10th October

Think I fell asleep relatively easy as soon as I went to bed. I woke at 4.30am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Got up and made a drink and read for a bit hoping I’d doze off but that didn’t happen. Hoped I’d feel a bit better mentally and physically after a sleep but still very much tired & feel down. It’s probably the anticlimax from all last week’s excitement. Realised this morning that that will be all for now from Harvey and realised it made me feel sad. Must get a grip! At least now I have a little toy to amuse myself with if I feel lonely and get the urge!

Got everyone up and out and walked into a shit storm at work I could’ve done without. The boss decided in his infinite wisdom to send me a shitagram suggesting I’d ‘dropped the ball’ on some safety information. Not at all pleasant and not what you want to walk into on a Monday morning, especially as his information was incorrect. I replied all to point out that no one had dropped the ball and if he actually read his emails he’d know that due to the system being locked out for operational reasons all updates would be uploaded and amended retrospectively. The joys and then if my mood wasn’t bad enough, my colleague Nigel had received an update from Harvey regarding his wife so he came round to tell me the latest. I agreed with him that must be terrible for all concerned and that it was good to see him Thursday even if it was only briefly. I did feel a bit pissed off though because it wouldn’t have killed him to give me the same update, cut and paste is a piece of piss on the iphone! In one way I should be grateful that I’m not on his mind and he doesn’t think to update me. Seems that I have indeed outlived my usefulness.

Freya was in and seemed ok, was worried it would be a bit frosty after our fall out yesterday but she seemed like her normal self. We chatted and had a good catch up and all is good in the world.

Harvey called out of the blue. No email to warn me but that was ok, I walked away and found somewhere quiet to talk. Chatted about things in general and I made the point that as his friend I shouldn’t have to hear how his wife is doing second hand. He made some bullshit up about him wanting me to be genuinely surprised when Nigel gave me the update. Like I’m some stupid retard that isn’t Oscar worthy at hiding it!!! I don’t know why but he pushes my buttons, I told him we’d probably not see each other for a while now and he agreed but he did say that doesn’t mean we can’t talk so we will see. I still think it’ll peter off, it has already so it’ll just wane I think. He said we’re lucky we can’t do what we did last week every week and I agreed, I said we’d not even be able to do it monthly and he agreed. If that isn’t a thanks but no thanks I don’t know what is. I emailed Harvey to thank him for the call.

H: Thanks for the chat it was good to talk and catch up xxxxx

I walked across the road at lunch as I needed some peace so headphones on, music on loud. Put my tunes on random and it picked the most depressing songs on there one after another. I came back to the office and went backwards on my playlist:

One – U2 & Mary J Blige

I can’t make you love me – Bonnie Raitt

I don’t believe you – P!nk

Nobody knows – Tony Rich project

Into you – Ariana Grande

Never say never – The Fray

It’s a good job I’m not playing the music will guide me game. Occasionally I get stuck on something that’s bothering me so I decide that the next song I hear will have the answers. I usually pick a random music channel and the next song is usually the answer to whatever’s bothering me. Try it for yourself sometime, it works. Luckily I’m just tired and emotional and not suffering from anything I need the answer to. I don’t even feel guilty about cheating on Dick, I think I’ve lost the ability to feel anything but anger at the moment. I still plan to distance myself from everyone slowly, a steady retreat so it’s not immediately evident that’s what I’m doing. I just need some space to get my mind back on track and my behaviour to calm the fuck down. As mid life crisis go, it could be worse!

Got home and took my pissed off mood out on the house. Needed doing as I knew I was off to the gym this evening and I knew I’d have no time later.

As I was cooking tea I got a reply from Harvey.

H: It certainly was, hope to catch up with you tomorrow. Xxxxx

A: No promises, it’ll be what it’ll be!
Xxxxx
Hope you have a peaceful night and you’re not too knackered. I’m off to the gym I’ll wear myself out hopefully xxxx

Made tea, cleaned up and got ready for the gym.

No class tonight so smashed the treadmill, cross trainer, rowing machine & weight machines. Cooled down in the stretch room before leaving and got chatting to one of the school mums from when Joy was little. Was good to catch up and I’ve agreed to meet up with her for a coffee soon.

Got home had a bath and as I came downstairs Dick went to bed. At 9.15!!! Awesome, I really might as well live alone for all the attention I get. None whatsoever and none to look forward to either. I chatted to the girls online but kept my own counsel as they have no idea what’s going on. I’m meeting them all on Saturday (well not all as 4 of them can’t make it!) so I need to put my Oscar winning face on and play the “my life is so fucking amazing” game. I think if they knew what the hell was going on they’d be horrified. Thankfully I don’t feel the need to share it with anyone.

Chatted with Freya and I’m pleased that things feel back to normal! At least something positive came out of today. We’re having lunch tomorrow so something to look forward to also.

I decided to use the headspace on my iPhone as I still feel out of sorts. Quite fitting given that’s it world mental health day. Although I’m a trained mental health first aider I always forget to practise the skills I use on others on myself. Day 1 of the app helped enormously. 10 minutes a day is all it takes. Feeling a little more calm & peaceful I listened to some music, but not random. I selected Amy Winehouse on shuffle. Love her voice and I’ve decided my new favourite song of hers is so me;

Amy Winehouse – you know I’m no good

I’ll leave you with that. Goodnight!

 

 

 

 

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