Sat here alone listening to music when along pops Dusty singing I just don’t know what to do with myself – how very apt yet completely tragic! Not because it depicts the situation between myself & Harvey, because it doesn’t, the only thing that’s relevant is the song title. I genuinely have no clue what to do. The rational part of my brain is telling me to get so far away from this disaster waiting to happen but the other less logical part is saying fuck it, what’s the worse that could happen? He messaged me earlier to ask if he can call me tomorrow and I’ve said yes. Up to about an hour ago I was stressing about that decision until I realised that chances are its work related! Whatever happens we will still be colleagues and I will still be his friend. I just have no clue as to which way it’s going to go and I hate the not knowing. I’m not a ditherer at all, usually I make careful decisions & stick to them but for some unknown reason I’m twisted on this one. I miss him but I don’t know why, I think I miss the attention & the interaction, let’s face it who doesn’t like to feel wanted & needed and to know for a fact you have the ability to make another person happy? But at what cost? My personal peace of mind & hurting another human being that doesn’t deserve it? Whether she knows about me or not is irrelevant as in the recording she was adamant he was shagging someone at work and she was right, he is. We will see how it goes I guess.
It doesn’t help that other things are up in the air too, things with Dick aren’t great (however, he did buy me a fabulous vacuum cleaner today, who says romance is dead?) he’s very unhappy at work & at home he’s miserable. Various things happened on Saturday not just #videogate – I fell again and have the most spectacular bruising, I didn’t go to my brothers wedding (this could be a whole blog to itself to be honest so let’s not go there!) & Dick actually pulled it out the bag. He was helpful & very kind, bearing in mind I was in a great deal of pain and not in a great place. We went to visit my family on Sunday & Monday and again he was a rock. Especially as we visited my mom at the cemetery for the first time since her funeral. Our daughter is buried in the same cemetery but across the way in the children’s section. Tonight is not the night for that story though. I’m reminded that I’ve already been through enough in my lifetime. I count my blessings everyday. I’m very fortunate.
Now if I could just unplug my head that would be terrific.