25th September

Literally zero sleep. Thought I’d have a good night as I was so chilled out and exhausted before bed. A million things decided to pop into my head as soon as I hit the pillow. I think all this talk of going away at Christmas is making me nervous. I need to find the strength to tell Dick that chances are we won’t survive. I do tell him that we’re not ok but he doesn’t take it in. As far as he’s concerned we’re fine, which we are today, right now, but it won’t last. And by me telling him that will blow it wide open again. I’m tired of walking on eggshells and waiting for the explosion to happen. Maybe when I tell him what I’ve done with my late moms estate it’ll happen then. I’ve signed it all over to my brother. I neither want nor need it, for many reasons I don’t want to explore on here. We weren’t close, I loved her but we didn’t get on, she wouldn’t have wanted me to have it  I’m sure. She left no will deliberately as she couldn’t have actually put that into words. The right thing to do for me was to give it away. My brother didn’t want to take it, told me it should go to my kids but I didn’t want that either. My brother & I have different dads, and my dads sister passed away when I was 9 and she left me everything much to the disgust of everyone else in the family. It’s held in trust (as I almost killed myself with it when I was given full access to it!) and my children will get that eventually so it’s only right that Euan gets my moms money. She gave me nothing while she was here, it’s not right that I get it now she’s gone! Dick can kick off all he likes but I’ve made my peace with it. The kids have no clue what she was worth and are not the type to expect anything from her passing. What they never have, they will never miss! It’s not like they go without now, they want for nothing and I’d hate for either of my children to go through what I did as a teenager by giving them funds to go wild with.

Another thing I’m struggling with massively is the Harvey situation. Every time I think about his wife lying there I feel enormously guilty. Can you imagine if she found out what has happened whilst she’s been in there? It’s unbelievably cruel and I don’t think I can live with it. I need to find a way to tell Harvey without hurting him, he has enough on and although I know this is just a fun distraction for him right now it’s not what he needs.

Dick got up at 6am to go walking with his brother. I stayed in bed and dozed until 8 o’clock, idle mare that I am. I got Frank up at 9 as he was working today. Did a few household chores to keep busy. Dick did the majority of them yesterday while I was out at the gym & shopping with Joy. We bumped into our friends whilst out yesterday so we went for a coffee & catch up. Joy’s friend Molly & her mum Vanessa, I haven’t seen her mum for a while so we both caught up about our holidays. We both celebrated our silver wedding this year and I think it’s safe to say we’re both pretty similar in the fact our husbands are fucking useless & hard work. They went to Venice and took their girls with them whereas we went to America without ours. We both agreed we’d had a great time but it’s not real life is it? Holidays are a break from the day to day tediousness of it all. She’s joined our gym and she plans to come on Saturday next week so it’ll be good to see her.

I received an email from Harvey in response to mine last night.

H: Thank you, night night just back from hospital, just getting a few hours kip before i go back xxxxx

A: Christ babe please ensure you get some rest. Hope you’ve not been there all night. Has there been any development that has meant you’ve had to be there? I thought she was induced so she wouldn’t know if you were there or not? Sorry I’m just confused.
Rest xxxxxxxxxxx

A little confused about why he’s spent the night there, I went off with Joy’s team to support the match today. They won! A good game and the girls are overjoyed as it’s the first game they’ve won this season.

Dick came to meet us afterwards to take us to his brothers to organise next years holiday. It wasn’t the right time to air my views but I did tell him we weren’t booking anything until after our holiday in October!! Went to his brothers to plan and it seems that everyone will do their own thing and book seperately which is a massive relief to me.

I received an email from Harvey which pretty much devastated me.

H: Yes an all nighter! And back their now, they turned her sedation of on Friday night so she has been awake since Saturday morning, which is good news, the down side is she is awake and extremely uncomfortable and a little disorientated with a huge smattering of pain thrown in for good measure. She can’t speak and is so frustrated, this is going to be a tough old fight.
Thanks for been on the side lines to support xxxxxxx

So upset, first reason massive guilt on my part. Before all this I could justify it as we weren’t hurting anyone but not now. Also a bit pissed off that when I asked him yesterday he said there was no change. Now I know he’s tired but I’d say taking her off sedation is a major thing. I know I can’t do this to another human being. If she found out that the whole time she was sedated he was meeting me, making out in the car & sexting me she’d be rightly upset. It was the reality check I needed really. I couldn’t very well say that though as I’ll have to let him down gently, I’m not sure how he is at all, maybe he wants me to end it as he doesn’t know how to? I sent a simple reply back.

A: That sounds horrendous I hope she improves quickly xxxx

I’ve been into his email and unsubscribed him from this blog. I don’t think he’s reading it anyway but just to be sure I thought it was best. I’d hate for him to read this and be blindsided by what’s coming. I struggled to formulate the words in a way so that he understands that this is best for him as well as me. I cherish his friendship and I think he appreciates mine too. I’ll be his friend through this difficult time if he stills wants that. I was probably too vague though.

A: Hello,
I know you’ve got your hands full right now and I don’t want to add to that. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve unsubscribed you from my blog. I’m still here as your friend on this email if you need me but I don’t want to share my thoughts with you right now you have enough going on.
Look after yourself & your family right now, that needs to be your focus.
You are in my thoughts all the time and you know where I am if you need me as your friend xxxxxxx

I should feel better but I don’t, I’ve cried like a five year old as I feel so bloody horrible. Horrible that I feel like I’ve let him down by backing off but I can’t help it I have to be honest. I hate that I let myself behave this way. What kind of desperate idiot I must’ve been to sink so low. I broke so many of my rules. Sleeping with a colleague, especially one that’s in a position above me. I just hope it doesn’t ruin a wonderful friendship. I wish I didn’t care about him, but I do. I pray to god she never finds out. This way hopefully she never will.

He replied.

H: No problem xxxxx will do xxxxx

A: Thank you for understanding xxxx
I hope you get some rest

I don’t think I’ll hear from him now, he’ll either think I have my own stuff going on or he’s worked out that I just can’t do this. I hope he’s ok, I hope he’s relieved, it’s one last thing for him to worry about. More than anything I hope I sleep!

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