Emptying my head didn’t work

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How true this is!

I want to unplug my brain so I don’t have to think anymore. So much going on with no outlet for release does not a happy Ava make.

I’ve had a response to my request to cease communication with a simple “understood xxxx”. I appreciate that, he wanted me to know he’d respect my request. I do feel guilty that I’ve cut off his contact with me but if I hadn’t I feel it would’ve been just swept under the carpet like it never happened and I can’t do that. I wish I could, God knows I’d have an easier life. I need an actual conversation- which is going to be nearly 2 weeks away. A lot could happen in that time, he could maybe salvage his marriage and decide that this was a massive mistake and not worth the risk or stress. He could decide that he’s had enough of the situation to do something about it, but I doubt it.

I could decide that it’s not worth the stress or the drama. God knows this was never supposed to be either. Fun, excitement & adventure was the plan. I keep returning to the recording in my head. I so wish I’d never heard it, it’s changed everything and I really need to get past that if we’re to continue & that won’t happen until we speak. Viscous circle for my head. I hope he’s ok, I hope they’re OK and the holiday has returned to some kind of enjoyable truce. And more than anything I wished I didn’t care or give a fuck either way.

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