14th September

I didn’t have the greatest night sleep again, still very unsettled. Thinking about a million things as usual but mainly Jack & his family. My heart breaks for them.

Heard from Harvey via email.

H: Morning babe hope you slept well, good luck today thinking about you let me know how you go on kiss kiss kiss

A: Thanks babe. Safe journey to ******* xx

Got to work and the girls could see I was upset so I told them about Jack & that I was taking Frank in to ICU see him.

I thought I’d better let Harvey know what’s going on.

A: I’m not great today, I’m really struggling. Not sure if you’ve read the blog but after my appointment today I’m taking  Frank to see his friend in intensive care unit. Devastated doesn’t even start to cover how upset I am. Thought I’d better message you as I can’t talk about this without crying.
Have a good day xxxxxx

About an hour later I received some good news, Frank called me to say that Jack had woken up from his coma all by himself. He’s still serious and not out of the woods yet but the fact he woke up is really positive!

H: Stay strong babe, thinking about you and yours, wish I could give you a hug right now xxxxxx

A: Thank you. That would’ve been amazing. You can owe me one!
Frank can’t go now as Jack has woken up out of his coma thank god but he’s suffering from organ failure so he’s still in a bad way. Makes you appreciate what you have that’s for sure.
Hope the meeting is going ok xxxx

I left work early to attend my appointment for a kidney scan & then a meeting with the consultant. Dick was supposed to meet me but he called to say ‘something came up’ so I went on my own. No big deal, I’m used to dealing with things on my own. It pisses me off though that he says he’s going to help and support then does neither.

H: That’s better news, but it still sounds bad, lets hope he is strong and the damage is minimal, thinking of you xxxxx

Scan was ok and I then went to see the consultant. He had the images on his screen and compared the two. My last scan wasn’t that long ago so it was an accurate reflection of what damage I’d done. It wasn’t as bad as he thought. He could tell that it had only been a minor fall off the wagon as I’d told him. He reminded me that I’ve got a very serious illness and that if this had been a big fall, I could be looking at dialysis sooner than expected. I told him that I was back on it, eating healthily and joined the gym. He wants to see me in 8 weeks so we will see if things improve. I popped into the ICU to see Denise, Jack’s mum. She looks absolutely shattered which is no surprise given everything going on. I messaged Harvey to update him on my appointment.

A: Thank you. Appointment went ok, slight issue with kidney function but not as bad as expected.
See you tomorrow if you’re in.
So pissed off we’re not where we planned to be right now xxxxx

H: Xxxxx me too, but it is better that you got checked out by the Dr xxxxx

A: Plus I’m still a horror show below the waist 😂😂 xx
I need a massive hug, I’m not usually such a needy cow but I’ll be glad to see the back of this period xxx

Went home and took Joy shopping for school skirts & new shoes. Got a call from my sister in law to say she was at mine and what time would I be home. Told her I was out and where I was, she decided to come meet us there and gave us a lift home. She stood and chatted in the kitchen whilst I prepared tea. Dick came home with a face like a smacked arse, parked himself in the lounge, switched on his xbox and basically ignored everyone. Charming! My SIL left and I walked her to the car, she had obviously noticed that things were strained. She asked me to meet her for coffee and catch up on Saturday and I said I’d let her know.

I left Frank cooking his tea and went to the gym with Joy. We were booked into dance fit but the trainer wasn’t there and it had been changed to body pump. Oh My God never again. It’s possible that I might’ve died but I just haven’t realized yet. So hard, but I’m glad I didn’t bail and I finished the class. I did some weights and spent 30 minutes on the cross trainer and called it a night. I emailed Harvey while I was there.

A: Taking my aggression out on body pump.
I might die xx

Got home and the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off. I didn’t even change out of my gym clothes, I just got stuck into sorting it. He was sat on his xbox in the same position I’d left him in 2 hours earlier. Seriously unhappy I had a shower and decided to just sit upstairs, I couldn’t even be bothered to type up this blog report.

I cannot put into words just how spectacularly shit things are at the moment, I’m so tired I can’t even string a coherent sentence together. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this treatment from Dick, he hasn’t even asked how I got on at the hospital. It’s possible he’s forgot, hopefully it’s just because he’s stressed with work, but I guess the truth is he just doesn’t care. Some things never change sadly.

I think my drugs have levelled off now and I’ve had to admit that my behaviour has been out of control. The drinking, the risk taking, the absolutely outrageous (but fucking marvellous!) antics in the office. It’s just not me, well it’s not the real me. It’s the new me, Ava. I’ve hidden my grief at losing my mom & complete devastation at the death of my marriage by discovering a new personality and this bitch is dangerous. She’s going to shorten my lifespan considerably if I don’t clip her wings a little. It would be so easy to open a bottle and stop caring but luckily I have my head screwed on so she’s not in control. I don’t know what will happen in the future but that’s ok. Right now I’m concentrating on getting fit, being well and taking care of myself & my kids. Everything else is unimportant. I can live with that.

 

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