8th September

Relatively ok night sleep, think all the exercise at the gym wore my brain out! All those dance fit moves I was trying to remember must’ve put my brain in overload and it finally switched off!

Up & ready for work, I was spending the day in a workshop for an element of work I’m involved in. It was being held at a local hotel so at least it meant a day out of the office. I got there to find out I was the token female! Just me & 65 men.

Emailed Harvey.

A: Here all day with limited signal – token female again.
Wish you were here……!

H: Not long now xxxx

Found myself a seat in the middle with some of my team and got settled. Along came my colleague Tom* (he was number 3 in the list of men I’d slept with. He was there when my marriage broke down last time). He was a really good friend and I was literally stunned when we got together. It’s a long story, but short version is;

5 years ago, he sat opposite me at work, we got on really well, we’d often go walk to the shops together on our lunch, perfectly innocently. He’d tell me about his family & the problems they had and I’d offload about Dick and it was a mutual friendship that was nice and friendly. He had to go overseas for work and he contacted me to help him with something project related. I helped and told him to enjoy the great opportunity and he replied with a massive message to say he was miserable and he missed me. I genuinely thought he’d sent it to me in error so I replied to say that was a lovely sentiment but I think you meant to send that to your wife! He replied to say no, it was meant for me & I must know how he feels about me! We had a massive conversation when he returned and I made it clear I wasn’t interested, I’m not that kind of girl. Then I got shit faced at a James Bond work event and he looked after me. Like a true gentleman he made me coffee and talked to me until I was coherent. Then kissed me ☺️ And it was all kinds of amazing. I’d served Dick with divorce papers by now so I was  a free woman but Tom wasn’t but he assured me it was a marriage in name only and because I’m a grade A fucking idiot I believed him. For an intelligent woman I occasionally lose common sense. Anyway we had a blissful 5 months until he took his wife away for their wedding anniversary. I did not see that coming!! I called it a day, felt so bad about what I’d done. We stayed friends though somehow. Then he had a massive breakdown due to the pressure of work and other factors in his life he had going on. He assured me it wasn’t anything to do with what happened with us but I didn’t believe him. We’ve had several fall outs but none as big as November last year. He embarrassed me in front of the whole team by talking to me like I was a piece of shit. He was acting out because he’s asked me out to dinner because he was alone as his wife was away!! Fucking cheek of him, needless to say I turned down his offer and he didn’t like it at all. We’ve not been great since that massive row, he has the ability to push all of my buttons! He frustrates me to the point of violence, I’ve never wanted to hit a person more. He has more issues than cosmopolitan but he was a good friend and at one point I cared about him greatly. The sex was ok – it was better than nothing and he genuinely cared about me.

Anyway, back to today. He sat opposite me at the meeting and texted me:

T: you ok, you look in pain?

To his credit he’s very observant, I was limping around like an old lady thanks to my back pain and I kept revolving my shoulder to ease the stiffness. I replied:

A: I’ll live.

T: Do you need painkillers?

A: I do but I’ve forgotten to bring them. Do you have some on you?

T: yes in the car, what do you need?

A: Either ibuprofen or paracetamol please. Not urgent as I can’t have them until I eat thank you.

He fetched them at lunch and joined me to eat. It was nice to sit & chat and find out what he was up to. We’ve been quite strained since it all kicked off so it was nice to spend the time catching up rather than me glaring at him 😂

We got round to talking about families and he apologised for not reaching out to me properly when I lost my mom, he wanted to but knew I didn’t want him near me. He did try once at the coffee machine and I cut him off. He then messaged me to say I looked “broken”. What a twat! He asked how I was coping and I told him about falling off the wagon. He was kind & didn’t say anything horrible. He told me he was always there and I could speak to him whenever. I was honest and told him that I couldn’t do that and that he knew why. He agreed that it’s for the best. He told me that he missed me, the old me, the one that was always laughing. He said he’d noticed a change in me lately and hoped I was getting back to my old self. I told him about the medication and he said he hoped it worked.

We returned to the meeting and he messaged me a photo of himself he’d just taken on his phone.

T: smile

A: I’d do the same but I’ve got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

T: Yes but what a sexy chin.

A: You need to get out more mate 😂😂

T: Listen if the only complaint that you have is that there is more of you to love then you should be grateful.

A: don’t make me laugh!

T: Why not… I’m good at it. Also you look so amazing when you laugh.

A: Thank you but stop it! I’m not ever going to be anything other than a friend so let’s not spoil it.

T: Sorry. Was only trying to be complimentary.

Will use my inner monologue from now on.

However saying that your face lights up when you laugh and your eyes sparkle. It is amazing to watch.

Sorry….. Normal service resumed and I will now resort to flippant, sarcastic comments relating to how bored I am.

A: Don’t apologise it’s nice to be reminded that we once had fun. I’m sure the girl you knew will come back one day, just not right now and not for you.

T: That girls always there. She’ll come back to the surface when she’s ready. Don’t force it.

A rose will open its petals slowly after being cared for and nurtured over time and the resulting beauty is incredible.

