20th October

Ok I may have lied about the hotel being great, it would appear we’ve booked a suite with possibly the most uncomfortable bed in the whole of Christendom! Fucking hell its like sleeping on a board! It’s a massive super kingsize which is why we booked this room. It’s what we have at home so god forbid Dick should actually have to be within touching distance of me on holiday.  It’s also quite noisy but I’ll adjust and to be honest I’ve been in much worse. I gave up at 3am and sat on the lovely sofa. The suite sounds lovely but to be honest it’s just a bigger room, it’s all one big space with armchairs, sofa tv, desk, bed, wardrobes & tea making facilities with a nice balcony. But other than the rock hard bed it’s ok. I logged on and saw 2 emails from Harvey.

H: Indeed I did, hope you get the sunshine and vitamin D, and all is well with you and yours xxxxx

And then 2 hours later:

H: Fuck me I am an idiot, why didn’t I get a room in that hotel…… next time I will xxxxx

A: I will fuck you any time babe! You’re not an idiot at all. We’re both trying to do the right thing by not taking risks and leaving an audit trail.
That being said though there must be a way round it.
I’d love nothing more than to be on my back on that hotel bed and have my legs over your shoulders whilst you fuck me…………..

We got up and went to breakfast. Food is amazing at this hotel so I need to make sure I don’t overdo it!  Went for a walk to check out the beach & shops as the weather is really crap! Cloudy, overcast & windy. It’s supposed to get better from tomorrow so I praying for that!

Got back and had lunch and I was completely exhausted. Frank told me I looked tired. He said mum go and have a nap. I told him I hadn’t come all this way to sleep but he made a very good point that if I didn’t get some sleep I’d be too tired to enjoy myself! Dick then told me I looked shattered and said even if you don’t sleep you’ll at least be resting and it made sense. I agreed and asked Dick to come and get me at 3.30. He came back at 4.15 and I’d had 2 solid hours of sleep. I’m glad he came back though otherwise I’d have just slept through!!

He’d been with the kids playing cards in the bar and said it had gone well, they were now coming up to change & have a rest before tea. He said Joy had asked him directly how ill is mum? He said he was as honest as he could be as he really doesn’t know as I never tell him anything. So he’s now asked me exactly what’s going on. I told him the truth, that I’m still being treated for pernicious anemia and it takes time, I have sky high blood pressure which the medication doesn’t seem to help, I have chronic kidney disease which isn’t ever going to get better and a liver function that George Best would’ve been proud of. He told me that I shouldn’t joke about it and I told him if I didn’t laugh I’d cry and that wouldn’t help anyone. I know I’m ill but it doesn’t define me, none of those are life threatening currently and until that changes I will make the very best of the situation. He told me he feels very guilty for many things about our past but he knows he’ll never forgive himself for being the reason I started drinking again. This was a surprise to me, he never talks so openly about his feelings so we sat there and had a really honest chat. He told me he loves me, he knows he’s difficult to live with but would do anything for me. I told him that I love him too and we’ve been through so much as a couple I really don’t know how we’ve survived. I still don’t think we will if I’m honest and I told him that too. Yes it’s good that we’re talking now, but as soon as we go home the guards will go back up as the usual pressures will return. He said he’d try & I said we’ll see. He asked me what has changed recently as I seem very distracted and it was only when Joy asked him about me being ill he’d actually thought it might be because I was seriously ill and not told him. I told him I’d just had enough of the fighting & carrying on and that I just keep to myself. We then got into the subject of sex and that photo I sent him of the underwear from online. He said he knows that it’s a problem but he can’t seem to be bothered having sex, he still finds me very attractive it’s not me. I told him that he needs to see a doctor as maybe he’s depressed. Sex was a massive part of our relationship, well it was for me, and although I’ll live without it (yeah right, thank god for Harvey!) it needs sorting. Most blokes would be grateful for a woman that doesn’t just lie there like a sack of spuds and actually takes part & enjoys it. When we do get together it’s always good, everything works so I don’t see how you wouldn’t want to do that. I asked him if I bored him, if there was anything I could do to make him want to have sex more, positions, underwear, role play – I even threw in the anal option to see what he thought – and he said our sex life was fine the way it was. Yes Dick it’s fine for you but fucking non-existent for me. Fabulous! He did say he’s surprised I haven’t fucked him off for someone else. I resisted the urge to say no Dick, I just fucked someone else instead!!

At least we talked and I’m glad he said what he did and he’s not going to have sex for the sake of it! He said he was tired so he had a nap and I read my book until it was time to get ready.

We went down for tea and I managed to restrain myself at all the delicious food! I had half a bowl of soup and a seafood cocktail. I wasn’t having a dessert but that changed when Dick bought me back a profiterole covered in chocolate sauce. It would be rude to refuse. Joy was a little chilly and went up to her room to get a jacket, she was gone ages but she was with her friend so wasn’t unduly worried. After 30 minutes she returned all tearful with make up all over her face. The lift had broken down with them & 4 others in it. It had come to the bottom, not opened the doors then raced up to the 7th floor and got stuck half way. Really pissed off at the way the hotel handled it too. The alarm company couldn’t understand  them so they had to wait for the alarm people to ring the hotel for the hotel people to speak to them trapped. Nightmare and to add insult to injury when they finally opened the doors and released them, the staff told them there’s only 4 people allowed in the lift!! Joy was having a panic attack so as soon as the doors opened she bolted outside. By the time she got to us she was shaking & crying. Her friend Katie (she needs a name) is the nervous one but she was fine. She said Joy was ok until an elderly lady started crying. I gave Joy a hug while she calmed down. Tried not to make a spectacle but people could see she was upset. The manager came over to see what had happened. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t aware of the incident with the lift! He made it much worse by not apologising and just repeating that the lift only fits 4! I told him it was outrageous that the screen in the lift shows 6 people. Joy to her credit said she just wanted to forget about it and told him to go away.

We told Joy & Katie they could have a cocktail as a treat so they chose a tequila sunrise. Nice choice girls! It took the edge off. Frank & Jane (realised she needs a name too!) joined us as we had a good night. There was a Rod Stewart tribute act on and he sounded the part but looked like a very fat Danny Baker!! I promised the girls I’d get a video of him singing so I crept down nearer to the front to video him. He saw me and shouted selfie selfie and made me take his photo!! Mid set too, what a star! I sang with him too. I really have lost my mind and Dick was pissing himself. He did ask me if I’d been drinking though which I guess is fair enough.

Had another fairly early night as I’m still knackered!


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