Serious conversations

So today I’m paying the price for my drinking last night. I feel fine, no back pain or headache but it’ll kick in tomorrow I’m sure. I did get a few hours sleep off & on. I was awake as Frank came in from his night out with his friends at 4.30 just as the alarm was going off for Dick to get up to go walking with his sister.

I did some blogging and went in to clear my emails. I’d had an email from Harvey to say morning and hoped I’d had some sleep. I’m grateful he made that enquiry without giving me a lecture. We’ve both said what we had to say on that subject I think. Next up I received some photos on whatsapp from Freya from last night. Then she said messaged:

F: Can’t believe u had alcohol xx

A: I was waiting for the bollocking 😔 xx

F: I didn’t want to make a fuss on the night xx but was shocked Hun, will u suffer now for that xxx

A: I’ll be fine, sometimes I just need a reminder. I’m ringing my therapist on Monday as I know I’m not coping as well as I should. I’m sorry babe don’t worry about me xxx

F: Aww Hun sorry to hear that, here if u need to chat xx as long as it won’t do anything xx I didn’t want to go mad at u in front of everyone xx

A: I really appreciate that babe thank you. I nearly shit myself in the pub when you walked in! But then when I had that shot you were like Ava what the fuck? I was fine then I’d had my reminder. I’m really worried that I’ve gone too far but I’m sure it’s all bereavement related. I know you all care about me and I’m really lucky. I think I’m having a mid life crisis 😂 xxxxx

F: I didn’t even notice the drink in becketts bank I just assumed it was alcohol free for some reason xx I hope your ok Hun things are bound to take there toll and catch up with u, that’s when u use your friends 👍 xx

A: I am I promise. Dick’s on his way back from walking so we’re off to breakfast. I’m guessing I’m in for a bollocking from him too. I needed a kick up the arse and I promise I’m back on it now. Eating healthily – after this breakfast obvs – I need to be fit & well – thank you for caring xxxxxx

F: Does he know u were drinking? I’m just hope your ok Hun xx

A: I think so we will see. I’m fine I promise xx

Dick picked me up and we went to breakfast. All very calm & pleasant. Once breakfast was done though he asked me if I thought drinking was a good idea. He knew when he picked me up but didn’t want to start a row last night. He asked me out to breakfast so we could have a rational discussion about it. He’s very worried about me, he guessed I was drinking last weekend too but left it alone as he knew how very upset I was about the cemetery & my brothers wedding. He asked me if it was him, if his moods & being miserable was the reason, I told him that it didn’t help but no the problem is definitely me. I told him that all I actually needed was some time to get my thoughts processed and that I’ll be fine. I did tell him though that he could help by not being so distant and it wouldn’t kill him to give me a hug occasionally. He replied that he tries to do that but I always expect sex and I’m too demanding!!!! I genuinely laughed out loud, and responded hashtag firstworldproblems – I did point out that some men would actually like to have a wife that enjoys sex and doesn’t just lie there like a sack of spuds! He said he just doesn’t feel like it at all, he does love me but struggles with showing it physically. He doesn’t feel great about himself with the weight he’s put on and I deserve so much more. He’s hoping that if he loses weight and starts to feel fitter it’ll come back. He said he’d enjoyed it a few weeks back when I relaxed him beforehand, it didn’t feel like such a chore. Well thanks a fucking bunch, it’s so nice to hear that sex with the wife is a chore. Well maybe if he did anything around the house he’d know what a fucking chore was. It was pretty upsetting to hear but if anything it makes what I’m doing with Harvey easier. At least he ONLY wants me for my body!! The best of both worlds. I told him I’m ringing my therapist on Monday as I know I’m not coping well and his response was, I don’t know why you waste your money. So supportive – not!

I should be grateful he at least cares enough to ask the question and make sure I’m ok, and at least he’s honest and doesn’t make promises he won’t keep. Hard to hear though. I’ve prepared Sunday dinner & watched the F1 so it’s distracted me a little. I plan to eat tea, have a bath and an early night!

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