19th/20th November

Dick was shattered after a week of early starts and such a late night so he planned a lie in. We had a very busy weekend planned so it seemed a good idea for him to get some rest before all that. I had said I wanted to leave the house for 12.00 so I could be at the hotel for 2pm and meet my brothers. All agreed the night before so I left him in bed until 10.30 as he needed a shower, shave etc. I wished I’d left him there in retrospect because he was just completely vile the entire weekend. He got up and had a shower but decided he’d have a shave at the hotel. We needed to fuel the car before we set off so as we pulled into the garage he said he’d be glad when I’d passed my test as he wouldn’t have to deal with this shit! Nice, this shit being a 30th birthday party for a member of his family and my mom’s memorial service. That comment set the scene for the whole weekend. We got on the motorway and 5 minutes down the road we lost all power in the car and no acceleration. He thought maybe the petrol station had an issue with the fuel and he checked his receipt that he had in fact put the correct fuel in. The engine management warning light came on so I told him to come off at the next junction to see if switching it off and on made a difference, it’s possible that there was an issue with the fuel pump and now it’s got through the system it would be fine. No, he knows best and decided to ask me what the fuck I know about cars. Bearing in mind Joy is sat in the back seat I took great exception to his tone and refused to speak to him the rest of the journey.

Received an email from Harvey.

H: Laughing xxxxx are you at the match? I had a ticket and had to give it up 😩😩😩 I’m watching it on Sky instead xxxxxxx

A: What a shame. No I’m going home this weekend but there in a fortnight for the next home game xxxxx
Enjoy xxxxxx

We got off the motorway after an hour of him cursing that he had no power and couldn’t overtake ‘idiots on the road that can’t drive’ and my earlier suggestion of switch the power off had made its way to his brain as he did that, the car reset itself and it was fine for the next hour to our destination. We checked in and I suggested he stay in the room and have a nap as he was complaining he was tired, he said no he’d meet my brothers. We had a good catch up with them, my sister-in-law and nephew. Once they left we went back to the room to get ready for the party. Dick fell asleep on the bed immediately, so Joy & I got showered, make up on etc. I tried to wake him to get ready but he was so grumpy I wished I’d have just left him there. He finally roused himself but didn’t leave enough time to shave so he went looking rather rough and unkempt.

Evening was ok, but very long as it started at 6.30. Dick’s mum isn’t in the greatest of health and was up way past her usual bedtime. They were staying with the party hosts so couldn’t leave until they did, Dick wouldn’t leave until his mum was sorted so we were stuck there too. At one point I got so fucked off waiting I tried to book them into a hotel but there was no availability. Other than that issue the night was ok, lots of dancing & singing. Joy was a massive hit on the karaoke so she had a great time. 6 hours after arriving at the venue we finally got back to the hotel. We all settled down fairly quickly as we were all knackered!

20th

I didn’t sleep particularly well but at least I rested. I left Joy & Dick to sleep in while I read my book. Joy woke first and whilst singing in the shower woke up the sleeping bear. He finally dragged himself up had a quick wash and we went for breakfast. When we returned he had a shower while I packed up, when he left the shower he still hadn’t shaved! In the great scheme of things not a world ending event, but bearing in mind it was my moms memorial in 7 hours, it was really disappointing that he couldn’t even be bothered to make the effort for that. Got an email from Harvey.

H: Of course, you did say, hope today is going ok and everyone is playing nicelyxxxxx thinking of you xxxxxx

A: Thank you, appreciate the thought xxxx
Hope you’re coping ok xxxxx

We visited my dad and I spent some time with him and my brothers. All my family are musical with the exception of me, I love to sing but I’m shit at it. My brother showed us his new guitar and Joy sang along with him, so beautiful. My dad has a 16 track recording studio and asked if he could record them. They did an amazing job of Beneath your beautiful by Labrinth & Emile Sande I wish I could post them here but it kind of blows my anonymity so here’s the original;

Beneath your beautiful

Even Dick had to admit it was a great song. From there we went to my brothers, we planned to go out to eat before the service so we had a catch up beforehand, talking about our mom, stories about our childhood. We’re closer now than ever, he’s well respected and liked by everyone that knows him. We went to eat at a new restaurant that he goes to frequently and it was lovely, great food, pleasant staff and reasonable price too.

We then went to the church, it was such a beautiful service, I met some family I wasn’t expecting to see too. I lit candles with my family and I got upset. Dick held my hand like he’s programmed to, it didn’t feel sincere at all.

My relationship with my mom was difficult for many reasons. I’m still not ready to try and get my head round that. She was very loved by so many, not just us. I miss her so much, even though most times I spoke to her I ended up angry or exasperated at her. She made me the strong minded, independent thinking woman I am today. Without her telling me every day I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough or clever enough, she pushed me, and not in a good way. But I’m grateful to her because I think if she hadn’t I wouldn’t be the person I am today. But it’s taken me 30 years to realise that I am all the things she said I wasn’t and I’m so angry at her. Why wasn’t I enough? Why has she gone without making this right? I’m questioning every decision I’ve ever made. I married Dick at 19, yes I loved him and he treated me (still does some days) appallingly, but I stuck at it as much as I could because I couldn’t add failed at marriage to my list of things I’m not good enough at. My kids are spoiled, they want for nothing, especially love. They don’t know how lucky they are and I hope they never have to find out. And I’m left with all this anger and bitterness at her that I didn’t even realise I felt until that service or until I typed it just. I can’t stop crying and it’s ridiculous, I’m crying over something I can’t do anything about, it’s unrecoverable and I can’t fix it. Maybe typing it here, getting it off my chest will help. I hope so because my head is a very dark place right now.

Anyway, the service ended and we drove home. My head was splitting so I closed my eyes and tuned out the world. Joy listened to her music and Dick sang along. We came home and I climbed into bed.

A long, mixed weekend. I’m glad it’s over.

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