28th October

I managed 4 hours sleep again so not too bad. Lots of excitement today as it’s Joy’s birthday. She slept in until 9.15 I did consider waking her but if you’ve got a teenage drama queen diva you’ll know that’s never a good idea! I’d posted a collage of photos of her on Facebook to wish her a happy birthday. I suddenly receive loads of notifications of people liking & commenting. I realised she was awake as she was replying to everyone’s comments. I went into her bedroom to wish her a happy birthday as Dick decided to make breakfast. We cuddled in bed while she showed me the various photos her friends had posted and it was so nice to just chill & laugh. Shows she’s growing up though as she wasn’t bothered for getting up and opening her presents, she said just replying to everyone’s comments was more important!

We had breakfast as she opened her cards & gifts, she appreciated them all. We got big hugs from her and she said she knows how lucky she is. She breaks my heart. We had various visitors through the morning until it was time to get ready and go pick up her friends to go to the cinema. Dick took her and 3 of her friends while I travelled in Frank’s car with his girlfriend and 2 more of Joy’s friends. They went to see the girl on the train while Dick & I watched Dr. Strange. Frank & Jayne decided they’d just come back for us as they didn’t fancy the cinema. They joined us later as we went to eat, everyone enjoyed themselves especially Joy which all I wanted really. I got an email from Harvey while I was out.

H: How is the party going? Kiss kiss kiss have a great weekend catch up on Monday chat

A: It’s going well.
I’ll be alone some of tomorrow if you want to chat still xxx

H: That would be nice xxxxx

A: I’ll let you know when I can talk xx Such a long day! How’s things with you? Seems ages since we had a proper catch up. I hope you’re ok xxxxx

H: Yes I’m fine, just leaving the hospital now, they have transferred wife to the other hospital, it’s a shit hole but the staff are excellent.
Catch up tomorrow kiss kiss kiss

A: Glad she’s being taken care of its just a shame it’s farther away for you and means she won’t have as many visitors.
Hope you’re taking care of yourself and you’re coping ok xxxx

Got home and felt really out of sorts. In one week it’ll be 23 years since we lost our daughter and it always hits me like a tonne of bricks. I get through Joy’s birthday and then I’ve nothing to focus on other than the big empty hole. I’m so very blessed to have my children, I don’t take it for granted and I thank god every day for them. It still kills me though that I have one missing. They get me through this dark period, as does Dick. He picked up on the fact I was quiet when we got back. He gave me a hug in the kitchen and thanked me for making Joy’s birthday amazing as usual. He said he’d have no clue and just goes with whatever I plan which is the best bet, he joked that he just hands over his wallet, which is bullshit as it comes out of our joint account, but it made me laugh. He told me to think about only good things and not dwell on what we don’t have. He knows how hard this week is for me, as it’s hard for him too.

I’m going to try to stay positive and focus on what I have but it’s not easy when my subconscious doesn’t want to play that game. However hard I try I know part of me is missing and no amount of positive thinking will change that.

I’m worried that I won’t cope, that the darkness will take hold again and I won’t come back. I’ve felt it the entire time we’ve been away and had to fight it, even Tuesday when I went for that long walk by myself I contemplated walking into the sea and not looking back. I’m sat here typing this with tears rolling down my face feeling like such a fucking failure because I can’t get a grip, and only the thought of my kids coping with the aftermath of my actions stopped me from doing it. I’m still coming to terms with losing my own mother and I wouldn’t wish the way I feel about that on anyone, especially the two people in the world that I promised to protect, love and cherish forever.

I will be ok, I just need to remember that I have two beautiful young adults that love and need me. I need to get through this week starting now. Deep breath and headspace app will definitely be needed I feel.

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