve spent it with my family. He gave me a hug and said he’d drive me there now if I wanted. And I know he would, because he does care about me. Despite all his faults & complete disregard for my feelings the majority of the time, he does genuinely love me, just not in the way that I want him to.

I pulled myself together and went into the ladies to sort my face out before I joined everyone. There were 18 of us and it was good to see them all, food was lovely and it was a good night. My SIL pulled me to one side as we were leaving and gave me a big hug and said she’d noticed I’d been crying and hoped I was ok. I told her I missed my mom and that I was struggling, which is the truth, I am. She gave me another hug and told me she loved me. I will miss this family massively.

We got home and once everyone was in bed I wrapped the last few presents I’d stashed away then had a shower before bed.

I received an email from Harvey.

H: Hello, merry christmas, oh how I wish I was with you now xxxxx have a good day tomorrow xxxx xxxxxx

A: I’ve just got out of the shower, you could’ve joined me then dried me!
Merry Christmas have a good time xxxxxxxx

It was nice to be thought of and unexpected as I presumed there’d be no contact.

25th

Joy got up at 6.45 as she was off to walk grandmas dog with her aunt. Up washed & dressed she set off without opening her presents as she said she wanted to do it later. When did my baby get so grown up?  I pottered about preparing the veg for today’s feast so when she came back we sat down & opened our gifts.

H: That would be nice, I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t make you wet though xxxxxx

A: Something to look forward to next year………!

H: Seasonal greetings to you, I’m wishing the same, hope you have a fab day xxxx

A: Big hugs babe. Have an amazing day surrounded by your family.
Thanks for thinking of me xxxxxx

H: Thanks for the hugs, sending hugs back with big kisses xxxxxxx

A: Xxxxxxx

A reasonably ok morning surrounded by my family. Everyone arrived at 1pm for dinner at 2. It went well, apart from the fact I burnt the parsnips, but not bad considering I did a four course meal for 9 people from scratch with no help whatsoever!! Everyone appreciated it and said they’d enjoyed it so job well done as far as I was concerned.

We ended up with 3 of them sleeping over which wasn’t in the plan, so my idea of busy day with everyone gone by 6 hit the fan. I don’t cope well at Christmas and this wasn’t a good idea given that I’d had no sleep the night before and no break from people all day. At 11pm I made my excuses and went to bed.

26th

Another busy day. Today I was supposed to be resting as I’d seriously overdone it yesterday, I was absolutely exhausted and I ached all over. Dick decided to make everyone a cooked breakfast but burnt his hand quite badly cooking eggs so I took over and finished that. I then cleared everything away, washed up and didn’t really rest at all until our visitors finally left at 2pm thank god. In absolute agony with my back I went to run the bath and enjoy some peace and quiet.

H: Did you survive? I had a sober one as I ended up driving, the Mrs got absolutely wankered and fell out with the future daughter inlaw, happy days xxxxxx
Woke up hard as hell thinking about you xxxxx

A: I survived, just! Everyone’s plans changed so instead of my nice peaceful evening after cooking everyone’s dinner like I wanted, They stayed here. They left an hour ago so I’m going to go soak for an hour and forget the last two days happened.
Sounds like you had an eventful day! Well done on staying sober, I almost fell off the wagon but decided I like living!!!
Glad you think of me and I still have the ability to get you hard.
Wish you were here you wash my back!!
Xxxxxxxxxx

I spent the remainder of the day resting. It’s upsetting how quickly my energy get depleted now so I made the best of being at home and resting. Dick laid on the sofa and had his hand in water for 10 hours, in retrospect he should’ve gone to a&e, he’s burnt a massive part of the inside of his hand. We didn’t really speak much we had nothing to say to each other.

27th

I had a lie in, in fact I stayed in bed until 12.15. I have no idea if Dick even came to bed. I took 2 sleeping tablets before I came to bed because I couldn’t face another night of no sleep and my mind working overtime.

Joy had stayed at her friends so I had no reason to be on alert. I did feel better for getting some sleep. I got up and made some toast & coffee and Dick was on his Xbox. Joy came back to get showered as we were visiting friends at 4pm for tea. We had a good night catching up and playing pictionary, we do an amazing job of pretending we’re a happy family. I think the fact I actually slept meant I could function better!! Got home about 10 and went straight to bed.

28th

Another quiet day, in fact I didn’t even get dressed. I had a wash and put pjs on. I cleaned the lounge and the kitchen, stripped Franks bed, did 3 loads of washing & drying and hand washed all the glasses & pans that had sat on the side since Christmas Day. Dick said he’d do it but as he still can’t use his hand I figured I’d better do it myself finally. Thank god I had at least rinsed them.

A: Hope you’re ok and surviving the nightmare that is between Christmas & new year. I’d like nothing more than to spend it in bed and hide from the world. Struggling a little but I plan to get out and get some fresh air later.
Hope all is good with you & yours xxxxxx

Dick spent 14 hours on his Xbox deep joy. He broke off briefly to go get fish & chips and watch suicide squad with me & Joy.

H: Struggling here as well, I’ve escaped to the gym I’m just about to hit the xtrainer for a few minutes then a swim, wish I was working up a sweat with you xxxxxx

A: Sorry to hear you’re struggling too, glad you have an outlet in the gym.
Wish I lived nearer that way we could sneak off somewhere and have a workout of our own. One way to work off the tension!!
Thoughts of you later will help. Enjoy the exercise and the swim xxxxxx

H: Xxxxx

A: Thanks for the kisses. I look forward to cashing them in next year xxxxx

Had a bath, did my nails & went to bed. Can’t sleep though so typed up the last few days. Going to press publish on this and hope I sleep.

Night all!

 

 

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