I am absolutely positive that in time when you get where you want to be that rose, that is in your soul will bloom for all to see.

A: fucking hell, have you been watching Oprah 😂😂

T: she’s back!

A: thank you!

I think we’ll be able to have conversation again. He was a big piece of the jigsaw that helped put me back together 5 years ago but I know I can never go there again. And I think he does too. He’s moving to another part of the business so that’s good too. It feels good to be in a better place than we were.

I sent a cheeky shot of my boobs down my dress from the toilets in the hotel to Harvey.

A: Cheeky toilet boob shot is the best I can do 😂

H: Xxxxxxx
Sat in the sun feeling horny thinking of you
In your stockings, bent over my knee with my hand caressing your arse cheeks, fingers tracing a line down your spine, hair pulled tight arching your back as I gently smack each cheek soft but firm, watching them change colour as the blood flows and they turn pink, finger and thumb squeezing and teasing your clit 2 fingers dipping inside fingering your gspot and squeezing your clit in rhythm until you shudder…. I pull your hair hard as my thumb pushes past your tight arse as I ensure its wet enough to take my cock you protest a little but relax as I slowly fuck your arse with my thumb, my cock pressing against your clit, 2 hard small make you Yelp as I roll you over and bury my face into you sucking an orgasm out of your clit pulling your nipples hard and fingering you fast and hard, 2 fingers become 3…… The fourth finger makes you bite your lip…. Faster and faster 4 fingers stretch and excite you you reach down and hold my wrist I move my thumb towards my little finger and push 4 becomes 5 you shudder again as you realise what’s just happened…….
Standing up I hold your hair as I
Fuck your mouth you swallow like the greedy whore you are xxxxxx
Missing you xxxxx home soon xxxxxx

A: Biting my lip with excitement until that last bit! Babe trust me when I say there’s no way your entire hand is going to fit in there 😂
However feel free to try………….!
I can’t respond right now but I wish you were here and we had a room booked. We could be fucking right now!!
Miss you too xxxx

The meeting finished and I went home. I took a better photo my boobs naked and sent it to him.

A: Attention needed right here! I need you after the day I’ve had. What I wouldn’t give to be kneeling above your head right now with you on your back below me. One hand tweaking my nipple with the fingers of your other hand stroking my tight arse as I grind my clit across your lips & tongue. Occasionally you bite making my scream with pleasure!

He replied a short time later to both emails:

H: Please please please xxxxxxx last communication until sunday, packed and ready for an epic 2 day trip across Europe, showered (hard now thanks to you pic) and going out for a meal.

Looking forward to to Monday more than I can explain, I miss, desire and want you in huge amounts xxxxxxx thanks for keeping me sane xxxxxx see you soon xxxxx
Sweet dreams babe xxxxx

A: Safe and I hope you have an uneventful journey home!
See you Monday, I’ve missed you so much. Strange but true!! Xxxxx
Take care babe xxxxxx

H: That’s the spirit, Never Say Never, occasionally say Lobster xxxxx challenge accepted xxxxxx

A: #neversaynever

I will miss him but I’ll see him Monday its all good.

Dick came home in a great mood, when I asked what he wanted for tea he just snapped nothing. Grabbed a beer from the fridge & sat on his iPad. Brilliant just what I need so because I’m an idiot I decided to sit on his lap astride him and give him a hug! Thought after the chat at the weekend it would make him smile. No, didn’t work he just said he wasn’t in the mood and he was too wound up from work. I said you’re too wound up from work to give me a hug? He said yes, and here you go again!

I wanted a hug, it’s not like I jumped on him naked and demand he fuck me! I honestly give in. I can’t even get a hug. For whatever reason he’s not feeling it and because he won’t talk to me I’ll never know. I really thought after the chat on Sunday things would improve but it doesn’t look like it will.

I climbed off him and busied myself in the kitchen, he said he didn’t want any tea so I went upstairs and sorted some things out up there. He’s on his Xbox and I can hear someone at the back door. I go downstairs to discover he’s ordered himself a pizza!! What a completely selfish cunt! He asked me if I wanted any I said no. I’m on it, healthy eating for me remember? So he replied fuck it life’s too short for that. I went in the bath and left him to it. I can’t help him if he doesn’t want my help, and he obviously has no intention of helping me. I don’t know how we’ll get past all this unhappiness. In one way I’m glad he behaves this way, it’s authentic and he’s not making out everything’s ok but in another it kills me. It makes me feel worthless, unloved & unwanted. Which I guess I am. After a miserable night I went to bed, he came up a little later and went straight to sleep.

I’ve woke him up this morning to discover he’s not at work today, he’s booked the day off. Well thanks for that, you could’ve told me last night when I asked what time you needed to be up and you replied the usual. Apparently he forgot. He’s now pissed off he’s wide awake and he could’ve had a lie in. He got up, went in the bathroom, washed, brushed his teeth. I asked him if he was finishing at lunchtime as he’s on earlys and he asked what day it was so I said Friday, then he got back into bed. He forgot he’s off! How can you forget you’re off, especially if work is so stressful you don’t want a hug?? I give in. I’d better get up and get ready for work.



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