1st November

Received an email from Harvey early hours in response to my blog post.

H: Tomorrow will be a better day…. we will chat xxxxxx night night xxxxxxx

A: Thank you I’m sure it will.
No call necessary I’m fine, just emptying my head. You have enough of your own shit going on without listening to me. The blog works well so that once I’ve got it out I’m fine.
Thanks for the offer though appreciate it greatly.
Hope you have a good day xxxx

I couldn’t work out if his email pissed me off because I was that way out and because of that I couldn’t work out if his email was just his way of saying I’ll call you tomorrow or whether there was a presumption that all I needed was a call from him to make me feel better. That’s the problem with non verbal communication, it’s can be taken in several ways. Decided my response of “I’m fine no conversation needed” would free him from any burning need to check I was ok. In hindsight it was a little selfish as he may have wanted to talk to me about his situation and I had effectively stopped that.

Dick was still on early so he left for work way before Joy, Frank & Jayne were up. We all got ready and left the house together. I got to work and cracked on with my mind numbing but terribly important spreadsheets of shite. Not very interesting and hard to get excited about.

Remembered I’d sent Harvey that photo the other day and guessed he hadn’t deleted it so I thought I’d go in and delete his sent and received as usual. Made sure everything was gone including the trash folder when I realised I’d deleted an email he hadn’t replied to from yesterday regarding the Christmas meal, I wasn’t sure if he’d read it or not in my haste to clear it. I sent him an email.

A: Went in and cleared your inbox & sent items. Realised you rarely see anything other than the latest email. Not sure if you saw the one yesterday about Christmas team event is a lunch rather than dinner. Not sure how that affects your plans. I’ll be staying over anyway as I plan to take the Friday off to shop.
Hope things are good with you xxx

Still out of sorts, my mood wasn’t improved as the day wore on. Reception called me to say I had a visitor and gave me his name, I was really surprised to hear that Steve (my first relationship from when my marriage imploded!) was passing by and had popped in. He’s still quite good friends with my dad so it was good to see him. He’s quite the charmer and hasn’t really changed. Told me I look amazing etc etc. Misses me, would take me out if I’d let him. Told him no, it wouldn’t end well and that I was still married to Dick. He told me that my dad had said that something is wrong and that I’m not the same since I lost my mom. I said that’s true, I have no time for bullshit. He laughed, we chatted about our lives and our kids etc and it was really good to see him. Told me if I changed my mind to give him a call. Told him I wouldn’t but hoped he found someone to make him smile. Got back to my desk and  my colleague Nigel asked for a catch up so he could fill me in with his update about Harvey. In hindsight I should’ve made an excuse as I’d just come back from coffee but Nigel and I are good friends and he wanted to see how I was too. He told me about his family & holiday and I did the same. Our kids are similar ages so it’s always good to hear what they’re up to. The conversation turned to his catch up with Harvey & his wife. He’d gone to meet him for coffee and had seen her too, he told me how they both looked and that he was obvious just how much Harvey loved her, and for all his moans & groans generally he’s completely besotted with her and that surprised him. She seemed in good spirits and really had only praise for him and how great he’d been since all this and that she had to beg to get him to take a break. What a guy. I said all the right things I think about how it’s times like this you realise just who your real friends are how tough relationships can be but when the chips are down that’s when it counts. I know for damn sure Dick would’ve been back at work by now, probably after 3 days if I’m honest. Oh he’d make sure I had the best care money could buy but it wouldn’t be him doing the actual caring. It did upset me I’m not going to lie. Not because I’m jealous or I want him for myself, just the fact he’s doing that for her when I know I don’t have that with Dick. And I’m feeling guilty that she has this amazing husband who would do anything for her and she has absolutely no fucking idea what is going on. I think it’s a nice distraction for him while this goes on and she’s in the hospital but things will change dramatically when she finally comes home. I certainly won’t be bothering to find a replacement for him when that happens, seeing Steve today made me realise how little I value myself. I stayed with him far longer than I should’ve done in retrospect. Although I told him and made it clear that it was just for fun, I wasn’t looking for anything serious after my marriage imploded, he still wanted more than I was prepared to give. He was so well timed and perfect at that moment in time. I’d gone from being with a very controlling husband who told me I was fat, ugly, stupid and unlovable. He never wanted to have sex with me then either so my self esteem was on the floor. Steve made me realise that it was all bollocks. He told me I was perfect, beautiful, witty, intelligent, sexy and charming! All true apart from beautiful, I’m not ugly that’s for sure, but I’m quite plain but I don’t mind that. He was a lovely person but I wasn’t the answer to his problem and we had to call it a day. I will always be grateful to him, I’m a different person now to the one that met him originally and he was the catalyst that changed it, changed me. Unfortunately though it means I can never go back, certainly not to him. I’ve made my life with Dick and this is where I’ll stay until he decides what the fuck he’s doing.

Came home, cooked tea, did my nails for the art challenge & generally chilled listening to music once Dick went to bed. We’ve barely said 12 words to each other again and he went to bed as Joy came home so I’ve had a peaceful evening. Just as I was clearing all my nail stuff away I received an email.

H: Evening, I did see it and if I can make it I might do the same, what date is it?
How’s you?
Xxxxx

A: It’s Thursday the 8th at 1pm – at least it would mean you didn’t have to stay but obviously it’ll depend on sorting out wife care so see what happens nearer the time.
I’m fine thanks, hope wife is doing better now she’s moved xxxx

H: Night babe catch you tomorrow, just got to bed and struggling to keep my eyes open xxxxhope you sleep half as well as me xxxx

A: No worries, sleep well xx

At least I’m thankful he’s not desperate to speak to me and engage me in conversation. He couldn’t be more different to Steve. I don’t have to worry about him falling for me and having to have difficult conversations.  I think he’s realised there’s limited opportunities to get together and the less conversation we have, the sooner it’ll be over. There’s no sex talk now either, that makes me really sad. He’s obviously worn out and exhausted or maybe he’s bored. Who knows. I need my bed. Tomorrow is another day, with hopefully no surprises!

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