4th November

Woke up very early but at least I had some sleep. Had a dream about my mom which upset me terribly. It was going to be such a difficult day already without the lack of sleep. Got up washed, dressed etc and packed what I needed for our spa day. Dick had booked us a spa day with 3 treatments and as our treatment time wasn’t until 3.30 we decided last night that we would go shopping first then head to the spa.

I had several messages from friends to say they were thinking of me today, it makes me realise that I’m so very lucky really, I have wonderful people in my life that care about me. I emailed Harvey as he knew I was going to be incommunicado all day so I just wanted him to know I was thinking of him.

A: You are a reason to smile today. Thanks for the laughs xxxxxxxxxx

H: Your the reason I’m hard right now! Thanks for the wank xxxxxxxxxxx

A: Xxxxxxx

We dropped Joy off at school and decided to have breakfast at a local pub so that rush hour traffic could die down, plus it would set us up for the day.

Walked in, sat down and ordered food. Music on in the background and the song playing is the one I chose for my moms funeral. I burst into tears with no warning and went off to the ladies to compose myself and sort my face out. Luckily the place was deserted so I wasn’t too much of a spectacle. When I came back Dick had got me some juice and a coffee. We chatted about how difficult this day is, every year we do something but it never gets easier. He held my hand and said it was ok, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t let it get to me. We spoke about our beliefs, I told him the thing that upset me about the dream last night was that my mom was holding our daughter and she was a baby. He doesn’t believe in anything like that, as far as he’s concerned you die and that’s the end. We’ve always agreed to disagree on this because it’s very personal. It’s interesting though that he doesn’t believe in god or religion but was insistent that our children were baptised. I pulled myself together and our food arrived. Wasn’t really hungry but I did my best. We’ve both agreed that after this weekend we’re both back on it. I can’t believe how well I was doing and how far back I’ve let myself go, and he said the same. I said we can help support each other but the past few months have made that difficult. I told him I didn’t want to have serious conversation today of all days but we both know harder than most that life is too short to be miserable. We can’t go on the way we are. He said but we’re fine aren’t we? I told him we’re not fine at all, I’m not prepared to carry on being this unhappy. He looked really shocked which surprised me, I told him I don’t want to spoil today, we need to maybe try really hard, one last push to see if we can do this but to be honest while we do it. No back biting, bitchy comments, we need to be really honest and look at what works and what doesn’t. I don’t want to lose him and that’s the truth, I don’t. I love him, I probably always will, but I don’t like him very much and if he’s honest he doesn’t like me either. I said we could talk about it another day but we needed to get through today first. He helped me into my coat and told me he loved me, I told him I loved him too. We paid the bill and set off. In the car he commented on my new coat and that it looked like a flasher mac, told him that’s the reason I bought it and laughed. I didn’t feel the need to tell him why I bought it but thinking about the woman in m&s made me smile and reminded me something Harvey said yesterday. Apparently he saw his mum looking all glam and when he commented she told him she was off to her monthly meeting of friends at the hotel we went to a few weeks ago. Looks like that ones now off the list lol!

We had a lovely day, pottered around and got several ideas for Christmas. He bought himself a coat and I bought a bottle of perfume from Estée Lauder just so I could buy the massive make up gift with purchase. He offered to buy it for me for Christmas but I said we agreed we’re not doing Christmas this year, but apparently we are now. The mans a nightmare and very difficult to shop for, so luckily I got a few ideas while we were out. Time ticked on so we headed for the spa.

Spa was amazing, straight in the jacuzzi for a bit, sauna & steam room too. Then we got settled and read for a bit as we dried off. Got a little peckish so we went to the restaurant in our robes and slippers and he said he didn’t care that he looked ridiculous! Had soup as we were booked into a restaurant on the way home so didn’t really want anything heavy especially as an hour later we’d be having our treatments. I took a couple of paracetamol with my drink as my headache had returned. He commented that I was getting through too many of those lately and had I told the GP about it. He asked me how I was getting on. He told me he doesn’t ask me anymore as I get defensive. He said he knew I’d painted a rosier picture than what was actually going on while we were away so I told him the truth, it’s not great but I’m stable. The pernicious anaemia means it’s a viscious circle of tiredness and no energy, the liver function isn’t great either but luckily as I’m so anaemic you can’t tell how yellow I’d be, the kidney function is managing but won’t get better. The main problem is the blood pressure, that’s the biggest cause for concern as coupled with the low blood count I’m at risk of stroke. He looked absolutely horrified! I told him I’m ok, it’s all completely being managed and he wasn’t to worry. He said he was really sorry he didn’t know how bad I was and that when he asked me on holiday I brushed over it like it was nothing. He asked me what he can do to help, I told him just getting everyone to do their share of the chores would be a massive help. I told him I have zero patience as I’m so tired so that’s why I fly off the handle so quickly. If he could help me with the kids (i.e. Back me up when they don’t do as they’re asked) and support me that would be amazing too. It’ll all help to keep this together. He said he will help and he’ll speak to the kids.

We went back to chill in the spa until it was time for our treatments. The place is amazing, we went to the relaxation room where they have warm tiled beds:


Similar to these but in a low lit room with soothing sounds. Completely tranquil, we were called through to a joint room as we were having our treatments at the same time. Firstly we had a 55 minute complete body massage, followed by a calming facial finishing with an energising scalp massage. 1 hour and 45 minutes of total bliss. Well worth it. Considering I hate people touching me, I did ok, it wasn’t intrusive. Went back to the relaxation room for half an hour for all the oils to absorb. Went back to use the steam room and sauna before we showered and set off back for our dinner reservation.

Dinner was good too, went to an Indian we haven’t been to for a while as it’s out of the way but it’s on the way home from where the spa was. Had a pleasant evening with lovely food but felt really scruffy as I was wearing jeans, my hair was down but I had no make up on. Because the universe hates me it decided that it was only fair I bump into some friends as we were leaving! They were just arriving as we left so luckily it wasn’t the prolonged agony it could’ve been. Dick commented in the car that for someone who makes out they don’t give a fuck what people think, I worry far too much about my appearance. Needlessly it seems as according to him I look fine, I don’t look as ill as I think I do and I don’t need make up. He also reckons I don’t look my age but I told him he’s full of shit! I reminded him that he didn’t say that on holiday when the “Adam Levine looking mother fucker” complimented me and he said that’s because he’s a jealous knobhead That’s quite a big confession from him. Got home and changed into my pjs and caught up with the kids about their day. They’d both been to a local firework display together. Frank had decided to go as Joy was planning on going to meet her friends there on her own on the bus. That bloody child of mine has no fear, he told her he’d take her there then go off with his girlfriend and bring her home. I love him so much, he’s such a good big brother. She told me she was grateful as she didn’t want to go on her own but her friends had arranged to meet there. We talked about our day and spoke about how it made a change to just do something on our own. They seemed to understand and weren’t bothered that we went alone. Frank gave Dick a hard time for enjoying his facial! I was shattered and so stuffed from dinner that I went to bed.

As soon as I got into bed I started crying. I’d had a fantastic day with Dick, I’d been completely distracted, but now alone with my own thoughts I couldn’t help but focus on how unfair it is that she’s not here, how amazing it would be to have spent the day with her. I don’t think it’ll ever get easier.




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