I decided that I’d start this week positive. I’m on it with the diet & exercise still. I’m determined that I will not let the sadness of my marriage infect the rest of my life. Onwards & upwards as they say!
The weather has become more autumnal and it’s time to break out the jumpers & tights. I bought a really pretty short patterned skirt last week so I thought I’d wear that today with some black tights, heels and a v necked jumper. Minimal make up and paint a bright smile on my face. I can’t believe how many compliments I received, 3 people told me I’d lost weight (which isn’t true by the way, it’s the optical illusion of clothing & heels!). It’s nice to know though that I don’t look like the total car crash I feel like on the inside.
My best friend called me while I was at work, she knows me so well. Without a word being spoken she knew that I wasn’t myself. I told her the news that Dick and I wasn’t getting on again. She laughed and said what’s new?? He’ll pull it out of the bag again like he does normally. I told her I wasn’t convinced this time, his outburst at Joy yesterday was the final straw for me. We had a good chat and she agrees he’s out of order and he needs to sort things out before it’s too late. It’ll be what it will be. Que sera, sera! It gave me food for thought though so I called my solicitor for an appointment to see how I stand if I go for a divorce, always worth getting advice! I can’t use the reason from last time as he’s no longer drinking which was a massive issue last time. I think unreasonable behaviour would be my best bet.
I’m met my friend Karen for lunch had a good catch up. She commented that I looked tired and I filled her in on my fall off the wagon & the Dick situation. Bless her she was really upset and said she was sorry she’s not been around. I told her it wouldn’t have made a difference. I have amazing friends but they all know that I’m my own worse enemy once I push that self destruct button. I didn’t feel the need to tell her about my fling with Harvey. Two reasons, one reason being I’m actually not very proud of myself for this and if I admit it’s happening it makes it an actual thing rather than a bit of fun which is what it’s supposed to be. The second reason is by the time I see her again next month it will probably have died a death. It’s already on the fizzle I feel so no point having her disappointed in me.
Why do I think it’s on the fizzle? A few reasons really. I think since I had to cancel last Wednesday it’s lost it’s momentum. Admittedly, we’ve both had stuff going on. I know I’m going to sound like a massive contradiction now as I’ve said, no promises, no demands and that hasn’t changed, but there isn’t as much communication as there was, he replies when he is able and safe to do so, but it does seem to have slowed. I did get a few emails today. This was in response to the photo I sent him yesterday from the shower.
H: Yes yes yes…..
Yesterdays wank was based on breast play xxxx
You were on your knees naked with the exception of heels and stockings me stood behind you playing with your breasts, squeezing and massaging whilst tweaking your nipples……. Xxxxxxx
A: We definitely have a psychic sexual connection!
Good morning xxxxxx
I returned from lunch and saw he’d emailed.
H: Afternoon Hun,
How’s you? lunch wasn’t the same today….
A: I’m ok thanks. Hope everything went ok with your dad coming home.
H: He’s ok, still got a headache and he can’t drive for a month, spent Friday (midnight) to 10am with the father in law at a&e as he couldn’t breath due to medication mix up
Wife is now in A&E with suspected GBS….
I’m leaving here once I’ve sat down and finished my meeting.
A: Christ it never ends does it? I’ve no idea what GBS is but I hope she’s ok. Catch you Wednesday if you’re in.
I came out of my meeting this afternoon and he’d left already.
Hectic day, bus journey home was fun balancing my bag & laptop case etc. I’m working from home tomorrow as I’ve got a dental appointment to remove a broken tooth. Not looking forward to that at all!! Got home & made tea. Once that was cleared away Joy & I went to the gym.
I messaged Harvey as I want him to know I’m thinking about him. He has it tougher than he lets on I think. Apparently she has a history of pulling medical dramas whenever he’s going away. It’s quite sad really, what a way to live.
A: Hope everything is ok with your wife and it’s not as serious as the boss made it out to be. Really hoping it’s just an attention seeking outburst to possibly prevent you going to *****.
Hope that doesn’t come across as bitchy as it sounds, really hoping it’s not something serious. Here to listen if you need an ear. Gym this evening for me. Not in tomorrow as I’m at the dentist so working from home. See you Wednesday if you’re around xxxx
H: It is exactly that, I could write the script….. I may be wrong but I don’t think so, she did have GBS 28 years ago so she knows what to say and how to act ..it will turn out to be a mystery virus that clears up in time for her to go away with the girls on the 13th October
I recall she ended up in hospital with a suspected heart attack when I was due to go sailing. Hope all goes well tomorrow, enjoy the Valium xxxxxxx
A: It must be exhausting having to live like that. One way of looking at it is thats she’s desperate not to lose you.
Hope it’s not something serious and you’re not there all night.
Sorry we didn’t even get chance for a chat today xxxxx
H: It is exhausting and I’m getting tired of the whole coercive control game she plays, this one could be the deal breaker…..
A: Well it could be 2 for 2 I made an appointment with my solicitor today for divorce negotiations so shall we see if we can buy one get one free? 😂😂
Isn’t married life Marvellous? I doubt you’ll do it though, you actually love her and will no doubt forgive her as always. I genuinely hope you can sort it but without pointing out the fucking obvious we all have our breaking points and you may actually have found yours xxxx
Gym tonight was especially hard! I think I took my anger out on the punchbag that I wanted to inflict on Dick. Can’t believe we’re right back where we were 5 years ago. Got totally carried away to the point that I burst into tears. Pathetic, felt it coming so disappeared off to the toilets before anyone saw me. It’s not healthy to be this upset over something I have absolutely no control over. Came home, had a bath and a bit of a pamper. Hopefully that will help keep me calm so I can sleep. Hope the tranquilliser that doctor gave me works it magic.
Dick had started his exercise programme T25 while we were out and is apparently ‘back on it’ good for him. He asked me about my day and I told him small talk wasn’t necessary, I have nothing to say to him. I got yet another apology, he’s made an appointment to see the doctor (this is a massive surprise!) he’s going Wednesday. He’s remembered I’m at the dentist tomorrow and will go with me. Told him it’s not necessary but he insists. He knows he’s been out of order blah blah blah. I stopped listening and went and dried my hair. He said he knows I’m done and he doesn’t blame me, he wants my help. I can’t help him until he helps himself. I so want to tell him to go fuck himself. Joy told me at the gym that her dad called her after school and asked if she would be in when he got home, she told him it depended on why he was asking 😂😂 she’s so clever, she makes me smile. He told her he needed to apologise properly as he’s worried that he’d really upset her. That’s a massive admission for him so I’m grateful he’s at least tried to put things back to normal with Joy. Clever girl that she is she’s told him she needs a benefit they’re real eyeliner, a Barry m contour palette & new jeans from top shop 🙈 I don’t know whether to be proud or horrified if I’m honest. Part of me wishes she’d told him to fuck off. Guess who’s off shopping Saturday 😂
I don’t know what to do about Dick other than wait it out, Harvey has enough on without me so we will see how that goes. I plan to enjoy the ride while it lasts. The distraction is great and a girl has needs, let’s hope he still wants that distraction too. At least tomorrow I’m working from home so I’ll be comfortable and don’t have to see anyone. Time for bed!