27th August – 1st September -the weekend the wheels fell off!

So dear reader, we’re at the point it all went a bit tits up.

If you’ve not read my post Timeout needed – click the underscored link. This is what happened. Here is the next several days as one post with as much context as I can remember.

27th August

I had emailed:

A: 😘 hope you’re having an amazing time xxx

H: Yes I certainly am xxxx thank you
Attached video, dark and no pic is a reason I have stepped over to the dark side and become the dirtbag I never wanted to be xxxx

In the email was a recording of them having an argument. I don’t plan to share the content here, it’s a private conversation between them and frankly I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing that. Brief recap is it was a drunken argument and she got violent, smashing his ipad and accusing him of being drunk & shagging someone at work. It was horrific, and very upsetting to hear. I actually cried, that’s how deeply it affected me. Unsure about what to do I initially replied:

A: I don’t actually know what to reply.
I’m really, really sad & feel incredibly fucking guilty right now.
Hope you get through this ok.
Sorry xxx

20 minutes later still reeling I sent another email.

A: I don’t know what to say or think, none of that made any sense. To an outsider you’re the problem listening to that. You say you’re not and I believe you. Is she paranoid? No, because she’s bang on the money about you fucking someone from work isn’t she? Is this situation normal for you? I also think you may need an new iPad……….!

I’m really upset but I don’t know why exactly.
Xxxxxxxxx

I realized that he probably had had enough to deal with already without me losing my shit too and I was genuinely worried about him. As hard as it was for me to listen to that second hand, he’d had to deal with it directly. I wanted to know he was ok. so I sent an email:

A: Let me know you’re ok please xxx

H: I’m ok, situation normal … It’s been the same old record about me and someone from work for 20 years …. Have to go now xxxxxx I am ok xxxxxxx

A: I’m here if you need me, appreciate you can’t talk so thank you for letting me you’re ok xxxxx

Still incredibly upset I sent the following email a few hours later:

A: I wish you hadn’t sent me that video. I can’t think about anything else now. I’m not sure what you wanted to achieve by it. You both sound absolutely hammered by the way not just her. Listening to it again she seems fairly insistent that your drinking is the reason for the fallout. Did you really *Completely redacted this element*? Why would she lie about that? It sounds like you had a great night previously what changed? More importantly why am I asking all these questions and why do I care so much about the answers??? I can’t articulate just how upset I am, so much for friends with benefits, no promises, no demands. I’m a little bit devastated if I’m honest. I just can’t see how you thought sending me that video was a good idea. I’ve deleted it now so I’m not tempted to play it again. It’s heart breaking to hear someone so upset & full of rage and know that you’re part of the reason why she’s so hurt, whether she knows about me or not, it’s still horrible to hear and know I’m involved.
It’s stopped being fun.
I’m more upset than I’ve any rights to be under the circumstances. I hope you’re ok, I hope you manage to sort things out properly and enjoy the rest of your holiday.
Xxxxx

I went to bed but knew I wouldn’t have a great night. I was supposed to be up early for my trip to see my family as I had already had a crappy Saturday I knew Sunday & Monday would only get worse.

28th August

H: I’m fine, I’ll answer all those questions when I have time,
I wasn’t hammered I was a sleep and she decided to attack me..
Xxxxxx

I couldn’t deal with it and there was no absolutely no understanding on his part that he really shouldn’t have sent me that. It was evident that I was very upset and there was no apology or anything. I think it was at this point I realized he obviously had no clue what he’d sent me. I wondered if on reflection he’d listen to it and realize what he sent. It pissed me off that he could send something so volatile with no thought of how it would affect me. I decided that I’d be better off not hearing from him until I got my head around it all. I decided to reply:

A: I don’t need the questions answering.
It’s none of my business.
Enjoy your trip. See you when you’re back xxxx

I probably should’ve told him at this point that I was really pissed off, my response was too gentle, a simple leave me to get my head straight would’ve been better but all I said was I’ll see you when you’re back, expecting him to pick up on the vibe when we know full well that men are not mind readers. He was watching the F1 and sent me an email entitled spoiler alert:

H: Xxxxx Lewis is s in 3rd chasing down Ricardo …… Xxxxxx

A: I’m watching it at my brothers xxx

After receiving that email I did something really stupid. At my brothers for a party for my niece and I decided to have a drink. I have CKD  (chronic kidney disease) which means I can’t process or tolerate any alcohol, I also have a liver disease so it’s not the best decision I could’ve made. I can’t blame any one but myself. It had been a truly horrible few days. I eluded in a previous post that I lost my mom earlier this year and I’d been to the cemetery for the first time since the funeral, it’s also the same cemetery that our daughter is buried in and it always knocks me for six. I thought I deserved a glass of wine after that. It was to easy to fill my glass and no one suspected a thing as I had taken several bottles of shloer with me, it looks identical! When they all started shots we did some with cherryade for the kids so I just swapped mine for raspberry sours – 3 times! Because I had already pressed the self destruct button I emailed him a picture of my glass.

A: Fuck it what’s the worst that could happen?

