3rd November

Had a massive 6 hours sleep! Think clearing the air with Harvey meant I’d got less shit swirling round my brain. I emailed him.

A: 6 hours sleep!! It’s amazing I’m almost human! Thanks for the online chat last night it certainly helped. Have a good day 😘😘 xx

Work was going to be busier than usual today as we had one of the very senior managers coming to talk to us about what the future holds. I had to get all my work done as I was going to be off the next day & I needed to coach my colleague in preparation for her interview. Got to work and cracked on.

H: Will do, catch you later xxxxx

A: Have a good day xxx

He called so we had a catch up about things on both sides and had a chat about his email issues that I’m trying to sort. He told me that he’s looking forward to seeing me at the away day and how he’s backed off from the filth out of respect of what I’m facing this week. He asked me to feedback about how the senior manager chat went. Shortly after we had the meeting I sent him the update.

A: He was ok, there’s no news on who, what or where ATM about the reorg, more to follow.
xxxxxxxx
Thanks for the catch up this morning too, appreciate it and our friendship xxxxx

H: I’m driving for the next hour, give me a call if you fancy a chat xxxxx

I had a room booked to do interview prep so I called him and we had another chat. He said he had an issue at the hospital he needed to sort urgently so we talked about that and then we chatted about Steves impromptu visit, we talked about jealousy and other traits that we don’t need to worry about. I can’t remember how but I made a throw away comment about my men saying ones good, twos a bonus! I completely meant him and Dick but I wasn’t sure if he thought I meant him & Steve, he was quiet but I didn’t know if that was because of signal issues or if he was a little upset by it. The conversation seemed to end at that point so we said our goodbyes. After I put the phone down I did my usual overthink of things so I sent him an email for clarification.

A: Not that any is needed but you know I meant Dick & you when I said ones good, twos a bonus? Not got any plans to change that, fun with you only, while it lasts then we’ll go back to being friends.
You do make me laugh and definitely distract me.
Hope you get sorted this afternoon without too much fire fighting.
Xxxxxxxxxxx

H: No clarification needed, if you had said three ……

A: Definitely not 3. How’s the fire fighting? Xxx

I did the prep for Freya’s interview and met my friend after work.

I’ve been friends with Gina for 8 years. We don’t see each other as much as we’d like as we both have very busy lives but it’s a beautiful friendship. We care about each other enormously and I tell her everything usually. I didn’t tell her about Harvey, I couldn’t. I know she’d be worried for a start, she wouldn’t condemn me or think badly of me either as she’s a wonderful friend, she would let me get it out of my system and just be there for me. But I couldn’t tell her, I think that’s because I’ve realised I’m utterly ashamed of myself. With Steve & Tom it was different because I wasn’t with Dick. We had effectively separated although we still lived together we weren’t ‘together’ as such and we certainly wasn’t sleeping together. I think I’m justifying it in my head because of how things are, how broken my marriage is. I know it’s wrong, I should have backed off and ended all contact as soon as his wife was ill and admitted to hospital, especially when she was so very seriously ill. But I didn’t, I let it continue. But selfishly I don’t want it to end yet. It’s a distraction that’s very much needed from all the shit I have going on and I think it’s the same for him. It’s still a great friendship, we’re honest about that. I care about him and I’m sure he cares about me too, it’s not romantic, it’s very much driven by lust. It’ll never be a love affair but it’s an affair none the less. I still feel when it ends we will go back to being friends with little or no problems.

Came home and checked my email.

H: lol not great due to what happened! I’ve used my mediation skills and everything is ok, hope you sleep well xxxxxx I’m at home now xxxxx

A: Oh that’s not good. Glad you’re a good mediator- UN level skills right there. Just about to have a bath not long got in myself xxxx

H: Night babe, I’m still being sensitive xxxxx normal filth will resume next week xxxxx

A: Look forward to it you filthy animal 😂
Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me xxxxx
Night babe sleep well xxxx

I went to bed and Dick came up at the same time. We planned what time we needed to get up as we were going to the spa the next day to commemorate our lost daughter. We’ve done various things with little success over the years, this year it’s just the two of us going. We will see how it goes, I’m determined that it’s a nice day.

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