At 3am this morning when I was downing painkillers with a pint of water, I was sat on the sofa wondering what the fuck I’m doing. It suddenly hit me, I’m having a mid-life crisis. I tick all the classic boxes, I’m surprised I didn’t realise sooner. The outragous behaviour, the affair (yes we can try and pretend that that isn’t what this is, but it is!) the drinking, the short skirts, I’m even booked in for a very slutty tattoo.
I thought it was my medication or a reaction to losing my mom maybe but no, it’s just Mother Nature fucking with my hormones and making me a ticking time bomb. Some things need to stop. The drinking for damn sure, I know better, my consultant is going to go ape shit but I plan to style it out, deny everything. I’m going to have to accept my age and change my behaviour.
I saw this and laughed, it’s so me. I should be ashamed but I’m not. I wear my mistakes like a shield, an armour to protect me from the world and everyone in it. I’m ringing my therapist on Monday as I know my behaviour is spiralling out of control. I need to relearn the coping techniques I have to try and stop myself sinking lower. I’ve so much going on that I’ve lost my sense of self. And the only thing that makes me smile other than my kids at the moment is Harvey. (Well before last weekend before it went all tits up!) I hear from him, whether it be a call or email, and I instantly smile. I love what we have, a great friendship, trust, honest and open chat about we want from this, sexually he gets me. I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone to tell them what I like, what I want and it’s so liberating. I just need to check though that we keep our head on straight. I know I care about him greatly and he does for me. His email last night regarding my drinking proves that. I miss him, not just the interaction but the physical. I don’t do mushy, I’m not romantic in the slightest but I need a hug and he’s the only one I want one from. I’m lying in bed writing this post and I’d like nothing more than to turn over and he be here. It would be nice to be next to someone that wants me, desires me. It will never be him though and that’s fine. I’m totally aware that our time will be short lived so I’ve to make the best of it. We have a couple of occasions coming up whereby I get to spend quality time getting fucked. Just thinking about that made my nipples hard. He has such an effect on me. I’m off to take care of that. I’ll be sure to email him when I’ve finished.