15th September 

I woke up aching all over! That gym session has absolutely killed me. I got up, washed & dressed. It’s Freya’s (my work best friend) birthday today and the girls were taking her to the pub for lunch. I planned to make a real effort including make up as I look so shit, but I didn’t even get time to do my face. Went to wrap her presents and there’s no cellotape in the whole fucking house!! Ended up having to cart it all to work and hide in a conference room while I wrapped it all. I remembered Harvey was in today so was grateful I’d worn no make up!

Luckily Freya loved her gifts so I’m happy that I made the right choices. I saw an email from Harvey in response to mine from last night about the gym.

H: Lol, can I pump your body xxxxxx so wanted to hug you this morning, how’s everything going? You look like your holding it together on the outside at least xxxxx

A: I’m never doing that again. I’m so unfit!
I’m ok thanks, hope you’re ok.
Xxxxx

I’d seen him when I came in and he didn’t look well at all! I’d messaged him on our instant message system but he’d not seen it.

H: Wow, I like the dress…. Looking good hun xxxxx

A: Thank you kind sir. It’s probably only the 10th time you’ve seen it 😂
You ok? You didn’t look at all well earlier. XXXX

H: I was in ACU with my old man till midnight, it looks like he is going to be ok, he banged his head on Saturday (pissed) and was moaning he still had a hangover yesterday…. Turns out it’s a bleed on the brain. It looks like it’s taking care of itself and no loss of function
Silly old sod

A: Oh god that’s awful. Hope he makes a good recovery.

Morning went fairly quickly & soon it was lunchtime. Had a good catch up with the girls and blew my diet though! Well worth it though to see Freya smile, she’s having her own dramas at the moment so hopefully it was a brief distraction for her.

Not long after I left he replied.

H: I’m sure he will, thanks for asking Xxxx Are you home alone?

A: No. Madam is here getting ready for football training. No doubt once she’s left you’ll already be at home.

H: Just landed, xxxxxx missed having a chat today, catch you tomorrow xxxxxx

A: See/ speak to you tomorrow if you’re around xxxx

H: Xxxxxx

A: Have a good night whatever you get up to. Can’t remember if you’re in tomorrow or not. I’m going to chill out tonight. The last few days have been completely shit. Going to unplug my head, throw some tunes on and do my nails. Rock n roll! 🤘🏻 xxxxx

I’d prepared tonight’s tea last night. Slow cooker had been on all day so I prepared the vegetables and pottered about. It was nice to have the house to myself. Peaceful.

Dick came home and asked if we had time for a chat before dinner. Told him that in 20 minutes the potatoes would be ready and what exactly did he want to chat about? He said us, this situation. I told him we could talk all night but it wouldn’t change anything. I’m done, I’m not prepared to continue living like this anymore. He apologised, again. Told him not to bother, the only reason he was bothering is because he knows I’m done. I told him that the final straw was leaving me to go on my own yesterday to see the consultant and then not even asking me how I got on! It was a very calm conversation, without raising my voice or swearing. He told me he loves me and that he doesn’t know what is wrong with him. He’s agitated all the time and he can’t relax. I told him to ring the doctors and make an appointment. He then tells me he’s booked us a spa day on the 4th November. It’s just after our lost daughters birthday and the week after Joy’s, he wants to focus on moving forward. Ironically he now suggests counselling!! After telling me 2 weeks ago he doesn’t know why I waste my money. He’s desperate I think. Too little too late. Had tea & spent the night in relative silence.

I got a message & my photo from my friend Alice (the one that left recently) she’s finished her dissertation! She sent me a copy of the acknowledgment page & she’s thanked me for all my help & support. She sent this message:

 

image

So incredibly touched by that. Dick asked me what was the matter as he noticed I was upset so I started to tell him. I’m not joking I wasn’t even half way through reading the message he turned round and switched the TV back on!!! So rude I told him he wonders why we’re in the state we are if I can’t even hold his attention with a simple conversation. He just said I was a nightmare when I’m in this mood and hard work. Has the audacity to make out that I’m the problem. Instead of just apologising and saying he’s tired, or he’s just not interested he turns it round on me. Fuck you! Got my stuff for my nails and went upstairs out of the way.

I really need to get some rest, I’m sick of being tired & upset all the time. Going to listen to some music & try to sleep. Tomorrow will no doubt be just more of the same unless I chill.

 

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3 thoughts on “15th September 

      1. Well like most things, sweetness is relative too…I am not saying you are sweet for the sake of it…but I know (or at least I like to think I know) how a sweet person thinks, versus a person who tries to be on top of everything because they have this pre-conceived notion that they know better and will fiercely defend all their actions in the name of living life the ‘right’ way.

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