29th August

H: Nice nails xxxxx did you really fall of the wagon? Hope you are ok, I’m not allowed to say I’m missing you so I won’t xxxxx

Morning xxx just setting off to Italy, 12 hrs in the car xxxxxx

A: Yes I did. Only a small fall but a fall none the less. It’s been a cunt of a weekend for many reasons, not only your video. I went to the cemetery yesterday too so I’m not in a great place but I’ll be fine xxx

Have a safe journey I hope the atmosphere has improved as that’s a long time to travel in silence!
I don’t miss you either, much ☺️
Xxxxx

H: Arrived safe, epic 12hr drive, 1 95 Euro fine, apparently you can’t overtake on German dual carriage ways if you are towing a caravan..
Things are back to normal, but she is sober…
Sorry the video upset you that wasn’t the intent, I’m not actually  sure what the intent was but I wish I hadn’t troubled you.
Catch you tomorrow off to bed now xxxxxxx sweet dreams xxxxxxxx

A: Glad you arrived safely and things are normal again. I’m home now too so bath & bed for me. Enjoy the rest of your holiday. Please don’t message me while you’re away. I’d hate to give her any reason to go off on one.
I’ll see you when you return xxxx

H: Afternoon, If I stand on the seat in the shower Block I get 1 bar of 4 G, so it’s safe.
How’s you?
Xxx

Again being too subtle with the don’t message me. His response pissed me off again. How is standing on the seat in the shower safe for fucks sake??? God forbid he should fall and crack his head open and leave his phone logged in to his emails? Or she walk in and catch him red handed. I ranted in a email, still really angry.

A: What part of don’t message me are you not understanding? It’s not worth the risk to you or me. Having a better understanding of your toxic situation makes me want to distance myself completely. I’m not sure this is recoverable if I’m honest. It’s far too stressful for something that’s supposed to be fun. It stopped being fun for me on Saturday when I heard how very upset & hurt she was and just how broken your relationship is.
I’ve asked you not to message me so I can try and get my head round it all. I’m not doing great at all and I don’t need the added drama, I’ve enough of that in my own life thank you.
Have a great trip & a terrific holiday. I’ll see you when you’re back xxxx

H: Understood xxxxx

A simple response which is all I needed, I could then try and piece together my thoughts about it all. I replied back.

A: Thank you. It’s not game over. I just need to get my head straight xxx

He kept his word and I heard no more. I decided that I needed to empty my head the next day.

31st August

I posted The show must go on! I decided that I needed to keep posting the story. I thought it would distract me. I’d read other blogs and I was struck by how much of an outlet other women in my situation found it. I was astounded to get an email informing me that someone called Harvey had read my post. I logged onto here to discover that he’d commented that he’d amended the drafts folder in his email and had I been in and read it? I replied that I hadn’t but I’d log on later when it was safe to do so. Before we had our own new emails we would communicate on the one account, never sending anything just updating the draft. That way it left no trail, this was something he’d heard and then I read it in a Harlan Coben book!!

In the drafts he’d posted:

H: Brain dump for my head.
I am deeply sorry I burdened you with that video, I’m still not sure why I sent it, I think I was slightly fearful that next time she attacks me it might be more serious, that will teach me not to hide her wine!
It’s not the first time, remember the lamp over the head whilst I slept, I burdened you with that one as well, I guess you have always been a soulmate that I can share anything, you have all my secrets.
I can deal with my marriage and love her enough to put up with the odd drunken rage, I have done for the last 20 years and will continue to.
What we have makes me smile, it excites me beyond belief and I hope to hell that I haven’t broken it and that it continues until you say stop.
Please don’t say stop.
Xxxxxxx

A: I appreciate the no contact – contact.
Thanks for the apology. I miss you far more than I’ve any rights to. I’m glad things have settled down and I hope you enjoy your holiday. I’m sorry I forgot to delete the link to that post, I hope it wasn’t too upsetting to read. I’m sure I’ll feel better when I see you.
xxxxx

H: From my end nothing has changed xxxx when the fun stops it stops, you call the shots xxxxx please don’t send me a dear john email xxxxx I’ve been expecting one xxxxx

I decided that the draft folder was too much like hard work to keep going in and out of so I emailed him directly:

A: I’m glad you reached out the way you did. It made me smile to see you’d commented as Harvey, that’s the first time I’ve smiled in days. I only noticed that though after I shit myself when I realised I’d forgot to go in and delete the link!! It must be strange to read the inner workings of my jumbled mind. I still don’t know what to think and I’m really hoping I feel better when I see you. I won’t send you a dear john, that would be complete cowardice on my part and although I’m a lot of things, coward isn’t one of them. I want to get past this and get back to where we were before Saturday. Right now I need a hug and a conversation, I’m looking forward to both when I see you. Whatever happens after that – well only we will know then. Know that I care about you very much, if I didn’t this would be a piece of piss to walk away from and I’m still here. Please have a great time with your family and enjoy your holiday. I fully appreciate the fact you reached out and how you did it. It’s going to be entertaining trying to find a gif or meme to go with that post!!
Xxxxxxxx

Yesterday I decide to blog the rest of the emails so I thought I’d better let him know what I was doing.

1st September

A: I’m in & out of your email to cut & paste into blog posts. I’m deleting as I go if that’s ok xxx
Hope you’re ok xxxxx

H: Absolutely fine, especially now I know I’m not getting a dear john just yet xxxxx
I might have time to call you tomorrow for a quick chat, would that be ok?
Xxxxx

I replied that it would be fine. We will,see what tomorrow brings.

 

 

 

 

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