13th September

Spent most of last night on the sofa reading & listening to music to distract myself. Really struggling at the moment with various things, not just the drinking issue or how I feel about myself generally. My mom is on my mind a great deal of the time. So many things that now will never be resolved. It makes me sad to think she died without knowing that I appreciate everything she did for me. I finally gave in at 4am and went to bed in an effort to get 3 hours sleep. Didn’t happen but worth a try. I must’ve disturbed Dick as I got into bed. Fuck knows how, we have a super king size bed, its enormous. He said something about me being unreasonable & inconsiderate so I turned my back and ignored him. I’m getting much better at that to be fair. He has no grasp of just how much this has unraveled me, there’s no consideration for what I’m dealing with or even thought to ask. Sleep eluded me so I dragged myself out of bed after a totally shitty night. Literally zero sleep & really uncomfortable. The joys of being on my period 😏 a very busy brain and a husband who couldn’t give an actual fuck! Literally & figuratively.

Got up washed & dressed and made my way into the office.

Work kept me busy so I just plowed on through. I received an email from Harvey.

H: How’s you? I slept well (for a hotel in a single bed) the holiday driving has caught up with me, up and going for breakfast in a mo.

A: I’m good thanks. Glad you got some sleep. Enjoy breakfast! XXXX

I carried on with my day. I’m so busy all the time now so at least the days go quickly. My email was logged on the iPad and I noticed he’d emailed.

H: Death by PowerPoint at the moment, I need to find an exit from this group for me and *****
Have you found any gossip on the up coming re org?

A: No gossip, I know nothing sorry.

H: I’m picking bits up but need to piece it all together
Look forward to hearing your voice this aft xxx

A: Why will you be back in the office?

H: Driving if that’s ok

A: Providing I’m free then that’s fine.

H: Cool, leaving here at 14.30 ish

A: Ok

Sat typing this up now and I seem very offhand in retrospect but I don’t think I was, I think I was just busy. I was on the phone when he called me so I declined the call. Once I’d finished what I was doing I found CR was free so went in there to call him back. We chatted generally about our day and out of nowhere he tells me he’s read this blog and said you’ve mentioned discrepancies? I was a little stunned if I’m honest, I didn’t think he read it. I only know he read it previously when the shit hit the fan a few weeks ago. (Hi, by the way if you’re still reading Harvey!) I told him the things I was trying to wrap my head around and to be fair he elaborated on various points honestly. I told him I didn’t need a detailed explanation but he said no, we’re open & honest so let’s discuss it which is what we did. I have a great deal of respect for him for that actually. How easy would it have been to pretend he hadn’t seen it let alone attempt to sort it or discuss it? I felt better for having a conversation.

I sent him an email.

A: Thanks for the chat. I didn’t actually think you read my blog. I’m grateful though that you do and you asked about what was concerning me.
Have a good night & enjoy the gym xxxx

H: xxxx

A: Just sat here typing up today’s blog so far with a coffee. Think I’m actually exhausted! Sorry if my replies today seemed offhand. Typing it up now it seems so harsh but I was just busy. Safe journey back home xxxxxx

H: No need to apologise xxxxxxx i’m nearly home could take all my strength to get mention 50-50 whether I make it

A: Thank you xxxx
To get mention?? To get to the gym maybe?? 😂😂 get some rest babe xxx

No gym for me this evening, I’m too tired. I’ve said 3 times a week so Monday, Wednesday & Friday for me this week depending on what the consultant says tomorrow. My night kind of unraveled due to a few things.

I had a bath and because I’d put Spotify on I had no clue what songs were coming. On comes U2 sometimes you can’t make it on your own. I love that song, well I used to until tonight. Resonated quite deeply as there’s many aspects of that song that I can relate to with my mom. It was only when I got to the lyric ‘you’re the reason why the opera is in me’ wow. Sobbed like a 3 year old. For a good 40 minutes. Got it out of my system, had a shower and put a clean dress on to go downstairs. (I don’t wear pj’s!). My dad called, I’d changed my Facebook profile photo to one of me & my mom from when I was a baby and he called to check how I was doing. He’s very sweet, he’d guessed correctly that I was struggling. We chatted and he told me that he’d seen my brother Steve* yesterday and he’d told him he’d split up with his wife. So very sad, turns out she’s seeing someone else. Dads a little upset she could do that as he gives her a great life and he’s a good husband. Well call me cynical but if she was happy she wouldn’t have done it and yes he’s my brother and I love him with all my heart but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. You don’t suddenly get up one day and decide fuck it, I’m bored I’ll have an affair! It certainly wasn’t like that for me! (Luckily I didn’t blurt out that sentence!!). We agreed to differ and left it at that. I came downstairs for a drink. It did not end well. I ended up having a second shower of the night as someone thought it’d be a fucking great idea to open a tin of beans then decide, actually I don’t want them now, I’ll cover them in cling film and put them in fridge. Oh no, there’s no room in the fridge so let’s wedge them in the tiniest space possible so that when I open the fridge it covers me head to toe in Heinz finest!! I pissed myself laughing in the shower after all you couldn’t make this shit up. Thank you Dick for cleaning up the mess while your very pissed off wife had another shower! Turns out it was Frank but I couldn’t very well bollock him as he looked shocking when he came in.

Frank came home upset, I asked him what was wrong and he said he’d had some bad news about Jack* his friend. This kid has had the unluckiest life of any child. He’s a warm, witty, very entertaining kid (kid, he’s 18!) and he’s had health problems his whole life. Culminating in a brain tumour earlier this year. He had major surgery and had part of his skull missing but has made a terrific recovery, he’s the owner of the worlds biggest scar across his head! Not phased him at all. His mum contacted Sean to ask him if he wanted to see him as he’s in hospital and not expected to make a recovery. He’s been having fits since his surgery and he had one Friday. He fell out of bed and banged his head, knocked himself unconscious. We don’t know what happened next but he’s been in a coma and his organs are now failing. Poor kid. He’s poor family and my son is devastated. I’m at that hospital tomorrow for my scan so I’ve said I’ll go with him as I don’t want him facing that on his own. Also it might be good to see his mum, God knows she must be beside herself. So I’m upset because I had to have 2 showers and Denise could lose her son. Perspective found I think. I’m off to bed, I will pray for Jack and hope tomorrow brings better news.



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